Am I right to be upset?

[Kelbowl]

my teenage daughter is on half term this week and made arrangements with her Dad to go out for lunch today. We have been divorced for a few months but separated for 3 years and this is obviously no problem, she is old enough to make her own plans.
however when I got home the back door had been left wide open and the ring doorbell at the front door didn’t show my daughter leaving the house. She would have no reason to leave by the back door unless she was hiding something and my strong assumption is that she has invited her Dad into our new home. We sold the family home because my ex was controlling and although he was the one who chose to leave after having an affair, he would let himself in when he liked. I had suspicions he put cameras up as he always knew about things that I had never told him.
i made it really clear to my daughter that he was not welcome in our new house and she just argues that it’s her house too.
my lovely new home now feels tainted and dirty and I’m so angry that she has done this but I don’t know whether to broach it with her or not. Am I overreacting?

Yanbu. How disrespectful of her. Make it clear to her it’s her home but you are the one who owns this home. He is not welcome there. I would be very angry at her too

You won't know unless you ask her. On a safety point, you need to let her know she left the back door wide open. She might not tell you the truth so maybe you need to keep a hold of the back door key

I would say something obviously she doesn’t get it and likelihood is he asked to (probably as a control thing) but she needs to know it’s a hard no. Be clear if it happens again there will be a significant consequence. I’d also be concerned he’s snooped around. You deserve to feel safe/comfortable on your house.

Thank you for understanding. I’m really upset but don’t have the energy for a row.

It's not fair for her to be put in the position of having her parent banned from her home. I understand your reasons but her perspective is that of a daughter not an ex wife. Don't be too angry with her.

No you’re right. She doesn’t get it, she just gets cross and says we should get on and not put her in the middle. She’s absolutely right of course but that still doesn’t mean I want him in my home!

I agree with this.

I’m not saying he should be allowed in your home. But this must be a very difficult position for her to be in, especially if he’s controlling. It may be very hard for her to say no to him, so I wouldn’t be too angry with her.

I'd be inclined to blame this on him rather than her. You said he's controlling, and he's probably put her under pressure rather than her instigating it.
I'd be investing in a security camera for the back of the house and any other entrances, and let her know it's there, just to keep the house safe.
She's then got the perfect out 'mum says no and she'll see you on the camera' if it happens again.

There's absolutely no reason for him to enter your new home and I suspect he's applying pressure to your daughter, or appealing to her better nature. But she's in a difficult position and too young to understand why this is such an issue and at the end of the day he is her dad. Get cameras fitted and tell your daughter about them. And leaving the back door wide open is asking for trouble, so don't pussy foot about that!

No it is fair in these circumstances - the ex has spied, was controlling.
It's actually very normal for separated parents to respect the new home boundary.

Thank you. I do understand that she loves us both and I would never ever get in the way of her seeing him. However I don’t want him to be part of my life anymore and that includes being in my house. My daughter knows the reasons why and I think that’s why im so upset because she went against them anyway.

It’s really tough being the child of divorced parents who don’t get on. I’ve been there. I felt like I was being forced into difficult situations (such as telling one parent that the other parent didn’t want them doing something, for example) when none of it was my fault. They chose to marry and have a family, not me, but I felt like I bore a lot of the brunt of the aftermath.
Speak to her before getting angry at her without having the details. Maybe he put pressure on her and she found it hard to say no? Maybe she really wanted to show her dad her new bedroom?

I think it's fine to be upset.
He's in the wrong for asking.

Can you get some legal advice about whether there's any way to stop him entering your property?

Thank you. This is actually a fantastic idea. We like to keep an eye on the cats coming and going anyway so a ring doorbell out the back too would work brilliantly with a dual purpose.

I can understand that but it’s your daughters home too and she might have invited him in

Flip it around. You were a grown adult woman and allowed this man to control you for more than a decade. And yet you expect a child to do better than you did?

Don't be angry at her, he is 100% to blame.

I think you need to broach it as this could keep happening and there will continue to be things like this with your ex, especially if he is controlling. You could see how he could play on these sorts of things as she gets older and I think your priority must be maintaining your relationship with DD and ensuring she feels safe to talk to you. I can understand how invasive it must have felt for you, is there a friend or someone to vent to? How old is DD because I think 13 or 16 is quite different here?

If you think she is mature enough, I think it needs to be a "I'm not angry but we need to talk about this and find a way forward" conversation. Firstly you need to try and find out if he instigated this against her wishes and support with how you'll manage that in future (e.g more cameras , you being in or dropping her somewhere instead).

If she says she wanted him to come, there is an innate tension in the situation that it is your house AND it is her house and you both want different things. I can fully see why you wouldn't want him to visit the house. She also has things that matter to her and is a teenager in a complicated situation. I think you have an option to simply say "my house my rules " but consider that if that's your approach one day she might respond with "I don't want your rules so I'm off". A second option is appealing to her understanding and saying"I know seeing your dad here was important to you but it is very problematic for me, impacts my well-being etc and right now that takes the priority as xyz, how can I help make that have the least impact on you". That leaves the door open to an understanding that there could be things in future where what she wants can be a priority and it's about negotiation. A further option is to point out more practical risks, he could take things, sneak cameras in. I guess that depends on how realistic you think that is and if she thinks that argument is believable (she might just say, well I'll watch him, and then the argument is weaker and might not help your cause).

If she is younger, then maybe you just need to be clear on the boundary and how you will enforce that e.g by staying in when she goes to see him or putting cameras up. I would be careful about her feeling overly told off or ashamed about what has happened, again she is a teenager navigating something difficult. It needs to be quite matter if fact, x isn't allowed to visit, to make sure it doesn't happen I'll do Y. Would it help if I dropped you off next time ?

Good luck, it's a tricky scenario to navigate.

Where does she get the idea that it’s her house too? It isn’t, it’s yours. It’s her home but she doesn’t have equal rights to you. You are the one who pays for it, who maintains it, and you have final say over who enters it. No good will come of letting her think otherwise. You need to be very clear that she doesn’t dictate to you.
Ot seems very likely that her father is behind this, and I think the suggestion of installing cameras is a good one.
Leaving the door open ( when either of them could have remembered to close it )sounds like a ‘fuck you’ from him and a continuation of marking his territory.
I would be very clear to her that she is not to let him in, and let him know that by trying to gain access he is putting his DD in a difficult position which may well affect her mental health. If it happens again you might want to consider getting legal advice as to whether you can get some kind of exclusion order.