Parenting ADHD daughter

[Sugarplum5]

My 12 year old daughter has ADHD, PDA, school avoidance and terrible anxiety, also struggles with PMS/PMDD. My husband cant understand her and gets frustrated that she 'dosses', doesnt go to school alot of the time, doesnt help with chores. I obviously get frustrated with it too, but I find her very hard to parent. She lacks motivation, so asking her to get ready on time is a battle, the constant prompts, we are always late, or if its a day out she doesnt go anywhere at all and misses out. I am ashamed to say I feel like ive given up, I am tired of the asking her to do things, tired of the stressful mornings, tired of explaining myself to school and to my husband. He says we need more boundaries (i agree) but that ends up in arguments or someone crying. Daughter and dad currently havent got a good relationship. I've often thought about separating as i feel he causes more stress.
School have been somewhat helpful, she has an EHCP but recently the communication has been none existent despite me trying to get another meeting and an early review. I want to know, how are your teenage girls managing, what do you do to make it easier for yourselves and them?

Yeah I have a dd with adhd.

yes it does resonate. She stopped going to school quite a bit later - we did manage to get her through GCSEs before she dropped out.

things that helped:
having activities she like doing. For her this was horse riding, going to McDonald’s and cadets. She was much happier outside school.

chores: I found it best to assign chores that impacted on them and/or I helped with. So each holiday (half term or similar) we’d declutter her room and donate to charity shop. Box system for clothes and sports kit.

from 14 she washed her own clothes and had a dirty basket in her room. I helped her with this at weekends. She had Ikea bags for wet laundry and her own drying rack.

at the weekends the dhole family took it in turns to cook a meal and my son and daughter took turns with me supporting them and teaching them how to cook at the same time. By the time they were 16 both had five or six meals they could cook for the family on their own.

realistically your biggest issue is the not going to school. Is she medicated? Does she do well at school?

Firstly, I feel your pain.

For us, the big thing was deciding what we felt was most important and then focusing on that and letting some
other things slide.

We decided that staying in school and applying herself was the most important thing in the long term and we built a lot of supports around that. We never gave into her wish to stay home, the school refusal door was just never opened.

That has meant a lot of scaffolding, supports and putting up with a lot of poor behaviour and attitude outside this, but we think this has the greatest long term gain.

Where we think she can take it, we push her to push herself , language exchange etc

Focus on what you think is most important and work on that. You won’t be able to get her to do housework, attend school, do hobbies all in one go. You need to choose one thing and make it non negotiable.

She doesn’t go to school - no devices at all for example

Its a slog, I felt like giving up so often but you just have to knuckle down