Play date screen access - worried

[AutumnDuck]

DC age 9 went on their first play date to friend from their new school.

The mum is pleasant, but a slightly hard character to figure out, but I generally felt confident about my Dc going there. They have a lovely home and a lovely nanny.

At pick up, I stayed for a chat. I learned that the kid has a huge TV in their bedroom, and an ipad, and also plays Nintendo on the family tv. Access to all screens seems pretty unrestricted.

We are a very very low-tech household (so far!) - my 5 & 9yo don’t have any screens apart from family Tv and the odd educational game on my phone. I’m very much a believer in let kids be kids, minimal screens, plenty of fresh air etc…

My Dc told me they spent nearly the whole play date on one screen or another, playing various games. They had a good homemade dinner, and were going to play a board game at the end, but ran out of time.

Then the mum confessed her DC had followed a social media trend recently that resulted in the kid injuring themself pretty badly. She thought she’d restricted access to social media but evidently not very well!

I am kind of dumb founded at the number of screens her kid has access to? And not surprised that with all of it, the mum can’t keep up with blocking social media on all devices….

I came away thinking I don’t want my DC to go there again. They were so shattered afterwards and out of sorts and disregulated.

Is this the norm in your homes for 9 yr olds? Am I unreasonable to not want my DC to go there again? I have a feeling my DC is going to be invited soon, but our parenting styles are miles apart

Did your child have fun? Part of kids going on play dates is exposing them to families that aren’t like theirs. All families do things differently, have different rules, do different things. Kids are pretty good at knowing that at X place they can do this but at home we do Y.

We are an outdoor active family but we also like playing the Switch together or individually sometimes. Sometimes when DD1 has a friend round they want to play Mario Kart together, other times they want to spend time on the trampoline, doing air clay, shrink plastic, hama beads. I let them do what they want to do (within reason!).

I think it’s a bit strange a 9yo would be disregulated, out of sorts and shattered from playing some computer games on a single play date.

I’m not wild about this, but I turn a blind eye at the occasional play date where this happens. I’d probably be less likely to if the children were younger, but by 9 I’m less concerned. At my place I discourage excessive screen time during play dates, even for my 12-year-old.

No you are not unreasonable. It is so sad.

I really think you need to be a bit less uptight about this.

I suspect your child was tired and “disregulated” because she’d had a long evening playing with a friend after a long day at school and was hyped up from having a nice time, not because they were allowed to play Nintendo.

It would be appalling to stop your child seeing a perfectly nice friend with a perfectly nice family just because they have a more relaxed attitude about gaming and TV and what have you.

Surely it’s not really a ‘play date’ when it’s a pair of 12-year-olds?

We are a low sugar and processed food household, will have family sweet things like fruit. We want to let kids be kids and eat natural foods, but if they go round a friends house and have a bit of cake, processed snacks for a few hours whilst having fun with their friends then we are not really that bothered.

That’s the way my daughter refers to it, although of course it’s not the same as one with younger kids. Not sure what your point is.

What about when ‘what have you’ turns out to be horrible things on-line?

I wouldn’t be in a hurry to send my child back to that house either. I don’t think that’s normal
for a 9 year old at all. I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over the gaming - I agree with you about kids being better off coming up with their own games and we don’t have any of that stuff in our house, but as a one off it’s not the end of the world. However the free access to the internet would worry me. Goodness knows what that child will access in future and I wouldn’t want to risk my child being exposed to that

I think as long as children are safe and happy, they learn a lot from seeing how different families operate.
You have to start talking to him about how to manage access to the internet because 11 is the average age boys see porn online. He will be shown things by other kids online in the next few years whatever you do.

Just to say if you stop him going on a playdate again to this house because of access to screens, he will end up not being able to tell you if he sees anything upsetting on a screen shown to him by another child e.g. at school. He needs to know you will not over react.

That is an awkward gap to navigate, and it only gets more common as play dates get more independent. Two things stand out. First, your DC came home and told you honestly what the afternoon looked like - that openness is the habit that will protect them later, so it is worth praising. Second, a calm word at drop-off next time goes a long way - most parents are happy to steer the kids to something else first when it is mentioned casually. The social media trend injury is also a nudge to check the parental controls on your own devices, because those trends spread at school no matter what happens on play dates.

I'd host and/or meet them out and about....

I wouldn’t allow children of that age to have unsupervised internet access, but other than that I think you’re worrying unnecessarily. The value to your daughter of enjoying herself with friends and navigating living environments different from her own far outweighs the negative effects of spending an hour or two on screens a couple of times a month. It is important for children to share cultural references with their peers and to not feel alienated from what are fairly normal activities in most households. She’ll still be spending the vast majority of her time at home, where you can set the rules; I would let this go.

I have very strict screen time rules in my house but I also think the fact you are shocked by a 9 year old having a tv, iPad and Nintendo is ridiculous. Their access to them sounds like it needs further restrictions sure but even you say the Nintendo is to play games on the family tv. I’m not sure what you are worried about you DD having one afternoon of some extra screen time. Has she never had a sick day and watched too much tv? Or done a long haul flight or a long road trip? Ultimately your kids spend the vast majority of time at home where you set the rules as long as they are safe and taken care of at the play date I’m not sure what the issue is here tbh

It sounds as if 11 is the new base-line in your view. Just normal. Nothing anyone can do.

If so, if accepted, it will be six Sion enough

It isn’t, though. They were playing games together.

Tbh I’d probably silently judge the parent but I’d view it in a similar way to if they had an unhealthy meal at a play date - no harm as it’s not a regular thing.

My view would change if the issue was unrestricted internet access to the point where they saw really inappropriate things. But it sounds like the issue here was too much, rather than the content itself.

At 9 years old I think you’ll be struggling if you want to avoid anywhere with a switch, ipad and/or TV. Each to their own obviously but by that age a lot of households are letting up on the tech restrictions especially when friends are over… If it was all age appropriate stuff like a game of Mario Kart or whatever I would let it go, it’s a playdate. I would be concerned, however, if they were accessing inappropriate content.