I need some advice on my situation and whether I'm loosing my mind here.
My ex and I were together for 9 years, have 2 DS (4 and 6) together. We loved each other (much of the time), but had a very turbulent relationship. My ex had a large company, company debt, his dad died, his mom is not reliable. I went through my mothers severe illness, a large exam, 2 traumatic births, disease. Our youngest is born with a disability which has meant several very large surgeries and alot of stress.
My ex was/is a good and somewhat invested dad, but a responsibility avoider and never quite understood what a good partnership and parentship entailed. He comes from a broken family, and unfortunately lets himself influence alot by his mates - which are immature, and let's their wives manage the majority of parenting. His mates are basically on the "You're a great dad! You're doing way more than any of us. You deserve a break from that/them/her" road. And that rubs off, and has caused alot of problems in our relationship.
When we broke up in january my ex basically left the house and all the responsibility to me. He disappeared for a month, lived at a mates place, and when he showed up he had rented an apartment and moved. He would pop by quite often, and also took care of the kids, but only when it suited him. When it didn't, he would feel bad or any kind of responsibility. I think he simply didn't understand or care. When we broke up I had just started as self employed, and life was brutal for me for 7 months. Our oldest also started school.
7 months after I had stabilized everything. And had a complete break down. I had to see my GP with severe cognitive dysfunction, dark thoughts, panic attacks etc., and was immidiately referred to concelling. Both DS moved over to their dads place, and he had to take over ALL responsibility. School, daycare, appointments, everything. I'm much much better now and am recovering.
Now the question:
Although being better, I realize how I could get so far out. Having to hand over the full load of parenting to my ex made it visible that he has been taking the minimal amount of responsibility and care of his own children for years. He is struggling with taking care of the boys AND running his own company at the same time. He basically looks worn out and haggered - like I have for years.
Although I'm getting better, and probably could take alot of the responsibility back, I'm considering not to. And let him carry almost the full load, even if I´m able to offload him if I wanted. I do want to make sure that the boys are with me 30% of the time, but I just want to be the fun mum for a while, free of school runs, lunch box packing, docters appointments and all of the mental load. And I honestly want him to feel the full burden of what I also had to carry for years and years.
I would have to lie to my ex though. If I said "I have been carrying the load for years, and now it's your turn" he would make everything very difficult, as he would feel that I was punishing him. Right now I actually feel that he cares more about my wellbeing and is nicer than for a long time, perhaps because he realises that he wouldl have to continue like this if my health don't improve. But I would have to tell him that my capacity still is so low that I simply can't manage much, although it's a lie.
Am I being cruel? Selfish? Is it out of line to on purpose not off load my ex and make him realise what being a parent really means?
And what about my sons? They have been though so much instability this year, but are doing well. Of course I want them to stay with me way more. And in say 6-8 months I've to have them living with me 70% of the time again. But if the arrangement stayed as it is now, some of the instability would continue due to my ex's overload, tiredness etc. When they are with him they dont have any playdates, school runs are chaotic, but otherwise they are safe and good. But they would thrive more living with me.
Am I way out of line?