Aunt wants to take DD abroad without me

[rMeadow]

My sister has offered to take my DD9 to Spain for 4 nights in half term and I said yes initially but now I’m wondering if I’ve been a bit stupid tbh. DD absolutely adores my sister and has stayed at hers loads of times, so its not like she’s never been away from us.

Its her new husband I’m not sure about. They only got married earlier this year and I’ve met him twice. He’s perfectly nice and I’ve got no reason to think otherwise, I just don’t know him. My sister said obviously he would be coming as its their holiday and thats when I started feeling a bit weird about DD being in another country with someone I barely know.

DD knows about it and is desperate to go. She’s been going on about the pool and getting on the plane for about a week 😂. My partner thinks I’m being ridiculous and says if I trust my sister then I should trust her judgement. He’d let her go without thinking twice.

My sister is my half sister and she’s much older than me, she’s 44 and I’m 31. She actually looked after me quite a lot when we were kids because our mum wasn’t always around. So I do trust her probably more than anyone else in the family. This is why I feel stupid even writing this. She’s always been brilliant with my children.

I did ask if I could come as well and pay my own way but she got annoyed and said that defeats the whole point and that DD needs to have things that aren’t supervised by me all the time. She said I’m making her husband into some sort of stranger when DD has met him and likes him.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong and I’m not accusing either of them of anything. I just keep thinking 4 nights is a long time for a 9 year old to be abroad without either parent when one of the adults is basically a stranger to me. Am I being completely unreasonable or would you have reservations too?

The entire issue here appears to be your hunch about her husband.

go with your gut

If it was just the two of them would you feel differently?

DD needs to have things that aren’t supervised by me all the time

Well that’s not her call, or really anything to do with her. And whilst I think it’s generally true, I wouldn’t say that it must stretch to 4 nights away abroad. To be honest, I would be unhappy with anyone who pushed to have my child alone by suggesting I was being overprotective if I didn’t allow it.

I would say though that if you have concerns about your DD being around someone you don’t know, why doesn’t that extend to the times your DD stays at your sister’s house? If your DD has stayed round loads, how can you have only met her husband twice?

But ultimately, no I don’t think any parent would be unreasonable to not want their child going away with someone they barely know.

No and I’d be pissed off about her telling me my child needs to do things without me.
but you said yes initially so it’s going to be awkward either way now

I thought you were over reacting but some thing about her not wanting you to go feels very off. I agree, you should trust your instincts.

My sister is my half sister and she’s much older than me, she’s 44 and I’m 31. She actually looked after me quite a lot when we were kids because our mum wasn’t always around. So I do trust her probably more than anyone else in the family.

You were both children then, and you are both of you adults now. Your opinion on what’s right for your own daughter counts more than your sister’s, even if she did look after you when you were little. This paragraph makes me think your sister is used to over-stepping and you’re used to being over-stepped. Why does your daughter stay over so often? Its probably a good time to break the dynamic, your daughter is getting older and seeking independence gradually and your sister has shown she isn’t considerate of your wishes, she gets defensive and accuses you.

Yes, your daughter will need to do things without your supervision. That doesn’t mean going away from her mum for four days with her aunt and her new husband. It means things like school trips with her friends, Scouts or Guides or a sports teams. Things with kids her age and robust safeguarding and processes, where you, her parent, are comfortable asking questions and expressing your needs and concerns. You don’t have this with your sister.

Separately, no, no way would my kids be going in this scenario. Too young, and I wouldn’t let them go away with someone unless I, the parent, personally knew both the adults and considered them both close friends. This means we’d spent lots of time together as families already, sharing childcare and meals and so on. It doesn’t sound like you have this with your sister’s family unit.

There's no way I'd let mine go on holiday with someone that I'd only met twice. He's a stranger to you, even though he's her DH. Is there a reason why you've not spent much time with them?

I would say that you're not comfortable and feel you need to get to know him better before agreeing to anything like this.

No. I wouldn’t like this either. And if you’ve met him twice he pretty much is a stranger. Her defensiveness and thinking she can tell you what your own child needs would make me adamant it’s not happening.

My dsis has taken my dd away on holiday, but as a playmate to her own dd. I think it’s a bit weird to want to take a child who is not yours on holiday when you don’t have kids. Do they not want adult only time? If you don’t get a good feeling about the husband then just say no.

So dsis wants you to be ok with your 9yo sharing accommodation with a virtual strange man ?
Absolutely not happening imo..

I would be ok with my sister taking my daughter with her in this scenario (assuming my daughter also wanted to go).

Edited to add that I can't tell if your sister is overstepping with her comment. It depends on your relationship with her and how much you have given her this space, and on how she said it.

What are the sleeping arrangements? Are they in one hotel room? Even if not I find this very weird. I would not let my DD go.

If it was just my sister and DD I don’t think I’d be bothered tbh. I wouldn’t love it because 4 nights feels like a long time but I know my sister and DD are very close and she’s stayed with her before.

The sleeping arrangements are actually separate rooms. My sister booked a family room with a double and a sofa bed and DD would sleep on the sofa bed. Her husband is in the double. I did ask this because that was one of the things I was worrying about.

I know what you mean about me saying I trust my sister but not him. I think its because when DD stays at hers he isn’t always there, and a lot of the time she’s stayed when he’s been working. I’ve only realised now how little I’ve actually seen him.

And yes I did think the comment about DD needing things not supervised by me was a bit much. She said it quite matter of factly and I think thats what got under my skin more than anything. I don’t want to stop DD doing things because I’m anxious, but I also don’t think my sister gets to decide where my line is.

He’s a stranger to you, he’s also a stranger oddly keen on taking away a child he hardly knows. I wouldn’t agree to this. My kids have been away with grandparents, Aunts and uncles but all ppl who were known to me.

It makes no sense that he’d want to spend his holiday with unrelated small child.

I’d say no, and I’m usually relaxed about sleepovers etc, but in this case the motivation just makes no sense

A family room is still one big room albeit a sofabed, she would only have privacy in the bathroom. Why would a new husband want this arrangement on a holiday with wife. Too weird.

Presumably dd would seek out your dsis during the night if she felt the need ?
With a potential naked strange nan next to her ?
No thanks.

And presumably dsis and her bf won't be playing eye spy in that very nearby room ?