Daughter in Yr 1 struggling to make friends

[Zuglin]

I'm really hoping for some advice here... First time mum and my daughter is really struggling at school (she's currently in Year 1, will turn 6 in Dec), and from what she says, I am fairly certain it's because she's finding it hard to make friends. We ended up changing her school half way through reception, as she had some really physical children in her previous school/class that hit her and were being quite nasty, and she absolutely hated going into school. The second half of last year at her new school, things started improving, she was much happier going into school but her teacher told me she didn't really play with any of the other children, was happier taking herself off and doing arts/crafts. We did a few meetups but she didn't want to interact much, although I tried my best to encourage it.

I tried over the summer to arrange play dates with some of the children, but everyone was always doing things every time I asked, and then DD just said she didn't want to see any of them. At parties, DD kept to herself and didn't really interact with any of the other kids, despite my efforts to involve them.

She's gone back after the summer break and is getting increasingly upset at going into school, frequently has tummy ache/feels sick especially during lunch/break time, and is just generally quite anxious and upset. She broke down crying last week saying no-one likes her nor wants to play with her, and that everyone has a best friend except her.

I've spoken to the school who have said they are doing what they can to encourage friendships, putting her in small groups etc, but she just plays alongside them. I've tried arranging play dates the past 3 weekends even though she says she doesn't want to, but every time I get a no because they have plans.

I've arranged a little halloween party for a few of the girls which finally we got a yes to, so hopefully that'll help a bit.

She does have a good friend from her previous school who we still see once a week, and she's happy going to stage school, aerial circus class, dance etc.

Would just love some advice on how best to support her, are there any books/resources you'd recommend? Anyone who has been in a similar situation previously and what has helped?

Thank you.

We ended up changing her school half way through reception, as she had some really physical children in her previous school/class that hit her and were being quite nasty, and she absolutely hated going into school

so she has had a very rocky start to her schooling?

Weekends aren’t great for play dates
after school all the way

Assuming they have a parent who doesn’t work and is able to take them…

Have you thought she might be neurodiverse? The playing alongside children rather than playing with them would indicate this, though not necessarily. But by the way you describe it, your daughter takes herself off which means she would rather not play with the others, but she understands the societal norm is to have friends and that's what's upsetting her? Are there any other behaviours which are a little different?

Erm, this is impossible for many parents

I think your'e doing everything. Parties are overwhelming and not somewhere to make new friends if shy. School can help, they sometimes have special groups for kids who struggle with social skills. Just keep reaching out to parents to arrange park trips etc. Or head to local park after school and often there's kids there she might know. Lots of books about how to make friends, from a kids point of view. They've not long been back at school and she's young so give her time. I think at that age they can have lots of friends and not a best friend and that is fine as long as she has someone to play with at breaktime. What does she do at playtime?

Bless her heart! I don’t have any advice for you. All I can tell you is one of my sons was like this, he always struggled to make friends but eventually found that one really good friend. I feel for you OP because you are only ever as happy as your saddest child.

Personally, I think the “ best friend” thing is given too much importance…. Better to have lots of people you get on with than one special friend, that way, if there is any falling out, you have others to fall back on. “Best friends” are usually because the parents are friends and they are forced together and actually don’t necessarily like each other! I’ve seen this a lot ! ( working in primary school). Good friends happen naturally and not when enforced.

Weekends are generally family time, meeting up with family friends, parties and activities though, weekend play dates at this age are difficult and just don’t work for lots of families. We do do weekend play dates but only really my DCs friends where we’re friends with the parents too so it’s more of a family occasion. Other play dates with school friends are always after school.

I have a 6 year old dd, one thing that has helped her make friends in school was finding out what activities other children from her class are doing and putting her in those. It means a smaller group to get to know and then they have things in common, practice in the playground and get to spend time together at events. It’s really helped me get to know the other parents too to be able to arrange things.

Children at this age tend to play with whoever is around anyway even if they do have a bf.

Yes. The local precursor to brownies is good for this as you don't have to be particularly good at anything. Its called Pippins in New Zealand but think it has different names around the world.
The other thing is swimming club if she enjoys swimming. It's more individual than a lot of other sports but she will still get some social interaction. Or athletics. Team sports such as football would probably be too overwhelming for her.
I would get her checked for autism as girl style autism presents this way.
She could also just be a bit of an introvert. Don't panic too much. Many children start this way but eventually find their feet socially and her rough start at the other school wouldn't have helped.

I agree about finding out a club that other children attend. Does she ever make friends if you took her to a park or play centre? Or does she struggle to make friends usually? Taking her out of her first school is unusual so quick in the first year. Were the children really unkind or looking back do you think part of that was her struggling with the other children?

I found role play was kind of useful with my DD. We'd practice different scenarios, asking to join in with other children or what to do if someone is being mean, and also how she could feel happier even if she wasn't joining in with others (eg taking a book to read if allowed). Other than that I think keep doing what you are doing and stay in touch with the teacher.

I would definitely see if there’s a local Rainbows group which is the precursor to Brownies- some of her schoolmates may already be there and if not it will provide an additional source of possible friendships

I would also say that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of parental relationships here. Most infant friendships outside the classroom seem to be based upon parents being friends with each other either from nursery days, as neighbours etc. From my experience children at this age are often forced into friendships with children where the mothers get on and it’s only as they get older that they make their own choices

Yes, there were two children in particular in her class of 11 kids, who seemed to make a beeline for her and hit her quite a lot. She was petrified of them.

Someone else mentioned it to me. She doesn't strike me as neurodiverse, but we have contacted a psychologist to try and get a professional opinion. She has a good friend from her previous school, and friends from outside of school. It's just something about the children in her year she seems to struggle with.

Thank you. The teachers tell me she occasionally plays with other children, but most often takes herself off and plays by herself. DD tells me she asks other kids to play but is told no.

Don’t put too much pressure on her. She’s had an unsettled start to school already. Let her get there in her own time.