15 Year old has had sex - boyfriend overly controlling and demanding

[bananaramaboo]

Looking for advice. I discovered an open condom wrapper in DD’s bedroom and she has admitted to having sex with her boyfriend. I don’t know how to move forward. Apart from the fact she is under age I have mixed feelings about the boy. In trying to be supportive we have allowed them to spend time at our house, in her room but always with the door open. He has not been allowed to visit since we found out and I just don’t know how to help her. They have been together around 5 months. He is very confident, and domineering. Texting relentlessly when he sees her online, expecting her to say Good morning and good night every day and I find him too much. We have told her she is too young to be having a sexual relationship but realise she will most likely continue. I feel as if I have failed her as a parent and have made mistakes in keeping her safe. The boys reputation will remain untarnished while I’m afraid her decision will haunt her. Has anyone been in this position and how did you navigate moving forward. He is not all bad and she has reassured me that it was consensual and something she wanted. I just think it’s too much too soon in what is a really important year for her.

Take her to her GP and get her on the pill.

You can say you don't approve of what she's doing, and you have concerns about her boyfriend's behaviour, but you're not going to interfere and she should know you're there for her, without judgment.

When it all goes to shit, you'll want her to feel comfortable coming to you.

Be prepared to raise her children, yes take her to doctor and just hope she listens as unfortunately as you aware this won't end well and you cant do anything except be there

The boys reputation will remain untarnished while I’m afraid her decision will haunt her.
This is ridiculous, we're not in a Jane Austen novel 😂
A 15 year old having sex with her boyfriend in a consensual relationship is not going to ruin her 'reputation'.

are they the same age? I wouldn’t be happy at all but it could be worse and at least they’ve been together 5 months. There are far less savoury situations to lose your virginity. However, I would be reminding them both that it is a criminal offence to have sex under 16. I would also get her on the pill and remind her that just because she has done it doesn’t mean she has to keep doing it. I wouldn’t let him in her bedroom any more and wouldn’t give them further opportunity. If possible I’d speak to his parents and say you don’t want her in his room either because it is illegal for them to be having sex, you don’t want her getting pregnant etc. Make it as awkward and uncomfortable as possible.

Thanks for the responses. I am considering the GP for contraception and I told her he needed to let his parents know - which he has now done. I am trying to do right by my DD without encouraging the sexual relationship but trying to keep her safe at the same time. I am concerned if I come down too hard on the no bedroom rule they will find a way to do it in less safe situations.

Reminding them that it is illegal while they are both under 16 seems to be the only thing she is hearing as she insists it was comfortable and what they both wanted

What do you mean ‘less safe situations’? Penetration is penetration whether you do it in a bed or behind a shed.

I think she needs some resources to read in her own time and space about controlling behaviour in relationships.

people on MN have often recommended ‘why does he do that?’ There must be others too.

She needs to be helped to realise that she doesn’t have to do what he (or any other boy/ man ) says. And probably yes needs to be on pill (but arranging that will look like you being ok with her being in that relationship.

Like in a park or behind a shop......it is less safe, what if they are caught? More chance of condom splitting in darkness etc.

This. I would hate to push them into dangerous situations outside.

There are two entirely different things here.

1. She is having sex underage. Although not ideal, it's not the end of the world. Pregnancy on the other hand may be. As others have said, get her on the pill. Please also examine your own attitudes around "her decision will haunt her". Will it? Why should it? Although you seem to be against these attitudes, you are at the same time perpetuating them.

1. She's in a relationship with a controlling young man. This is a much more dangerous and thorny situation in my opinion. She will need help to get away from him. But she may not understand the situation she's in. You need to try to keep communication open and supportive.

I find this argument weird. The only danger there would be someone reporting it to the police which imo wouldn’t be a bad thing and would hopefully put them off, at least the girl anyway. The lad will be useless with condoms wherever they go.I definitely wouldn’t be providing a nice comfortable bed for them. Lying in bed together provides more intimacy as well which is in advisable considering you say he’s controlling.

If the illegality has given her pause for thought, I think I’d also make sure she knows about percentage effectiveness rates on different types of contraception - what is says on the box and real world statistics - ultimately she is the one an unplanned pregnancy will impact the most.

As another poster said, I’d separate the two issues of an) underage sex from the b) controlling boyfriend issue, you may find pausing/ halting a) resolves b). (That’s not to say don’t talk with your daughter about recognising the behaviours and how to deal with them).