18 month old suddenly hates bedtime

[NKBH]

6 nights ago, my 18 month old daughter hysterically cried when we went to do her usual bedtime bottle and put her in her cot. Ever since then, she absolutely refuses to sleep in there at bedtime. She will happily nap in there in the day, but bedtime is an absolute no go.

For a few nights the only way we could get her to sleep was taking her for a drive and transferring her into our bed, if we tried putting her in her cot she would wake up screaming and we’d have to try again. The last 2 nights she also screams in the car so has fallen asleep watching TV downstairs at 10-11pm.

I’ve taken her to the doctors and there’s nothing wrong with her, today she had a 3 hour nap in her cot and woke up happy, I have absolutely no idea what to do. Before this we’ve never ever had a problem at bedtime, she would either fall asleep drinking her bedtime milk, or go in the cot awake and fall asleep with us sat in the room.

Is this a regression? Seperation anxiety? Has anyone had this before?!

Oh this sounds so tough. Bedtime is our drama slot too, and ours is three now, so I really feel for you.

The 18 month sleep regression is a real thing, and separation anxiety peaks around this age as well. The fact she naps happily in the cot during the day tells you the cot is not the problem, which is actually useful. Something has just made bedtime feel different to her, and six nights of car drives and late nights in front of the TV is becoming the new normal she expects.

The thing that stood out to me is the three hour nap. At 18 months that is a lot of daytime sleep, and she may simply not be tired enough at bedtime. A lot of people cap the nap at two hours, even though waking a sleeping toddler feels cruel. If she wakes up grumpy and clearly needs it, fair enough, but if she wakes up happy you could try shortening it and see if bedtime improves.

Worth keeping molars in mind too. They usually arrive around this age and the pain often shows up as sudden bedtime hysteria out of nowhere. Your doctor said she is fine, but it is one of those things worth watching for.

For the reset, I would go back to what worked before any of this started. Keep the bottle and the routine exactly the same, sit in the room like you used to, and be as boring as possible about it. The car worked for a few nights but she is screaming there now too, so that tool is already breaking. Since she used to fall asleep with you sat in the room, that is your way back in. It might take a few rough nights to break a week-old pattern, but a week-old pattern is much easier to break than a month-old one.

Hope you get a proper evening back soon.

Thanks for your response!

The 3 hour nap is not the norm, it’s just because she slept 10:30pm-4am the night before. She usually has between 1 and 2 hours for her nap.

She already has all of her molars so I know it’s not that, I really do think it’s a seperation anxiety.

I’m just not sure how far to push it by trying her normal routine as she is crying to the point of gagging, and I don’t want her to be that distressed that she is sick.

That update really helps, thank you. If she is crying to the point of gagging I would take that as your limit line. That is not a child testing the routine, that is a child genuinely overwhelmed, and pushing through that will just teach her that bedtime is the scary part of the day.

Since she used to fall asleep with you sat in the room, I would go back to that as the base and then move out gradually instead of trying to go cold turkey on the routine. So: bottle and the whole routine exactly as before, then you sit in the room being as boring as possible until she settles. No chatting, no restarting anything. After two or three calm nights, move the chair closer to the door. Then the hallway where she can still hear you. If she ramps back up to gagging, you moved too fast, so drop back a step for a couple of nights. The aim is she never has to get that distressed to bring you back.

Two things that helped when our three-year-old went through a clingy patch: practice tiny separations in the daytime, like popping out of the room for ten seconds and coming back smiling, so she learns you always come back. And keep the bottle where it was. Changing the routine and the separation at the same time is a lot to ask of an 18 month old.

The car has already stopped working as a tool, so I would park it completely. A rescue that works half the time just teaches her that crying harder gets the ride.

You are right to trust your gut on not wanting her sick with distress. A week-old pattern is very fixable, and boring consistency will get you there faster than a few brutal nights.