Please give me parenting advice for a overly attached toddler

[SuzeL1997]

Hi all just wondering if anyone could help me and give me some parenting advice for a needy toddler (bit of back story)

Since my son was born he’s never slept through the night, he never slept flat on his back at the time we struggled with him crying all night long after months of back and forth to the doctors/A&E we found out he had reflux and cows milk allergies

His reflux was so bad they was discussing him having a operation at around 4 months old

So since he was born we co slept only way anyone could sleep

Co sleeping carried on but the issues with attachment became bad at 12 months

We tried getting him to sleep in his crib, we have done everything.
Comfort item
Ferber Method
Chair Method
Pick-Up / Put-Down
Etc

My son even now cries when he gets put down into a crib (20 months) and does not stop crying until he gets into bed with me but he’s extremely attached to me and this is where the problem lies

From first thing in morning he wants to be cuddling, touching or kissing me

He’s constantly climbing on me and sitting on me/ bouncing

He refuses to eat unless I’m in eye sight of him

If I leave the room we are in he constantly screams and cries until I return or he comes to me

If I go to the toilet he follows me and just wants to sit on my knee

He won’t play with his toys unless I am there.

My partner tries so hard to support me when he’s home like when I need a shower etc but even then my son is throwing himself around and going crazy until I return

I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant (found out when I was 20 weeks) due to having the coil in I didn’t even know! And I’m struggling with him because I don’t even get the evening to just relax, clean up, shower, eat on my own because he’s in the bed if I moved out of the bed after a few minutes he’s climbing off and screaming at the baby gate (even when I go to the toilet) (same with daytime naps)

I’m constantly woken up by him waking up during the night/ pregnancy insomnia so I’m struggling with being exhausted all the time and he refuses to settle for anyone but me (we have tried with dad multiple times at least twice a week)

When we are out walking he will randomly just sit down and refuse to walk unless I pick him up and carry him.

Currently he’s non verbal says dada, nana and bop bop. He screams and cries to communicate (we are watching this) as I know he’s behind with his language skills and have mentioned it to his HV who said that I have to wait until he’s 2 years old before he can get any help

I tried putting him in nursery but the staff told me he wasn’t settling and they didn’t think it was a “good fit”

So 24hrs a day 7 days a week I’m attached to my son even when I want to poop!! the only break I can have is every 2 weeks my mother or MIL takes him for a few hours every Sunday to give me a break but it can’t be too long as he doesn’t settle for them and starts his tantrums.

I feel trapped, suffocated by the fact that he isn’t independent, that I can’t do simple things without him causing such a fit that he starts going blue in the face from screaming and crying, I absolutely adore my son and I love the fact that he’s grown a strong attachment but it’s starting to gradually become too much, 24hrs he’s constantly touching me, I am constantly uncomfortable, my body aches and I feel like it’s not recovering in the evening/ night to be able to be the best mum I can be for him

Any advice is welcomed as I know this probably sounds like I’m being very sensitive but I just feel touched out by him, I want to be able to just grab a shower without my son needing to watch me/ trying to grab me as I wash my pits and bits

I want some me time 😩

I can absolutely understand how you feel. Do you mind if I ask a couple of questions?

How is his CMPA managed? Is he IGE or non-IGE and have other allergies been ruled out? Around half of all people with CMPA are also allergic to Soya, so has that been ruled out too?

How is he if you give him a dose of Calpol? Is he less needy and more settled?

How old is he exactly? I’m sorry if you’ve said but I’ve managed to miss this vital piece of information.

And how does he do on this simple progress checker?

A couple of things that might help for when baby arrives are a playpen that you can put DC1 in if you need to keep DC2 safe whilst you’re doing things like putting away shopping, having a wee or answering the door and a next to me crib so that you’re not worried about DC2 being hurt on the bed

I had a child like this - severe reflux and multiple food allergies too.

I think because of the difficult start we had she has been much more reliant on getting comfort from others, primarily me. She didn't sleep through the night reliably until 4.5 and needed comfort from us to fall asleep until 5.

We have had development delays due to this too. She was very behind at 4 months and slightly behind at 20 months. She is now 6 and on target. We and her medical team now think when she is overwhelmed by her ill health her development suffers until it's better controlled again. I would look to see if there are any other allergies and whether the reflux is still being adequately managed. My daughter was on infant gaviscon and domperidone until 5 and is still on omperazole. We had a difficult time around 15 months and again at 3years where her reflux became uncontrolled again and needed medication doses all increasing. Since being 3.5 she's been on 20mg twice a day

I would get completely touched out by her at it's worse she was physically in my arms touching me 23h a day every day. The other hour very close to me. It's exhausting, around 18months we managed to get her to nap/sleep lying on the bed and would tolerate me rolling away some times. My partner would sleep in the spare room so she had his side. This gave me a bit of sleep untouched. At 2 we moved her to a bed and I could settle her in her bed and offer get 60-90 minutes in my bed before she woke up and this made a much bigger difference than I would have thought. It has been baby steps in just slowly pushing her comfort window.

My second is completely the opposite and came out of the womb more able to sooth than she ever could manage as a baby. He's still attached but in a different way. They both cry/cried when I left but my eldest was more "how dare you leave me, I needed you" and my youngest is "I miss you when you leave and I'm happy now you are back"