Not coping with 16 month old

[willowsap]

I'm a first time mum to a 16 month old boy.

I don't have family to help and only the odd friend who can watch him if it's an emergency (example hospital appointment).

He used to be a sweet and loving child, but for about 5 months now his temper tantrums have been getting worse and I have come to resent him.

If I'm cooking he clings to me and tries getting under my feet or hand me a toy. I've tried explaining to him in simple terms that I cannot play with him at that time and tried redirecting him and giving him something to distract him. This leads to full on screeching from him. I don't do overly complicated meals, so my focus isn't being taken from him for long. I've tried including him what I'm doing, but he threw himself around when something doesn't go the way he wants it to.

He targets anything he can get his hands on, so I barely have anything within reach or left out.

I don't do screen time, but I have had music playing in the background because I need something to cope.

Someone suggested leaving the room for a few minutes when he gets bad, but we live in a flat, so there's not much space to have a break.

I hate taking him out now because he plays up, but both me and him struggle with being indoors for too long. I take him to play groups and he throws himself around on the floor and screams his head off. I know other parents have gone through this, but I still feel judged by everyone.I took him to the park earlier and he threw himself onto the grass, cried and screamed because he didn't want to go into his pushchair and wanted to stay. This went on for several minutes. I didn't scream or shout, I had a blank face and didn't make a scene. However, I had a few adults (and children) ask what was wrong with him/why is he doing that etc. I explained he's having a temper tantrum because he isn't getting his own way. I hated the looks they gave him. In the end, I picked him up and put him into his pushchair. I have a joint condition, so it can be painful for me to hold/carry him for too long.

I try to stay calm, but I feel like I'm on autopilot and I physically and mentally cannot stand it anymore and I hate being around him. I get no enjoyment with playing with him or reading to him.

I hate the fact that I don't feel connected to him. I've spoken to my GP, local HV and staff at the play groups and they all say the same things "He's doing well" "It's normal" and "It will get better".

Fortunately, he sleeps well at night, but I dread when he's awake. I only like the photo and video version of him.

I see other parents with their children and I feel envious because of how well behaved they are. I know they probably went through the same thing.

He feels like a stranger to me.

Toddlers can be such hard work at times - you are definitely not alone but I know how lonely and frustrating it can feel.

Anyone who is openly being judgemental is probably deluded about normal child behaviour or has a rose-tinted view about what their own children were really like when they were little. I always really hated this part...

It's good that you've spoken to the GP and HV but it sounds like they didn't offer any practical suggestions at all, which is disappointing.

In the kitchen, I used to find it helpful to have one small, low cupboard just full of things my son could play with while I cooked - colander, wooden spoons, plastic cups etc. Not foolproof but could be worth a try.

Out and about - you probably already bring snacks but having some extra can always help, if you see that he's about to lose it. Or interesting little toys and things that are not available to play with at home. I also found that my son was happier to go in the buggy if I only buckled the lap belt, not the shoulder ones - felt less restrictive for him, but still secured enough at that age. Dunno if that's an issue.

Also, as much as I didn't want my kid watching TV at that age, sometimes it was the only way I could get a break and keep myself from losing it completely.

Action for Children offer a free, confidential chat service to support parents, if you are interested. https://parents.actionforchildren.org.uk/

I think you need to talk to your HV again and tell them just how much you’re struggling emotionally. She may of know of a local group for Mums who need a bit more support. Around here there is one run by a local Mum who suffered from PND. She can probably refer you to Homestart too who may be able to provide a volunteer for a couple of hours a week.

I would also give the Pandas foundation a call and tell them how you’re feeling

If you’re cooking and he wants attention, one thing mine liked was to have the pans on the kitchen floor a little away from me and some dried pasta a a wooden spoon to mess about with. Do you think he would be happy with something like that for a couple of minutes whilst you make a sandwich?

And if the HV says he’s doing fine, how does he do on the 16 month Ages & Stages?

I think you would be wise to understand child development and have realistic expectations of him, He is a baby, he isn’t being bad and won’t understand your explaining to him.

Do you have a partner? To me it sounds like you are perhaps needing a break and maybe a chat with your GP if it really feels like he is a stranger.

I agree that anyone being judgemental is deluded. Also try to remember that it’s normal human behaviour to look of a child is crying, we’re all programmed to keep them safe but you really don’t know what those people are thinking, if it’s me I’m usually thinking poor love, been there, done that and it can be hard

Your Toddler Month by Month is really good OP, you might be able to get it from your local library

Try loop earbuds. You can still hear, but the screeching will be much more tolerable.

I’m guessing dad isn’t in the picture. It’s hard being a lone parent of a toddler/pre schooler. I returned to work and put dd in nursery from 12 months old and that helped me heal from PND. A toddler is so intense when you don’t some time to yourself.

Would going to work be an option and put him into Nursery for some of the week? I know it will be difficult but UC do pay a fair bit of the Nursery bill.

Does your local council run stay and play sessions? Mine does, they are run by health visitors and nursery nurses. They have lots of experience of kids of all ages and don't judge tantrums! I have gone in and burst in to tears before now, and they took my baby so I could have a cup of tea and a sit down.

Hi thank you for messages. I've tried writing our replies.

I wish my GP and HV were more helpful, but they seemed to not real care. I have used a cupboard for him to use, but he kept trying to slide them under my feet several times. I bring snacks and toys with us and sometimes is helps, but once he finishes his snacks or the toy is no longer interesting, he starts screaming. Buckling only the lap belt might help.

I did try TV, but he wouldn't pay attention to it for long and would come back to me wanting attention. It was all age appropriate.

I've seen this HV a few times and have explained to her that I am not doing well and I just get the same things. I'll have a look into PANDAS, thank you. He seems to be hitting all of his stage targets at the moment

We were together until I was about 8 months pregnant and he cheated on me with his ex. The last thing I heard was she was arrested for drug charges and he got kicked out of the place they were living at. I never changed my number or blocked him. He has never asked about our son.

I was working until a week before I was due. Unfortunately they couldn't offer me the hours/days that would work so I couldn't go back. I looked into places near me, but the hours wouldn't work. Plus with how my joints are currently, I would ideal need something a bit more flexible, so I am not in too much pain to look after my son.

I haven't heard of any local council run stay and groups in my area

I have 3 kids and I only have 1 main piece of advice… my eldest two have both screamed at going in the pushchair. But then as time went on I stopped worrying about their tantrums and just picked them up and forced them in and strapped in. I pushed a screaming child down th road home many a time. But it beats standing there in despair. I’ve always felt at least I was purposefully heading home to lunch or teatime etc.

Is he in nursery? If not, would you think about sending him, or maybe setting up some kind of childcare arrangement with a friend - e.g. you take both kids one morning and your friend does the same another morning? We also have no village and I'm with my toddler 23/7, but I do get a bit of a break when my partner comes home from work and I usually get a good chunk of time to myself at the weekend. Toddlers are really hard work and I think I'd go mad without that. You're doing better than I ever could. Keep going to the playgroups and get as much adult contact as you can. I really don't think anyone is judging you - my kid has had some epic screaming meltdowns. 🤷

Mostly posting to say that at 16 months my child was also exceptionally clingy and needed constant entertaining, but now at almost 20 months she's capable of playing by herself for a good 15 minutes, sometimes longer (sometimes not so long!) Of course, all children are different, but I hope the same might be true for your son.