How do you handle bedtime battles with a 3-year-old?

[KyleStar]

Hi everyone, I would love some advice. Our three-year-old has suddenly turned bedtime into a battle, every single night. Requests for water, another story, sudden urgent toilet trips, tears when we leave the room. By the time sleep finally comes it can be an hour and a half later than planned, and my husband and I are exhausted.

So far we have tried a consistent routine (bath, books, lights low) and a reward chart. The chart worked for about a week and then the novelty wore off. Otherwise our little one is happy and settled, so I do not think it is about being unsettled in general, just pure determination to stay awake.

What has worked for you? I am open to any tips. Thank you so much.

Sad to say….but the classic this too shall pass?

We sidnt enter into it the beftime routine happens and they were put to bed and had to stay in their room, if they came out they were taken back to their room we said a quick other good night, we didnt negotiate or drag it out

You start relenting nothing will change

I’m with @PollyBellthe bedtime routine is for cuddles and water and toilet trips. Once kid is in bed, that’s it. Tick off every item on the routine so you can be sure every need is met then leave with a firm “I love you, good night” if they come out, the first time lead them back and explain it’s bedtime and calmly tick them back in, no extra stories etc. after that if they come out, you do not engage with them. Take them by the hand, back in bed, quick good night then leave. They very soon understand.

you’re not being mean, you’re protecting their bedtime so they can get the sleep they need.

I have a 3 year old who does the same if she can. I go for a different way though and lie down with her. She is allowed 1 drink and 1 extra toilet break but if she is squirming too much to avoid sleep I will hold her still. Sometimes she asks for me to hold her tight. It is like if she is too tired she just can't manage herself. Sometimes she hates it. However I stay constant and it does work. Bedtime is usually 45min for the whole routine.

Thank you all so much for these replies, it is really reassuring to hear we are not the only ones in it.

PollyBell and Conversationalcheddar, you are both right that we have been negotiating far too much. I really like the idea of ticking off every need during the routine so we can leave the room confident everything is covered. We are going to try the calm, boring return-to-bed approach this week.

Redplasticboat, interesting to hear the other approach works for you too. Ours is a proper wriggler so I am not sure lying down together would end in sleep here, but good to know it can be done in 45 minutes.

Exhaustedlady, I will be clinging to this too shall pass. Thank you again everyone.

I wouldn’t lay down with her or anything like that…. Waiting until they’re asleep is a rod for your own back. My middle daughter was like this, I did bathroom things, so knew those were done, then move into the bedroom to change, story, bed. When things got difficult I’d start the routine about an hour earlier, I found the more tired she was the harder bed time was…. Also after the first put back to bed, I wouldn’t speak…always calm and cuddly just no speaking or reaction to the behaviour. Like with everything child behaviour related reward the good, TRY to ignore the bad.

What time is bedtime? It’s possible your brain is still in the baby years and you’re starting too early. Starting bedtime before 7:30-8pm would have been too early for ours at 3, so if you’re starting really early, push it back.

With one child, it shouldn’t take both of you. The other should be tidying up and sitting down. You can trade off so it’s not one of you doing it every day.

Also, at 3, leaving them to go to sleep alone just wouldn’t have worked for either of mine. At 5 or 6, yes, they tinker and play and put themselves to sleep when ready, but not at 3. It could simply be your expectations are unrealistic. I sat in with mine (got loads of work emails done, or meal planning, or the Tesco order) until they easily went to bed without me. It made it not a battle or a big deal.

Does the DC sleep in the dark? Mine always did but suddenly got scared so leaving the door open helped.

The point about the reward chart losing its shine after a week rings true. Charts rely on novelty, but a wriggly three-year-old needs something that still works on night fifty, not just night one. A simple picture schedule for each bedtime step, bath, teeth, story, toilet, water, lights out, lets her tick off what is already done rather than negotiate for more, which takes the wind out of those stalling requests. Pair that with one short, calm phrase you repeat word for word every time you walk her back to bed, and the predictability itself becomes the soothing bit rather than something to argue against.

Give in and lie with her till she falls asleep…and usually I fall asleep too. At least I’m not going downstairs for my usual 9pm snacks. Every cloud…

Agree that it did pass for us in the end but you do have to be firm at some point and stop giving in so much.

It passed before we started doing this, but I had read about doing ‘bedtime tokens’ so you give them say three tokens you make out of something, and each night they can use a token per ‘can I just…’ request. Once they’ve run out, they’re done. No more requests. It’s basically just the being firm and drawing a line but maybe in a slightly more accessible way. I think my little girl would have managed that quite well as she’d like the idea of autonomy that the tokens gave her but as I say it just stopped happening before we started doing the token thing.

I adopted similar to others. Same routine every night. First time ds got up it was a "it's bedtime now, time to sleep, night night, love you". Second time, "it's bedtime now ds". Third time and subsequent, no words exchanged, just tucked up back in bed. It lasted a few weeks.
It's true it will pass and it's a normal development stage. DS is 18 now and there have been no lasting effects 😁

Thank you all for the evening replies, this thread is becoming a little bedtime manual.

theiblis, starting the routine earlier when ours is overtired is a good shout. The fights get worse the more tired they get, so that tracks.

mindutopia, that made me think about timing. We start the routine at the same time every night, but if sleep is still arriving an hour and a half after lights out, maybe we are starting too early. Going to watch that. And trading off so one of us gets an evening off is a great call.

TeenToTwenties, we keep lights low for the routine already. Leaving the door open is worth trying.

Another1DD, the picture schedule plus one calm repeated phrase is such a good combo. We are stealing the phrase idea.

HangryHippos, the token idea is genius. I can see ours loving being in charge of those three chances.

DelilahBucket, silent returns after the second walk back sounds so doable. Thank you, and the reassurance that it passed means a lot.