Unusual angry behaviour in 9 yo grandson

[howtohelp12345]

Looking for some advice and thoughts please. My 9 yo grandson has in the past couple of weeks shown very unusual behaviours for him. Ie disruptive behaviour in class, not listening, kicking chairs at school, lashing out at school mates as he has been knocked out of games or criticised. The teacher has had to speak to his dad several times this week alone.

He is 50/50 between mum (my daughter) and dad however dad does more pickups and drop offs to extra curricular activities.
2 young siblings at dads who grandson seems to adore (4 and 2)
Mums partner and his children have recently moved in. Similar ages. Have had some hiccups but get on well for majority of time.

We are trying to establish why behaviour has changed negatively recently. Grandson has said he just gets angry. We would just like to help in him remaining calm but also to understand the underlying cause to these changes. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience. Thank you

How recently did mum’s partner move in?

how old are the other kids in the now blended family?

is he having to share a room or similar now?

Within the last month maybe. They are 7 and 10 I think? and grandson and 7 yo boy will be sharing when they stay at the weekends. Do you think maybe the room sharing may be the issue? I hadn’t thought of that. Grandson had said he was looking forward to it as it’s like sleepovers

Have the partner's kids stayed over yet?

If not, it really sounds like it's the partner that may be the issue. What have the hiccups been?

In which case it’s the new situation at home. He doesn’t like some aspect of it.

could be the room sharing (he now has no private space at all) could be something else but that’ll be it.

Even if he likes them, gets on with them, and is looking forward to the 'sleepovers' it's still ever such a lot to process, particularly having to share his parents' attention with step / half siblings. I imagine he's got no bandwidth left for coping with minor irritations at school.

I'd start with the pastoral team at school, explain there have been some huge changes in his life recently, and see if he can access some sort of support. My DC's school offer drama therapy for children going through divorce / blending of families / death of a pet or relative.

Well it’s either a reaction to the DP and his DC moving in, or a massive coincidence.

It's tricky, I don't think that blended families suit all kids and this is something that he has no control over. He probably needs a neutral party to talk to if he's worried about disappointing his parents.

It now seems so glaringly obvious that I’ve written it down and got outside opinions! Im not sure how to bring this up with my daughter, she’s very happy with her partner. But my grandsons happiness is my priority and how to help him

DGS probably doesn’t want to upset his mum by bursting her bubble.

Imagine a man and his children came to live with you - let’s say they’re friends of your husband. They’re using your shower, your toilet, deciding what you watch on tv, what you eat for dinner, using all your stuff. Maybe they’re noisy, or messy, or smelly. Imagine one of them sleeps in your room, and half your stuff is moved to accommodate their stuff. They might want to keep the light on all night, or they snore, or they wake you up too early in the morning. They probably touch your stuff without asking. They broke something accidentally but it was sentimental. You’d probably feel overwhelmed and you’d miss spending time with your husband on your own. Imagine your husband is loving having them there. You’d probably be on mumsnet asking for advice on how to deal with unruly house guests! Thats what happens to children when families are blended. His whole life and the one place he can completely be himself has been invaded.

Mums partner and his children have recently moved in.

This is a massive change. Can you talk to him about it? Very gently, but just something like 'It might be a bit different - you can always talk to me'.

Also yes talk to your DD.

I remember my own son, when my partner moved in. He was younger than your grandson, and it had been just the two of us for all of his 3 years. He really struggled with having to share me. When younger siblings came along, he found it even harder. And he just had the one home, and his own bedroom.
For your grandson, it will be much harder. Split two ways - 50/50 with mum, 50/50 with dad. He will be feeling as if he doesn’t really belong “anywhere”. Both of his parents have “other” children, that they seem to spend more time with, than they do with him (due to custody arrangements). Bounced from pillar to post, while his new “room mate” gets to live in “his” room ALL of the time … using HIS things, while he’s not there to protect them. You mention that he thought it would be like a sleepover. But the reality is, HE is the one having the “sleepover”, as opposed to being the “host”. Tbf I’m not surprised he’s acting out. And he’s probably scared silly about telling mum, but I think YOU need to step in. He needs to know that he’s not replaced in his absence. He needs to know that he’s her priority (and frankly it doesn’t actually sound as if he is). He needs his own space, and privacy in BOTH homes. This arrangement just isn’t working for him.
Preferably they need to move/ change sleeping arrangements,ents, so he has his own bedroom. Failing that, possibly convert the garage into a “man cave” for him, so he can have friends over and chill out, and leave his things secure in the knowledge they won’t be touched while he’s not there. If he’s struggling with releasing his anger and frustrated, best advice I can give is recommend either boxing or drum lessons, and let him have a boxing bag, or drum kit, in his space.

