Not liking motherhood atm

[Carrotblanca]

I dislike being a mum to my DD. She is almost 7 and it has been hard from when she was 2, the tantrums are still so intense and I fail to stay calm. She screams like she is being murdered and I worry the neighbors will send the services or something. Since she was little anything suggested by us was a NO. Now things like homework or clothes or dinner are enough to set her off. I hate myself for losing my calm too, but the noise goes through me. Before kids I would never think I would be a shouty person. My DS who is almost 3 closes his ears when his sister screams and breaks my heart that he has witnessed so much screaming.
I suggest things to play with her, but it's a no. especially anything that requires a bit of brain function, board games etc
I am tired, I dread the later years when she will be able to open the door and go!
It feels lonely,I can't tell anyone I know because I tarnish her or me. My DH is sick of my complaining snd my nights are me draining in guilt.

This seems familiar.
My child was the same. It is completely draining.

It's very hard for those who haven't experienced this to understand.

My child is ND autistic with a PDA profile.

If it's any consolation we are in teenage years now and things are far easier in many ways and we have a good relationship.

We did have to throw out preconceived ideas on how children should behave and we do have to manage life in a way that works. We home ed because a massive trigger for our child was school. Many of the more extreme behaviours were linked to school. Mornings they were so distraught and after school they were exhausted and in meltdown. Homework was a nightmare.

I think if homework is such a trigger you need to have a word with the teacher and maybe stick to just reading for bit
Primary school homework is not necessary apart from reading. You could read to her instead of asking her to read.

She is having tantrums because she is anxious not naughty. Reduce the demands make food simple and it could be the same (semi nutritious) meal every night sandwiches on her lap/picnic if that reduces tension
Then meals stop being battlegrounds and you can build on that. We went from refusing to eat to a healthy interest by taking the pressure off.
Stress reduces appetite. Hunger increases rage. They tend to veer between the two states unfortunately. Sensory issues make some foods seem genuinely disgusting to some children but there will be some she likes stick to those in the short term.

Pick your battles and throw out the window ideas about how s six year old SHOULD behave. Parent the child you have not the one you wish you had.

Be her advocate not her critic.

Clothes, again the easiest most comfortable favourite. Not what you think looks nice. Uniform we found went on better downstairs after juice or hot chocolate but before breakfast. Help dress her if it helps calm her.

School may be stressful for her or transitions in general.

Hth

Dd is still quite "spirited" but has turned out very well. She is 24 now lots of friends lovely intelligent energetic talented creature

Thank you both, you both said the same thing which is my downfall. Preconceived ideas of how she should be and being her advocate not her critic. I push my agenda a lot I suppose and that's why she struggles.
My DH told me to pick my battles, so I'll try that. Appreciate your answers and taking the time!

Have you looked into ND or PDA? Reading up on them might help with managing her outbursts.

She's clearly expressing distress. It's so hard to jettison what you assume is right, when your child deviates from the usual narrative.

I found I had to learn to parent the child I had, not the child id expected to have.

For us that was charts with pictograms to help manage how the day unfolds, timers, advance notice of all transitions, roleplay practicing transitions, and a weighted blanket for soothing when it all got too much.

For your daughter it will be other things, but I hope you find them. And don't be hard on yourself, this stuff is so hard.