Autistic 4 year old fighting at school

[newname98765]

Please no judgement, I’m looking for guidance on the best way to deal with this.

My child has just started reception & is on the autism pathway. He struggles with interpersonal relationships with other children his age. His communication skills are a bit behind and I suspect some of the lashing outcomes from his inability to express himself. But he is quick to lash out and doesn’t think about or comprehend the consequences of his actions towards other children. He’s also very oblivious of other children. When we see his classmates out and about, they may wave and say his name but he doesn’t acknowledge them.

Today he has come home covered in scratches after a fight at school. The teacher has struggled to get to the bottom of what happened, but said there were three on one and she said he was extremely distressed afterwards. The teacher suspects it was 50-50. I wouldn’t be surprised if my child started it and it escalated, but I don’t know that.

I have tried talking to him this evening about it, but he struggles to talk about difficult subjects. However, I have talked about gentle hands and getting the teacher if something like this happens again, but he has said that he wants to hit the 3 little boys and that he wants to use ‘bash hands’ rather than gentle hands.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m considering paying for private speech therapy in case that helps. Any other ideas or guidance would be gratefully received!

He needs closer supervision in school, if being particularly physical.

Can you tell the school how your discussion with DS went? And ask if they can talk to him to reinforce what he should do when upset and rules about not hurting each other.

Your son sounds similar to my youngest son, who's also 4. He was quite delayed verbally, but is very chatty now. His enunciation is still very poor. He also tends to blank other children when outside the home and goes non-verbal when upset or in trouble (or has a complete meltdown).

We did have his hearing checked a couple of years ago and they said it was fine, but I still think he's not hearing properly and maybe he's got glue ear.

He's also not shy about making threats to bash his brother or his parents.

I'm not sure what the solution is. I enforce consistent boundaries and make it clear that I don't like violent imaginative play/games because I'm worried that it might become normalised in his mind.

He's only 4, so hopefully he'll just grow out of it.

Has he had a hearing test @newname98765? As a PP says, Glue Ear can be a contributing factor.

Does he have an ECHP too?

Thanks for the replies.

No EHCP yet but this is only his second week of full time school. School are aware that his is most likely autistic and they are treating him as a child with SEND (for example we have had extra setting & have a home-school link book).

He hasn’t had a hearing test but I will look into that thanks!

I don’t think speech therapy is the thing that you need to do in response to this.

He should not be in a position where behaviour has escalated to the point of a 3 to 1 fight between 4 year olds. You need a plan with the school about how they are going to better manage his behaviour and better supervise him and others to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

He shouldn’t be in a position to use bash hands against other children whether he wants to or not.

I’m sorry OP it must have been scary for him.

Following. My son is diagnosed autistic and just started reception too. He has hit others at school. He knows it’s wrong and when he’s regulated he feels ashamed and sorry. But he’s quick to anger and in the heat of the moment he is impulsive. Im dreading school pick ups

I think a hearing test is a good shout. You can ask the the School SENCO to do the referral or you can ring your local School Nurse service.

I think in your situation it’s worth applying for an EHC Needs Assessment. You don’t have wait for the School to do this and you don’t have to wait for a diagnosis as it’s based on need rather than diagnosis

If you're considering going private, I'd get a full speech and language assessment first. Then autism assessment.

Sounds like a ‘natural consequences’ type thing to me. I feel for you, but the other kids are entitled to defend themselves and this may be an effective learning experience.

Also I have a little boy (nearly 4) who isn’t ASD but has had his moment and any waffle about ‘gentle hands’ falls on deaf ears. I go in for a sharp NO HITTING OR THEY WILL HIT YOU BACK AND SANTA WILL BE CROSS. He’s much improved

How are things going this week @newname98765?

How is your ds being supported during the school day?

Thats so horrible 😞

Thanks for checking in, I’m feeling a lot more positive this week. They checked the CCTV and it wasn’t so much a fight as a game that got a bit too rowdy. Some children were throwing large foam shapes into a place space and other others were throwing them back out. These shapes had slightly sharp edges and my child was hit in the face which is what they think caused the scratches on his face, and then I think it turned into a little bit of a tussle.

His teachers & after school club have all said that he has settled in really well and he has had lots of positive feedback. And we have bumped into kids from his class outside of school a few times this week & they all called his name and waved (unfortunately, he doesn’t have a clue who most of them are 🙈) but that gives me hope. And he still seems to enjoy going into school.

We have a SEND parents evening later this month so I’m going to catch up with the teacher about speech therapy / EHCP etc then. I also need to speak to the GP because there has been a problem with his right to choose referral so I will ask about a hearing test then too just in case.

Thanks again all!

Thanks for asking. He gets an additional morning and afternoon break which gives him some quiet time and a chance to regulate. We have a link book (which is like a daily report book) and that says that the extra breaks are working really well. It’s a fairly big class so we don’t get much time to talk at drop-off or pick up, so the book is really helpful!

Absolutely this. I started with a view to gentle parent my now 11 year old who is autistic and has adhd and it did not work. He couldn't understand nuance. I have to be direct and firm. Sometimes I have to shout so he understands it's serious too.

Is it? He now doesn’t hit people, is looking forward to ‘meeting Santa’s reindeer’ at a local farm on account of being a good boy, and is being invited to birthday parties.

Should I have left him to hit people, end up on a path to school problems and friendlessness ‘but at least mummy never raised her voice’?

Agree. It’s unfair to leave them confused with waffle about gentle hands. They need to clearly understand the position.

Sounds like my DH!

Gentle hands is no good, it’s a firm no hitting and a consequence that he will understand eg no swimming/no tv/no park whatever matters to him. Consequences must be followed through. No ambiguity, actions have consequences

But his behaviour wasn't due to being naughty.
I have 2 very challenging boys and learnt very quickly they needed clear and precise instructions on how to behave, kind hands type of stuff never worked.

I have never lied to them.
Ultimately finding the cause of a behaviour was (still is) my priority. Shouting definitely doesn't work!

Do they use visuals? Timetables, now and next boards, that type of thing?

Did he manage ok at nursery?
Did they suggest an EHCNA?