Is he an only child? If so, he used to have two parents to himself. Then he had them to himself one at a time. Now he has to share access to both parents and his room.

No wonder the poor kid feels upset and angry, even if he can’t verbalise it. He must feel as if nowhere is his own settled home and his own settled space.

But I don’t know what you can do to make it better for him, other than give him your time whenever you can, and maybe suggest that his parents each make sure they spend some time with him on his own.

Er re read your post? And i bet he hasnt had to give up his bedroom or space at all?? And that no one cares that hes angry as long as his mother has a man to rescue her, its good he has you

What if this man isnt nice? Why do women have to put themselves 1st,.why is he sharing a room with this boy, where is the other child sleeping, hes gone from havinv mummy to himself to a grown man moving in and sharing his home at weekends with 2 kids ,

Well said.

Just to say, bad idea that he’s got to share his bedroom when the other two children come. I’m guessing the other child is a girl, hence why the brother and sister aren’t just sharing? I had to go this around this age and the novelty wore off very quickly. I’m sure it was equally hard for my stepsister who came to my house and effectively had to slot in to someone else’s space. I wish parents would be more careful with these arrangements. Delay, come up with better solutions.
Give him as much love and care as you can. Lots of grace when he’s acting out. Space to share his thoughts and feelings.

OP I think you've just answered your own question. This is a HUGE change for your GS. Speak to your GS in a gentle way. If the penny hasn't dropped with DD, I'd be wondering why.

Absolutely wild that you would need to ask.

Blended families are a tragedy for children, even if they do 'get on well' with the new partner/partner's kids. No kid wants a home life like the one you've described. He's put up with it because he has no choice and no say. Poor boy.

Absolutely this. There is nothing in it for kids when families 'blend'. Its all about mums shiny new boyfriend. Poor boy🙁

I don't think you need to bring it up in terms of "This was a terrible mistake and you must undo it immediately" - but perhaps suggest she talks to school, because similar to a new baby in the family, big family changes like this can definitely unsettle children and cause a bit of friction, hopefully temporary. It would be helpful for everyone to be aware of this, so that they can all support him from all sides.

If he was previously looking forward to it then it sounds like they have been together for a while and he's had a relationship with the other child so I'm sure they have been careful and thought this through. I think it's completely normal that there would be some disruption to routines and behaviour, though. Ideally perhaps it would have been better for him to keep his own bedroom and space, as he's been used to having this before. But it's done now, and not everyone has the luxury of space for DC to have their own bedrooms.

MN often likes to catastrophise about these things. And yes we all know there are situations where a new partner moves in and it absolutely is bad news for mum's existing DC. But not every blended family has that situation. Maybe just start with information sharing and everyone being aware that it can be difficult for children (who as said, have no say really about their parents' decisions) when families change. Hopefully it won't turn out to be anything more sinister than just struggling with this big change.

You hear of kids who behave well at school because they are holding everything in and then explode at home because it's their safe place. I wonder if the opposite is happening here and that's why the behaviour is at school because that's the more constant place for him.

Its not a coincidence that the bad behaviour is happening while such a monumental shift is happening to your GC's family arrangements.

as 'normal' as blended families are nowadays, it's a lot to deal with for a young child, the new partner, the new half siblings and step siblings, the new living arrangements, the time spent between two very different homes and family dynamics... even if this is all going well (and by the sounds of it, there might be something(s) he's not happy with) it's a lot to deal with.

he's acting up at school because that's become his safe space. He's crying out for help really. Both parents need to help this little boy, they need to speak to him and show him actions which make him feel like a priority who isn't just expected to slot easily into the new lives the parents have created for themselves. It's not their fault but they are undoubtedly not managing this in the best way possible for him and that will hopefully mean that even some small changes will nip this in the bud before it's a serious problem.

you as grandma should raise your concerns tactfully with your daughter and offer to help in any way you think could help. She sounds lucky to have you.