DD (12) reacts badly to being wrong or any kind of failure can I have some advice?

[FusionChefGeoff]

This Has been something I’ve noticed for the last year, but we had a moment this morning that’s made me want to get some advice on trying to be more proactive with her to help.

Despite me making a very conscious effort to make mistakes and tell her about when things have gone wrong for me, and generally being very “Oh well, never mind” when things do go wrong for her, she obviously finds it almost physically painful if she is wrong or if she can’t do something first time.

This morning she wanted to try plaits in her hair herself and It didn’t work first time. She then almost shut down was in a foul mood and said she wasn’t gonna have breakfast because she wasn’t hungry so I explained that sometimes we need fuel even if we’re not hungry (Knowing full well that she was starving, but that this was a reaction to the hair going wrong)

We nearly ended up in a horrible stand-off, but I just restated that she needed to eat breakfast before she went to school and left her to it. Eventually she came down scoffed a huge bowl of porridge and just about made it out in time for her lift.

Another minor incident is that she attends and loves a musical theatre group out of school but has declared that she hates dance in school. When I asked her why she admitted that it’s because “Everyone” Is more flexible than her and it makes her feel useless because she can’t touch her toes. So her reaction to not being able to do something as well as some of the almost professional level dancers in our school means that she hates it doesn’t want to do it anymore and instantly feels a huge hit to self-esteem.

How should I be approaching these situations in the future to help her know that failure is fine?
Failing is part of learning it’s okay to try and fail. In fact it’s better to try and fail the not try at all which is now her default position.

When talking about dance, I did explicitly say we all love you even if you can’t do something it really doesn’t matter but obviously that’s not enough. I need to somehow show her or communicate differently to help her be more confident to try at things she can’t do yet.

Sorry for the grammar and punctuation I am dictating!

There are some great growth mindset activities here. It talks about ND on the website but the activities are great for everyone.

Resources & Downloads https://share.google/NhbsWPAgGGShDRWQ2

Thanks so much I’ll have a look there. Her school followed ‘growth mindset’ stuff but it’s clearly not got deep enough yet.

So the thing with growth mindset in schools is it is often reduced down to the language. The actual theory and pedagogy is much more complex. You might want to read some of Carol Dweks work yourself. It is very accessible and will give you an idea of what you are aiming for.

Thank you - I do find child development / psychiatry absolutely fascinating so will enjoy that as well as hopefully helping her

Oh no the link doesn’t work for me I’ll have a Google for her instead

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

We get a lot of this with DD in particular. If she can't do something first time it's full on toddler tantrum.
What has helped is eventually (and we're talking years here) is helping her gradually to be less daunted by a subject. (For us it's maths, but we're seeing it transfer over to other areas). Now she's seen some success she's able to see how she tried harder and then it became easier with practice.