Parents to older children

[SendHelpandSnacks]

I have a 2.5 year old and needless to say I am struggling with the relentlessness of it all. The obvious toddler behaviour of being defiant, saying NO to everything, the incessant talking, making everything a battle (eating dinner, getting dressed, getting into the car seat, etc) the constant regressions and of course the tantrums!
It just all feels a lot and never ending! I asked my husband yesterday if it's possible that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, because I'm so tired and drained every day. He said "no, we have a toddler" 😂

My son is currently going through a phase of screaming at us the minute he wakes in the mornings and after a nap! When I ask him later why he does it, he says "I don't know". It just feels insane! I always plan really nice things for him and he's very excited to do them but recently he's been kicking off as soon as he wakes from his nap, refusing to get dressed, trying to hit me, he even stood on the landing and peed on the carpet! And this was to get ready to go on the train (which he loves) and take him to the beach!
It just feels so unreasonable and it infuriates me that everything is such a battle.

I guess I'm hoping for some reassurance from parents to older children.
Will things be more enjoyable as they get older?
Can we organise nice plans and just go without it being an absolute battle to leave the house?
Can we be excited to do things without screaming fits and tantrums over absolutely nothing?
Will the whining ever stop?
Can we please just enjoy our time together without me trying to avoid a meltdown?
I know this is a lot to ask of a toddler and I wouldn't expect a toddler to be able to do all of the above - but this is why I'm asking about older children.
What's it like?

My husband and I are so excited to do things like one to one holidays with him, camping, fishing, lots of bonding time. But right now, at the age of 2.5, that feels very far way...

Many thanks for any support you can give🙏

The early years can be very challenging indeed. I started enjoying being a mum from around age 3 upwards. It’s really important to set firm and easily understood boundaries at this age, even if it means a tantrum or meltdown. If you feel that the tantrums are dominating and you’re struggling to handle it, then find a strategy that helps you to stay very calm, allow them to fizzle out and don’t give in.

Look up Toddler in the dictionary and you will find the word Unreasonable - honestly, it is the very definition of toddler! They are learning so fast, grasping to make sense of this mad world and it's mad rules, and funny grown ups seeming to get animated about the silliest of things (why not pee on the carpet? It seems like a logical place, doesn't it...?!)

Try to stop taking it personally. You have a tiny genius figuring out the world, live in front of you!

Things that can help

• getting regular breaks to reset your nervous system (a walk alone, a date with a friend, whatever works for you) - let the other parent/grandparents/nursery enjoy him for a while
• Routines, so everybody know how the patterns of the day go
• Spend at least 20 minutes a day in his world - just get down on the floor, no questions, no rules, do what you're told; really connect
• Look after your own needs as much as his; eat well, try to organise life so you can sleep or at least get catch up naps. Don't be a martyr.

Also, try @ BratBusters on instagram - super smart, kind, logical woman, all abut parenting and discipline by helping the child feel good.

x

It's relentless at that age, isn't it? I remember my first son used to be inconsolable on waking from a nap, it was awful at the time but it's just a memory now. It does get better, I promise. You've had some great advice from the two posters above, very wise words from both.

I have a 14 and 12 year old and love it. The problems they have aren’t as easily fixable but we have a great time. We hang out, we do stuff together, we have a laugh together. I found young childhood so tough to handle, something to endure at times, among the amazing bits. This new phase I am loving.

Am parent to three young adults and somehow survived the toddler years. It was tough but they’re delightful now.
Definitely recommend learning about/reminding yourself about why toddlers behave like they do developmentally. It helped me not to take it personally.
I really liked the How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen… book. It’s cheap and full of cartoon situations so easy to pick up in the middle of a tantrum.
Also remember it will all pass and they’ll get onto new ways to challenge you.

Thank you @Teenawilko , I'm glad to hear you enjoyed being a mum around 3 upwards, that gives me a bit of hope that things can improve 😂
Thankfully my husband and I are very strict and we never give in. We have firm boundaries and always stick to them, so I'm hoping this will pay off in the next couple of years...

and thank you @AutumnDuck for your helpful response.I really appreciate it.
BratBusters is my number 1 go to! I love her! Hence why I have very firm boundaries because she talks a lot about the importance of discipline in the first 3 years.
But obviously I'm still very much struggling with it all, haha

I've got to go clean the pissy carpet now 😂 Thanks again xx

Yes, in that sense, it does get easier and they do get more consistently enjoyable. Though my 13 year old is much more miserable now to get out of the house than she was at 2. 😂

It is not quite so relentless as when they were toddlers, but their needs are more complex as they get older. For example, it was a lot easier to work when they were little. Mine are now 8 and 13. It was easy for nursery staff to meet their basic needs without me back then. Now they definitely need me, actual me, around more than they did when they were little.

I also find the lack of time for Dh and I more of a challenge now. When they are babies and toddlers, they’re in bed and you have the whole evening together. Now, we are out collecting from sports practice at 9pm several nights a week and their bedtime is essentially our bedtime. I can’t even tell you the last time Dh and I sat in the lounge and watch tv alone in the evening. Like it was years ago. The parenting day stretches until you go to sleep now, even though I might have an hour here and there to myself when they disappear off somewhere in the house.

It’s less intense in some ways and more intense in others. That being said, get yourself checked if you don’t feel well. The only time I felt like I had chronic fatigue when mine were little I did in fact have a severe vitamin D deficiency. I felt so much better once I treated it. It wasn’t having a toddler. I genuinely was unwell.

This is exactly what I'm looking for! I just want to know that one day we'll hang out together and it will just be chilled. Not me trying to avoid the next meltdown.
I just want to enjoy parenthood. I'm always so envious of parents who love it, they love the baby years, the toddler years and I'm just like "how???"
Hopefully the older years will be more my cup of tea 🙏

Age 2-5 was utter hell for me. I hear you! I hated it so much I didn't have a second. But DS is now 8 and he's a dream. We turned down a babysitting opportunity the other day because we wanted to hang out with him and I realised how much has changed! When he was little I couldn't wait for time to myself but he's an absolute pleasure now.

Weekends and holidays are actually relaxing. We can reason with him. He can articulate how he feels. We have really interesting conversations. I don't remember the last time he raised his voice. It's great. Of course every kid is different, but hang on in there!

Oh @Honeypizza I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your response 🙏 This is everything I was hoping to hear, someone who remembers how tough the first years were and someone who has come through the other side and actually enjoys it now. That's made my day, thank you.
I can't wait for things to be a little more relaxing and enjoyable 😍

Yes it gets easier. My kids have SEND so transitions are still tricky. I’m not saying your child has SEND by any means, he is just a toddler behaving like a toddler but these things help our kids - offer drink and snack as soon as wake up and get to the toilet fairly quickly, now and next images, social stories and make count down, in 5 mins, in 1 min, last turn. Kids are very visual. Some kind of transition bridge is helpful too, that can be an item or activity which goes from pre getting ready to leaving the house eg finish your snack in the car or bringing cuddly toy to the park or taking a picture to Grandma’s house.

But yes they get much easier!