What do I do?

[TikkaJam]

6.5 year old cries and cries until he gets whatever my youngest has. Youngest gets so fed up that he gives in. I have schooled the youngest on not having to give up what he has because somebody is crying, it’s his stuff and he shouldn’t have to. Problem is, my oldest can cry for up to 2 hours until the play changes. It’s very challenging, as soon as he gets whatever it is, he stops. I tell him once, you can’t have it, your brother is playing with it and when he is finished you can have a go. He then proceed to demand when that is, we’ve tried timers, doesn’t work, he will then just refuse to give it back and it causes a huge thing. So I stick to my guns but then his little brother gives in. So now everybody has been subject to screaming and tears for 25 minutes and now he’s happy as Larry as my youngest has given in. If I intervene, youngest starts advocating for oldest. What do I do? I’m just stumped

As soon as he starts making a big drama, crying for effect, I'd say he is obviously very tired and must go to bed.

I hate that sort of selfish performative bullying, which is what it is. I'd even take him for a drive just to get him away from what he wants.

Leave your dh and younger child happily playing with the toy.

You need to stick to it. He can ask for a turn, and when the little one is done he has his turn. But if he kicks off his turn is cancelled regardless and of the little one gives it up you put it away until tomorrow.

At 6, unless any SEN he’s more than capable of waiting a turn and at this point it’s just bullying behaviour on his you get sibling. For me I would not Kat him continue in the same space as his brother / the toy. It’s absolutely not fair and will ruin his play time. I never had that issue with either of mine but my older nephew was a bit like this at 4/5 and he would be sent to his room with his tonie box until he had calmed down and was willing to share. He absolutely hated missing out so it stopped quickly

He could scream in his room, there is no way I would put up with that.

Remove him from the room. Don't give him the toy (or whatever it is) even if your youngest gives in. You're the adult and you're in charge.

Yep, no time for that nonsense. If he starts off, one warning to pack it in, if ignored then physically move him to another room and walk away.

He is ASD, not that it’s an excuse! They share a room so if I move him to another room, he will just come back to his room. But the advice about removing the toy regardless of little brother giving it up, if he kicks off is great. I am tired and hadn’t thought of that… I am never sure whether it’s SEN or misbehaviour because he’s extremely relentless, but seems very distressed and trouble. However, when it stops as soon as he receives whatever he’s fussing about, I guess that tells me it’s just misbehaviour? Diagnosis is new and a bit unexpected so very new to me

Boundries. Autism or not. Boundries.

Autism meltdowns, that need to be handled differently, come on from overwhelm and nothing will soothe them. They aren’t triggered or resolved by some objective, like getting a toy. What you are dealing with is a tantrum. The rigidity that sometimes comes with autism can mean they can really dig their heals in to try to control the situation. My eldest is also autistic and used to do this with our youngest. We had a policy that no matter how much she screamed, she wouldn’t get what she wanted, even if the youngest wanted to relent.

We had to divide and conquer, which usually meant taking the youngest and the wanted toy somewhere else as it was easier to remove them than the older one. Sometimes this meant taking the youngest out of the house. It requires a lot of patience and consistency, but our eldest eventually learned that tantruming would not get her what she wanted. Every now and then she tries it on again to no avail.

Remove you and the youngest then. With the toy. The above post about the difference between meltdowns and tantrums is spot on.