Son on drugs

[SadSoSadd]

I’ll try to keep it short.
My son, 24 has a pretty serious cocaine habit. Over the last few years he’s managed to go through about 20 grand. He gives up for a few weeks, saves a bit, we get our hopes up, he goes back on coke. We’ve now said we can’t do
it any more; if he relapses again we’ll need him to move out. He says if we ask him to
leave we’ll never see him again; he’ll either kill himself or he’ll disown us.

He has MH issues, has depression and is autistic. He’s working. We take no keep from him.

One minute he says he wants to stop, then he says he doesn’t. He’s shockingly unremorseful.

What the fuck do we do? We can’t chuck him out. He couldn’t afford to even rent a room. And if anything happened to
him or he did something to himself I’d never forgive myself and nor would DH. He’s got us over a barrel and he knows it. He does go to a drug counselling group but it doesn’t seem to make any difference.

We just can’t see an end 😢

Oh op this sounds tough
how about a residential rehab? Would that be a possibility?
a colleague had this and had to chuck her daughter out because of her younger siblings and she declared herself homeless and the council housed her - she’s better now but somwtimes you have to think about yourself too.

Thanks for replying x We couldn’t possibly afford rehab. I’m not sure he’d go anyway. Would the council house him? He’s working and we have room for him after all.

Whatever you decide to do you need support, Families Anonymous or an organisation similar where you can speak to other parents who have been affected by addiction. At the moment he has no need or desire to address his addiction and difficult decisions may need to be made, support and hearing other people’s experiences is invaluable. I hope you can find some.

You have to “make him homeless” and evict him then he becomes a priority

it’s tough but it may just be the wake up call he needs

Thank you.

He’s like a different person. He’s almost proud of how good he is at lying - he managed to hide his spending for a long time by falsifying his bank statements (god knows how). He talks about his “tricks” like sneaking out the back gate when we’re out to go to his dealer so we don’t see him on the front ring doorbell.

I asked him how he’d have got money once it had all run out and he just airily said “Meh… I’d have got some somehow, you know how cunning I can be, I’d have got by”.

It’s quite chilling actually.

That’s really tough and I’m sorry to hear.

I’ve learned from past experiences (not myself) that even if an addict has no money they will persist and find a way to get the drug, if only they could be that persistent with quitting!!

It’s really hard because you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. I totally get why you wouldn’t want to kick him out especially because then you’d have 0 idea where he is etc BUT sometimes a bit of tough love is for the better… yes he might be mad at you for a while and maybe go off the rails but hopefully he’ll soon realise what his life could become if he doesn’t fix up.

It really is impossible to give tips because it’s easier said than done when it isn’t your own family but I do hope everything works out for you in the end.

Thank you so much.

Very very tough. My parents were in the same position over 20 years ago, it’s the addiction that makes them so snide and untrustworthy, you have no choice but to chuck him out and he will either sort himself out or he won’t. Sorry to say but it won’t be long until he starts bringing shit (irate dealers) to your own front door. You have to think about yourselves and ask him to leave and change the locks. You haven’t done anything wrong

Oh god. Thats what scares me.

It sucks when some people
choose this path despite having a nice upbringing etc etc and we’ll never know why some do and some don’t but I’m sure you’ve been great parents. Think seriously about what to do next, protect yourself ❤️

I'm so sorry, that is a tough situation 😔 but I think by keeping a roof over his head and him not paying his way, you are enabling him somewhat. It's extremely difficult to enforce tough love when you understandably worry what will become of him. But nothing will change otherwise. I think he needs to move out and have to stand on his own two feet - you are doing it because you love him and he's an adult and has to take responsibility for himself.

https://addictionfamilysupport.org.uk/ may be able to offer you advice and support

Oh OP, I’m sorry. But yes you need to be aware that at some point he will turn that ‘cunning’ on you. He will steal from you. He will bring trouble to your door.

Would he refer himself to your local drug treatment centre?

I don’t know. I told him the other day that he needed to do that. I also told him that part of the conditions of him staying here was to have random drug tests which he reluctantly agreed to. They should arrive in the next couple of days.

I can relate to your post, as it was my son using drugs when he lived at home.
Fortunately, I discovered www.famanon.org.uk. I started to attend meetings, listening to other families sharing their experiences and reading their literature. I had to stop enabling my son, use Tough Love and enforce boundaries. We evicted him from our home, as he couldn't respect our boundaries. The council housed him, he actually thanked us for using Tough Love, as it helped him in his recovery.
For today, he is drug free and works.
There is no incentive for an addict to recover if they are fed, have money and a home. They often have to hit rock bottom.

@SadSoSadd what would happen, do you think, if you asked him to contribute towards rent/bills/food etc? I’d imagine you have probably had that conversation at some point?