5yo being rough at school - I need help!

[ForMintHedgehog]

Hello,

I’m in Scotland. My eldest son started primary school this term so is coming to the end of his first term of primary one. I’m deeply worried and upset because he has not always been behaving himself well and I’m not sure what to do.

He’s your classic super high energy boy. Loves cars and rolling in the dirt. Likes to play physical games where he’s using his body or hands, for example to build or make things. But he also loves having a story read and watching a documentary about animals. He’s been in nursery since age 1 and they always said he was very high energy, very smart and would sometimes forget gentle hands with his peers but not in any worrying way. He had lots of friends and was well liked.

He says he’s really enjoying school and has made fast friends. The teacher implements a reward chart system and I think he has 5/10 rewards. His teacher has been off for what will be the last 3 weeks of term though so this has stalled. He has come home some days with stickers and his teacher has given me a quick chat once to say he’s had a good week.

That said, these things have also happened:

• end of week 2 I got a call at home saying he’d been hitting and pushing. I said we absolutely did not condone that behaviour and I would speak to him. I was asked if he’d come home with stories about rough behaviour and mentioned he said he’d been hit or pushed a few times. She said they were a very physical year group and it was going to be addressed. She thanked me and we hung up
• For the following 3-4 weeks we didn’t really hear anything from the school. Maybe an occasional comment at pickup about remembering to be gentle; or my son would come home and say he’d been spoken to about remembering to be kind
• Last word I had from his normal teacher was that he’d lost play time twice in the term, but only twice, and that he was a typical 5yo boy in primary one who just gets overexcited
• Since then, I’ve been passed 2 hand written notes from the cover teacher to say he’s been hitting. The first was he pushed a boy who then tripped over a chair and hurt himself, the second was today and it’s just a bullet point list that says ‘punching, kicking, nipping peers, leaving class without permission’. No context.

I tried to speak to the teacher for more information but she’d gone. I asked for a call back after the last note and didn’t get one. I’ve asked for a further call back from a member of the leadership team. I need to understand what’s going on so I can support the school. We obviously have consequences at home and have been very consistent with the message that we never ever hit. He understands this and it’s absolutely an impulse control issue. He’s very empathetic and can explain to me at home that he knows it’s wrong, but he says at school he just can’t make his head remember.

I feel really upset and demoralised by these notes. I’ve had no positive feedback about my son - other than that one quick chat - for 8 weeks. Only negative things. I’m at a bit of a loss as we’ve never had behaviour like this from him before and I’m beginning to feel like I’ve failed him.

Any advice or has anyone had a similar experience?

Has anything changed at home? Has he been exposed to something violent?

What exactly are the consequences? Does he also have to make the child(ren) he attacked an apology card?

No advice for you but just to let you know that you are not the only one going through something like this. My son is in p2 and sounds very similar. He gets very over excited and I think tries to show off to his friends, but it ends up with him getting himself in trouble. I dont think he does it to be bad, I think he just lacks impulse control and doesn't think about the consequences. He doesnt hit anyone, but loves to wrestle and can get a bit carried away. Today we had a chat with his PSA who said they have had issues with him using bad language in the playground, resulting in him missing out on play outside after lunch. We do not use any bad language or swear words at home, but I know he has picked these up from his older cousin. The PSA said the context in which he is using these words isn't bad, because he doesn't really understand, it's just that he is using words that shouldn't be said at school (or anywhere for that matter).

Our DS doesn't like when the teachers talk to us about these things, and responds positively to being told by his teachers that they will have to talk to us about it. That usually is enough to make him think about his actions.

Thankfully this week has been a good week, and we haven't heard any negative feedback, in fact he was praised by his teachers this week for being polite and working hard.

As it's the October holidays next week im hoping it's enough for a big reset.

Is there a good outdoor area? Sounds like he’s an active boy who needs lots of movement breaks. There can be lots of sitting and listening to get used to when they start school.
Missing playtime won’t help as he needs that time to let off steam and regulate.

Things may have been more difficult with his usual teacher being off. It’s not good that they aren’t giving any positive feedback.

Sounds like he needs an individual reward system as the class one might not be enough.
After half term I’d ask for a meeting to agree some strategies to support him with behaviour incorporating his interests and movement breaks.
Agree how any incidents will be communicated to you.

Please don’t feel like you’ve failed him. He’s struggling in a new environment and getting used to rules and routines. You are looking for strategies and working with school.
Hope he settles in soon.

Thank you. I agree that this would be helpful. There’s an outdoor area but there’s ongoing renovation so the older children have been put into the primary one and two playground which is making us very crowded.

We’ve told him he will have a consequence on days he comes home with a note about any hitting, but that if he has a good week with no issues we will have a reward at the weekend like baking a cake together.

I really hope he settles soon. His teacher has said she hasn’t seen any aggression or malice from him, just that he gets overexcited or frustrated in the moment and reacts.

Thank you. I agree that this would be helpful. There’s an outdoor area but there’s ongoing renovation so the older children have been put into the primary one and two playground which is making us very crowded.

We’ve told him he will have a consequence on days he comes home with a note about any hitting, but that if he has a good week with no issues we will have a reward at the weekend like baking a cake together.

I really hope he settles soon. His teacher has said she hasn’t seen any aggression or malice from him, just that he gets overexcited or frustrated in the moment and reacts.

(sorry I’m new to mumsnet and don’t know how to reply lol)

I think attacked is a bit strong.

His normal teacher and the PSA have both told me he is not in any way aggressive or malicious. He’s not setting out to harm. He’s just reacting if he feels frustrated or overwhelmed with excitement.

The school don’t tell us which children have been involved, but I of course ask him to apologise to his teacher and to pass that apology on to his peers.

And no, he doesn’t see anything violent. He’s a kind and thoughtful boy at home. The only change is starting school. He says he sees lots of hitting in the playground.

Thanks for this. It’s such a hard change for everyone involved. I hope things settle for you and for us as well!

A good week with no issues is a long time at his age when he’s feeling overwhelmed. Also if he’s “blown it” by Tuesday you have nowhere to go and there’s no incentive.
Daily rewards work best at this age even if it’s a reward chart or earning extra time with a favoured activity.

You’re so right actually, good idea. Daily rewards then. He has also had lots of good days where we’ve heard nothing bad and he’s said he hadn’t been in trouble, so I suppose that’s good too. Rewards on those days!