At my wits end

[Lj8893]

This is going to be a long one and probably going to sound silly and petty but I’m really at my wits end now.

DD(13) has had a dramatic behavioural change in the last couple of years, completely to be expected with starting secondary school, hormones etc.

She has this habit of going on and on about something one of us says. For example yesterday she asked her dad to get her some cutlery, he was busy so I said politely no, go and get it yourself please. And then she just went on and on about how we ask her to get us stuff all the times and why was I making her out to be lazy or rude, she wasent being any of those things and it was rude of me to make out she was etc etc etc. eventually DH just got her the cutlery!

This happens at least once a day.
If we ever tell her off, even just gentley, she responds with a “sooorreyyyyy” with a real attitude.

if something isn’t going her way, she will go on and on about it until we solve the issue for her - often the issue is unsolvable (or it’s not solvable the way she would like it to be).

She has nobody to go out with on Halloween, all her friends are busy or don’t want to go out. We have made suggestions of other things she could do instead (watch a film with us, game with her dad, go to the cinema, go to youth club etc) but she just wants to go out with her friends. And it becomes our fault, it’s like she wants us to magic up a friend that isn’t busy!

I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s so tiring and frustrating having conversations with her.

Oh and I forgot to add, her bedroom is disgusting. I’ve been in so many times and given it a really good clean and tidy and sort out, and within 24 hours it’s a tip again. I’ve told her I won’t be going into her room whilst it’s messy to get her washing, so she either needs to have a tidy room or give me her washing.
she frequently does neither of those things and then has a meltdown when she has no clean clothes. Am I being neglectful for this?

This is standard teenage behaviour.

whinge incessantly in the hope you will do stuff for her and/or you’ll not hassle her about doing her chores.

bedroom turning into a pit is also normal.

no you are not being neglectful.

I’d suggest stop listening to her whinge as much as possible (ignore ignore ignore) and no chores = no pocket money.

washing - in the basket or not done.

Agree with above post from @Octavia64

Listen, empathise but guide her to solve her own issues.

Some script lines to use:
That sounds tough, I understand why you feel x, y or z.
I imagine you’re feeling x, y or z - does that sound right?
I wonder how you could…or maybe try…
Yes, I can see how having no clean clothes is annoying. What would you like to do?

Standard teen stuff
It’s her job to whinge and have an attitude, it’s your job to nag/tell her off

I saw a study that although it feels like you’re getting nowhere it actually has a delayed effect so teens with ‘nagging’ parents ended up better adults

If she's going on and on, tell her to put a sock in it or leave the room! The fact that your DH ended up getting the cutlery for her just reinforces the behaviour - she got what she wanted by being rude to you 🤷‍♀️

Stop cleaning her room and make her do it - no wifi/phone/pocket money/tv until it's done - whatever works!

I had a rule with my teens, I only washed what was brought down and put in the wash basket. If they didn't do it, it didn't get washed and they had to sort it themselves. She needs to learn independence and consideration of others. It's your job to teach her - ignore a lot of the stroppy behaviour, it's just part & parcel of teenagers!

I know it's annoying, but this is all very standard (and in the grand scheme of things, minor) teen stuff.

With teens you often have to revive your toddler skills! Pick your battles. Tune them out. Empathise, but hold the boundary (you shouldn't have got the cutlery). Distract/change the subject. Understand that it's developmental and they can't really help it. Enjoy the good times. Remember that this is behaviour is transient.

With her bedroom, pick your battles. Cleanliness is a hill to die on. Tidiness isn't. Show her how to use the washing machine and release yourself from the burden of her laundry and any conversation about it.