Age gap siblings

[Hann376]

DD is almost 2 and we planned to have another with around a 3 year age gap give or take.

but not I’m questioning whether I can cope with another with under a 3 year age gap as I find parenting full on and really struggled with my mental health . I’m only just feeling like myself again and still get v overwhelmed

can anyone advise on whether 2 year 9 month, or around 3 year age gap is manageable for someone that struggles with their mental health?

If you’re still feeling overwhelmed and only just beginning to feel like yourself again, why the rush to have another child? Our son is 20 years younger than his siblings and they have the most beautiful relationship. Try not to get caught up on achieving the perfect age gap and do what feels best for you

Hello, I would genuinely look at whatever move from 1 to 2 children is doable rather than whether the age gap is manageable. I say this with the right intentions as somebody who has struggled with mental health in the past. 6-8 years of being in the trenches with young ones isn’t an easy task for anybody.

Nobody can really tell you because every womans experience is different
however here is mine, I didn't have the best time during pregnancy I then developed PND that wasn't picked up until my baby was a year old, I couldn't have coped with 2 young children at home, so I have 5 years between mine.

What are the main reasons for wanting a 3 year gap because it seems you are getting to a good place why would you rush ?

I don’t think there is a ‘right’ age gap. Siblings will get on or not because of nature and nurture, age gap is completely irrelevant. If you feel you’d struggle to cope with a preschooler and newborn, don’t do it, you are just creating a whole load of extra stress for your family. If you are not up against an aging body clock, then wait it out for a bit longer. And whatever you do, don’t have another child because you feel your current child would be missing out on a sibling.

Two kids is a lot of work to be honest, irrespective of the gap

that said I don’t know why people go for crazy small gaps. I’m in a 2 under 2 FB group and some have gaps of twelve months (or less!)

I think slightly bigger age gaps work well if only because one is in school but really it’s hard either way.

Whatever you feel just now will effectively be tripled, so 3 year old, baby and the utter exhaustion in the early days.

If you definitely want more kids, it's not compulsory, personally i would try and time it for when the first starts school.

We aimed for 2 years and ended up with just over a 3 year gap. DSIL went for 3 years and ended up with a 4 year gap.

Nothing is guaranteed as you probably know already but as others have said, I would seriously consider how you’re going to cope with 2 DC no matter what the gap is

@Hann376 if it helps I have two. I’ve only just come to a point where I don’t regret it and my youngest is now three BUT I now don’t regret it and I’m glad I have them both and love them dearly.

So I won’t say don’t do it. But have your eyes open (sounds like you do!)

And I hate to be negative but if you’ve been struggling with one toddler I really do hope you have the reserves for the teen years.

Oh, be quiet 🙄 toddlers are fucking horrific at times.

I think the childcare aspect helped me. I have pretty much a 3 year gap so when Ds2 was born Ds1 started preschool so was in nursery 5 mornings a week. Dh was fully hands on so mornings there were two of us getting two children ready to leave the house. Then he went to work and I did the school run. I was a sahm.

My friend has a 4 year gap as she wanted her oldest child in school for 6 hours a day whilst she was home with a newborn. She found that easier although school holidays are every 6-7 weeks and then some are 2 weeks long, Christmas and Easter. Obviously summer holidays are 6 weeks.

I think things that can help is the mindset that this is going to be difficult but as you can see now you do come out the other side. Get as much practical help as you can from your Dh/Dp, family and friends.

@ExplodingSmittens the teen years for both my sons were a dream, honestly. No raised voices, no slammed doors, no fuck yous said aloud. Went to school and got incredible grades.

I think it really is luck though. DC1 was very much like your two, DC2 nearly broke us. DC2 is late teens now and on the right path but we still have to watch what we say and I really do have no idea how our marriage survived.

Yes I am aware, strangely my DC were toddlers once.

All I am warning the OP about is that she doesn’t just have to consider how she would deal with say a newborn and a three year old, there are so many other considerations and having a teen with EBSA is hard, if we’d had MH problems of our own to contend with I’m really not sure how we would have coped.

My teens are fooking awesome, so much easier than toddler years.

So was one of mine, mind you they were both pretty amazing toddlers too.

There is no guarantee a tricky toddler will be a tricky teen.

Many people get through the teen years unscathed.

My DC1 was pretty challenging as a toddler. He had a penchant for biting, shoving and hitting which meant any sort of stay and play activity was out, so it was quite lonely. DC2 was fine; a few moments but nothing terrible.

I had a difficult time with my mental health after having my daughter. At 2 years I had just started to get back to normal, it took until 3 years to feel ready discuss trying again. It took me 8 months to switch my medication for my mental health from ones I couldn't conceive on to ones I could. During this time I had some counselling through the HV service and we felt ready to try again.

I conceived quickly but went on to have 2 miscarriages both at 10 weeks and with hyperemesis in the pregnancies. I was so grateful that my daughter was ~4 at this point as she could understand mum feel poorly easier. One coincided with the Olympics and we spent a lot of time lay on the sofa watching that. The third pregnancy stick and I have a 5y1m age gap. I got really unwell in the pregnancy, had a threatened preterm labour at 34-35 weeks, had 3 admissions due to liver and fatigue based complications and was induced at just short of 37 weeks. I'm one year on and still struggling with my physical and mental health although my mental health isn't as bad as when I had my eldest. Her being in school gives me structure and purpose to my days which helped. Her being in school has also given me access to a local network of other mums that I didn't have when she was in nursery and younger. This has released the pressure a little bit on me and made having 2 with my health as it is manageable

I think you should aim for 4 years.

i have a 3 year and 2 year gap. A friend has a 4 year gap and that seems sooo much more manageable

I have a 3.5 year gap and that has worked really well. Dc1 was in a school nursery when dc2 was born, so the same hours as school, and waiting until school age wouldn't have made much difference. Dc1 liked doing activity camps during holidays so I was still mostly dealing with just one child in the school holidays. DH has a short commute (10 mins) so there was only a short period every day that I was dealing with 2 dcs before he got home, and he also helped get the dcs up in the mornings. We spent all weekends together too, he didn't go off and spend time with mates or doing sports. I think if he had a job where he left before the dcs got up and didn't get home until after bedtime, or worked away a lot or had a hobby which occupied him every weekend, I wouldn't have had dc2. Personally I didn't find the toddler years too difficult and it was mainly because I wasn't having to do it all on my own, that had a bigger impact for me than the age gap.

Absolutely agree. My two boys were absolute devils as toddlers, DS2 in particular. Now both late teens/early 20’s and I feel so flipping lucky how easy they have been as teenagers

Forgot to add - we have a 5 year age gap, has had its pros and cons but is lovely now