Husband makes no effort to engage or interact with 11 month old

[YourCoralPoster]

I'm getting really frustrated and upset and don't know what to do now.

We have an 11 month old little boy, and while it's clear that my husband loves him very much, he makes no effort at all to engage with him, chat to him, play with him, and so on.

We take turns getting up with him in the morning so that the other parent can get a bit of extra sleep, but every single time it's my husband's turn to get up, I hear total silence from him apart from the occasional "hold on, food's coming" or the odd playful comment when my son is obviously doing something silly.

He spends the entire time scrolling on his phone next to our son, doesn't ever pick up his toys to play with him, doesn't read to him. Repeatedly tries to just stick the TV on for him, though I've finally gotten through to him to stop doing this and he has.

It's the same when I'm getting some work done in the other room. It's total silence from my husband and when I do pop in, he's just sitting on his phone while our son is trying to climb on him or get his attention, or wandering around the room and needs to be watched. My husband calls this "looking after him" but sitting in silence in the same room on your phone is not my definition of looking after a baby.

I understand that our son doesn't need to be played with or spoken to 100% of the time. I certainly leave him playing in his play pen lots so I can clean, cook, get ready, and so on. There are times when I'm exhausted and need to scroll on my phone for a bit. But I DO try my best most of the time. I do my best to chat to him and narrate what I'm doing --- how else is he going to learn to speak?! I play with him lots, I take him out every single day for walks or to do an activity or class, I read books to him every evening.

I've tried speaking to my husband about this over and over, that can he please try to speak to our son a bit more and get off his phone a bit more. He initially would say yes but didn't. Then it turned into him getting annoyed at me repeatedly asking him and him just saying "yes, I already heard you" to get me off his back, now he literally doesn't even reply or say anything when I mention it. I'm just met with silence.

I'm making this post after yet another morning of the same. I'm so angry right now and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm the only parent making any effort for our son.

Well how mych interest did he show in wanting children before you conceived and in pregnancy? Was he all in and keen and wanted to be totally involved

This is unacceptable OP and you need to sit him down for a serious conversation. Looking after a toddler involves so much more than just "minding the shop". I am wondering if he is being deliberately obtuse so that you step in and relieve him of his duties?

@PollyBell He wanted children more than I did and was very excited. Though, now that you mention it, I was also disappointed in his lack of effort during my pregnancy. He was initially not very helpful during the newborn stage either, until our relationship reached breaking point and he really switched up and became very hands on and helpful. Now that our son is moving, needs constant watching and actual entertainment rather than just laying there, though, he's become disappointing again.

I agree he needs to step up more, but it might be helpful to try and work out why he isn't already. As pp said, it could be weaponised incompetence. Or he wasn't as keen on having DC as you were.

Do you have much a feel for what his relationship with his own dad was like growing up? I had this with DH, his dad was a very typical 'breadwinner' and it turns out did fuck all parenting. DH couldn't work out why I was getting pissed off as in his mind he was being way more hands on than his dad ever was. But to me it didn't come across as a huge amount as my dad did loads when I was little.

Can i ask you something - you say 'its clear he loves him very much'
Can you give us some examples of how he actually demonstrates this?

To play devil's advocate a little, does he know HOW to interact with his son? Some parents need more help to work out what to do to play. Especially if his dad wasn't very involved.