Five year old lashing out physically when upset, need parenting advice

[Gbam50]

My 5 year old son has always had big emotions and it's something we are always working on. But when he's angry or sad he lashes out at me hitting, kicking, biting and recently slapping me. I have followed all the guidance I've read online but I feel like about to break because of it. Please help me, I just don't know what to do anymore.

What advice are you following online? I've had 5 boys (all grown men now) and I'll tell you what I did - very firmly say 'no hitting' and remove him to another room. Every single time. When he's calmed down you say 'we don't hit/kick/slap/ hurt each other and I want you to say sorry to mummy'. Then move on with your day.

This needs to be consistent and you need to stay calm, firm and unflappable. You're showing him that you're in control and that you won't accept his behaviour. You can do it and you need to nip it in the bud now, while he's small.

I make sure to say "no hitting" and if I'm at home I take him to his room and wait for him to calm down. Often he just starts kicking off more. Or worse he laughs at me if I tell him no in a firm voice. Today he did it when I picked him up from school, in the playground. I was totally shocked and embarrassed but I made him sit down and calm down.
The last few meltdowns hes had I get down to his level to speak to him calmly and he responds with hitting me in the face.
It's just me and him. He sees his dad and his dad will tell him not to hit me but I'm not getting any support.

If you're at home, put him in his room and walk away - go in the kitchen, look busy, ignore him. Don't give it attention and just wait until he's calmed down. If he kicks off more, doesn't matter, just put him back in his room and walk away. This is a new way of dealing with it and it will not change his behaviour overnight. But you are signalling to him that you are in control and you will not engage with tantrums.

If it happens outside the home, your best bet is to say 'if you can't behave yourself, we will have to go home' and then get him home as quickly as possible. Don't worry about other people looking or being embarrassed - it doesn't matter and you are teaching your son how to behave acceptably so you are being a good mother! It's easy to feel others are judging you but in reality we have all been there and dealt with tantrums so most parents understand (except possibly the smug few who's children never misbehaved!) I once dragged my howling 4 year old home from the park for running off - I was 7 months pregnant, sweaty and knackered but it had to be done!

The most important thing is to stay calm and in control, and be consistent. Even if it means putting him back in his room 50 times, it's a battle you have to win.

I also struggle with the OPs problem and i always try and implement this but my boy is 5 and big, I physically cannot carry him to his room when he's hitting and kicking out. He certainly isn't going to stay there and will follow me and continue lashing out. It doesn't happen often but when it does I find it so hard to deal with.
I see this advice a lot and it makes complete sense, in fact it worked very well when he was smaller but I can't get it to work now because he's too big. I'm interested to know if you had this issue at all with your 5 boys?

I have this problem with my DS too, it's not as bad now, but still happens sometimes. He really struggles to control his anger. Like a PP said, my son is too big and heavy to drag through to his room, and he would just come straight back out. But I've found if he's hitting me, I go and lock myself in the bathroom and say to him that if he cant control his hands, then I'm going to stay locked away until he stops so I can keep myself safe. He usually hates it when I lock myself in the bathroom and quickly apologises.

You have my sympathy though OP. Its tough!

HRTFT but I'm the mum of two adult DS, both diagnosed with ADHD before aged ten. I had strict boundaries. I chose my battles, but was always consistent and followed through.
If you cant solve this issue yourself then you must seek outside help, imagine him at fifteen and then as a partner. Hitting can never be allowed to go unchecked.

Recognising common triggers for him can help intercept when his emotions are starting to get heightened and hopefully help distract/remove him before he gets to the hitting stage. It's so hard though because you also don't want to pander to it and sometimes the thing they disagree with is a non-negotiable (e.g. seatbelt).

With youngest DS I say a loud "Ow" and leave the room or keep myself out of hitting distance as far as possible, I wouldn't try and move him unless he was being totally unsafe e.g. near a road. Once he'd got to the hitting/throwing stage there was no point talking to him until he'd calmed down, it just wound him up more tbh. I have done the locking myself in the bathroom like @donttellmewhaticantdo , it does work on my DS.

There's a book called "The Explosive Child" which I found quite useful.

Have you looked into PDA autism?
my child was very violent until we got why. It’s still not easy but they don’t respond the same way as regular kids to authority. Check out Howard glasser transforming the intense child. Helped a lot

My 4 nearly 5 year old does this sometimes still. We stay calm whilst he does it and say ‘it’s ok to be angry, it’s not ok to hit’ and we send him to time out in the corner by the door. He has to then come back out when he’s ready to be calm, explain what he did wrong and then we cuddle and move on. I don’t think there’s a quick fix for this, it’s just consistency. It took a while for him to understand what time out was. Now we’re at the point where he will go to hit but then stop himself. I also recommend the ‘I do not hit’ book if he likes reading

We ended up at an OT with my daughter because of her behaviour and her eating, and what I took from it was how much of her "behaviour" was really coming from her body. It changed how I handle her meltdowns, so here's what worked for us in case any of it helps.
You said he hits your face when you try to talk it through calmly. I used to do the same thing with my daughter (5y old), trying to reason with her mid-meltdown, and it always made it worse. At that point words are just more input. Now the talking waits until she's properly calm, sometimes an hour later.
In the moment I say very little ("I'm here"), give her space, and offer something physical to push against. Pushing the wall with all her strength, or wrapping up tight in a heavy blanket. I offer it and never force it. Heavy pressure settles her faster than anything I could say. With him hitting, I'd add stepping back out of reach and "I won't let you hit me".
Also look at when it happens. You mentioned school pickup. A lot of kids hold it together all day and fall apart the minute they see the person they feel safest with. A snack and a run around straight after pickup, before any questions about his day, can take the edge off.
You're doing this on your own, which makes all of it so much harder. If it carries on, ask the school SENCO or your GP about an OT assessment. It gets you a plan that fits him specifically.