2,5 year old who shows zero independence

[BirdieBob]

Hey there. I'm a father of a 2,5 year old girl who's the best there is. We do however have a few issues that might stem from our parenting, but I don't know. She's slightly underweight, but that's more a family trait that anything I think.

She goes to preschool and loves it. She's a very active kid that prefers playing outdoors. And here lies a bit of our problem. While she she's good at playing and eating in the preschool, she's the complete opposite at home.

She is 2,5 years and tend to not eat unless we feed her actively. She has every toy known to man for her age, but she finds them all boring. She expects us to entertain her every single second. But if we take her outside she's happy as a Cheshire cat.

How do you get her to be more independent at home without coming across as an unloving father? It just breaks me when she gets so sad because I refuse to play with her or feed her.

Sounds like a normal 2 year old to me. My dd never really played with toys. I would just concentrate on her feeding herself.

Also have a 2.5 year .

Honestly?
We force it abit and keep pushing back.
We all eat together and never offer to feed him. So he knows he has to do it.

For playing, we will say we are busy and it's time to play. he might push back a few times and we keep encouraging and he'll go off then.

She is 2! Maybe she has too many toys.

I would be more considered about her weight. What is her what centile was she born on and what is she now? What is she eating in a typical day? Does she eat well at home on days she isn’t at nursery? I’m wondering if she is tired after nursery and lots of kids don’t eat well for dinner.

Too many toys can be part of the issue read up on it.

My 4 year old has just started to use her imagination and play independently. I would say it started about 3 years 7 months. I think you might be expecting too much. Before then at 3 she could maybe use her magnetic tiles for 20 minutes or so but I don't think independent play really gets going until they develop their imagination.

Firstly, it's completely normal for her to behave differently at preschool than at home - nearly all kids do this.

It's also normal for her to want to be entertained rather than play independently. You could try a bit of gentle push back, "I'll just finish this job for a few minutes and then I can play with you".

i would focus on getting her to feed herself. Have you tried filling the spoon for her but then handing it to her to put in her mouth? Joint effort! As pp says, it's good to sit around the table and eat together.

You sound like a good parent. Don't worry about being an uncaring dad - it's part of your job to encourage independence.

She's always been beneath the median. She's 11,3 kilos now. Lost half a kilo the last 3 weeks because of two bouts with antibiotics and strep. Her tonsils are an issue methinks. She eats well nutrition wise when she eats - both at home and the preschool. The issue is more that she eats little in general and of that the majority is in preschool so we have little control.

As for the toys, we agree. We tend to rotate and remove toys, but even then whether it's a new or old got, she just looks at it for 2 minutes then is bored. I'm not even exaggerating.

The only time she plays for 5-10 minutes is when she's pooping or right before bedtime.

If she's underweight I would keep feeding her for now. It doesn't really matter before school age anyway. You can work on motor coordination skills with things like drawing, threading, play doh, dressing dolls, peg boards, jigsaws etc. Are you still giving full fat milk and are you under a nutritionist or dietician or paediatrician at all?

We do try and eat two meals a day together. But she's rarely interested in the food. She enjoys some fish and pasta sometimes, but more often than not her brain is too preoccupied with what she wants to do after the meal than actually eating.

She doesn't drink much milk.

Mostly oats, bread, yoghurt and the hot meals at any given day.

One of my DC was like this. We gave her lots of snacks throughout the day so mealtimes were small meals as well. At 2.5 most DC can’t play independently so that is normal. We just went with it. We did make chores and jobs into games. DC ‘helped’ with everything even though it made a job take five times longer it still got done.

Ok, make sure you're giving her full fat milk with her oats and not low fat yoghurts. Give her 3 meals and 3 snacks a day (or if you've had medical advice then follow that). If she's underweight you need to prioritise calories first before thinking about things like independence in feeding herself. And take her to see your GP or health visitor if you haven't already.

Try to make mealtimes short and enjoyable. Don’t get her to the table until everything is ready. Sit down, talk about other things that aren’t how much she is or isn’t eating. But not the gas bill or what bin goes out tonight either.

Teach her to say something like ‘please may I get down from the table’ and let her go. One of my DD’s was underweight and still is as a young adult, so much so we had to go to the hospital a few times. She ate but not much and she was always so busy she didn’t put on weight. She got into sports when she started school and it’s never held her back. It is worrying but you are doing the right thing by feeding her nutritional food at the right time. Don’t fall into the trap of giving her biscuits or whatever to fatten her up.

It is normal for this age to be fair, and there’s no quicker way of teaching this but modeling and giving confidence imo.

So things like “woooow look how daddy’s using his fork, I bet you can do it too” or just start playing with her toys yourself, rather than doing the playing for her like building a tower with duplo blocks or whatever.

This is a long game though. And admittedly, it seems like ignoring pleas to play and simply doing some other chore nearby seems to eventually work to get my toddler to play by himself for a bit. Sitting and watching from the sofa doesn’t, I always have to be doing something else too.

Is she actually underweight? OP describes her as "below the median" but that applies to 50% of kids! 11.3kg is a healthy weight for a 2.5yo unless she's much taller than average.

Yeah it's probably a poor wording on my part. She's always been under the curve for her age group, from the belly to now, but it's to be expected based on genetics I reckon.

But she is getting thinner by the month I feel. And it doesn't help with the tonsils causing so much mouth pain.

I'm not overly worried by her weight, but I'm a bit worried about her lack of interest in food and very worried about her lack of attention span and independence in play.

What does she eat and drink in a day?
Do you and/or your partner sit and play with her? Not many children will play independently at 2,5.
Do you read her stories?
Do you draw with her?
You say she lives being outside - perhaps she loves the park - how often do you go?
Very few 2,5 year olds amuse themselves fkr more than a few minutes - many many years ago, DS would watch the new phenomena of The TellyTubbies long enough for me to unload the dishwasher and have a wee on my own

Lack of independence in play is 100% normal. She’s really young. Of course there are some kids who play on their own at that age but they are not the norm. It’s normal but of course sometimes you can’t play so they just have to wait. I have done A LOT of household jobs holding a 2 year old in my arms….because that is what they need. By 3 they start to play more independently…sometimes…

Would second the pp about fewer toys. I put about 75% of ours in the attic one day and the difference was immediate. Started doing a toy rotation after that but then came out of COVID, had a second child and didn't have time for that at all 🤣

We now basically have magnetic tiles, duplo/Lego, balls and then books and family board games. These are the things which we noticed were regularly reached for so we prioritised them for space and if bringing anything new into the house.

If it’s taking her 5 to 10 mins to poop then she is probably constipated and this will effect her appetite.

Other then the recent illness has she been following her growth line curve?