Curfews and evening outings with teens!

[Sunnydays60]

If your newly(ish) turned 16 year old asked to go out for an evening event with a friend and told you they'd arranged a lift home with the friend's parent (whom you've known for years) would you expect that to happen?

Would you be surprised to find, although your child had text to tell you they would be home within the hour, that, when they didn't show up (sending a text around the hour mark saying they'd be "late", had gone to the friend's house, and would use their key to get in), it was because the parent giving a lift, after a last minute request from the kids, had driven them back towards home but continued further past us and dropped both kids off, late at night on the street by a park and takeaway 15 minutes walk away from either house, with seemingly no further plans as to what would happen next and no questioning as to whether it had been agreed with us?
So as not to drip feed - when we spoke to the parent (after not being able to get hold of our child), they couldn't tell us anything other than the kids had been dropped of "near the park". They did drop off at ours not too long after, just after 11 - again at the request of the kids. This was after we'd managed to get hold of ours again and suggested we pick up, but were told no, they were coming home with their friend.

I guess what I'm asking is, is this the norm to just drop kids of this age off late at night randomly when they ask and not want to know the details of plans? I know how I would have dealt with it but I'm curious as to how others see situations like this. The initial deception about the location (which seems to suggest our child knew it wasn't reasonable nor something we would agree to to be honest) is one issue to deal with but I'd like to be able to adjust my expectations and change the way we plan things accordingly depending on how most people would view the rest of this situation regarding drop offs/ information on whereabouts. It's our first time dealing with this sort of thing (they spend their time between two houses and aren't with us often) and going off the reactions, I feel like my expectations might be unrealistic for the age and added complications of mobile technology! Thanks!

Actually, as an extra - when do you expect your 16 year old home on a non school night when not at a planned location/event/activity and do you expect them to find their way home unaccompanied at this time or would you want them to be with someone and be able to tell you the plan for that? Thanks again!

I‘m slightly confused by this - apologies! So - you thought your teen was being dropped off by friend’s parents. Teens asked to be dropped off by a takeaway (presumably to get some food?) and then yours was dropped home by the other parents when you phoned to find out where he/she was?

I wouldn’t be outraged at this - especially if it is someone you know reasonably well. If I’m giving a lift to other teens, I’d assume that they themselves had “okayed” everything themselves with their own parents and wouldn’t think to query it at that age (assuming sixth form?). So - the other parents wouldn’t know what time your child said s/he’d be back or what you’d been told was happening. And if they were okay with it for their child, they probably ly wouldn’t think to ask your child “will that be okay with your mum?”.

I can see why you’re a bit worried about it - but I think I’d chalk it up to experience and lay down some firmer/more explicit ground rules for your own teen (eg come straight home or ask if you’re going somewhere else - that sort of thing). I don’t really think you can hold the other parents accountable at this sort of age.

The other point I would make is that (at least in my experience - and I have two of a similar sort of age), there is a huge disparity in what kids’ parents think is acceptable. I’ve been aghast at what I see as complete lack of parental oversight - but, equally, I’m pretty sure that people will have thought that about me on occasion where I’m more relaxed about certain things. It’s a bit of a minefield, really…..

How late was it? If they were back by 11pm despite the takeaway detour and new lift, it can't have been that late initially?

As long as I knew where they were and got a text from my 16 year old to say they would be a bit later as they were getting a takeaway and they then got a lift home. I can't see a problem?

Just to clarify, I only mentioned the takeaway to describe the area they were dropped (ire not a completely remote park). They were not visiting the takeaway and our child had told us they were at someone's house and only revealed the truth when we asked them to come home as arranged. I think they actually wanted to meet some other friends, so we didn't know exactly where they were.

I take the point that it was our child's responsibility to not lie to everyone and you'd logically assume, as the other parent, that everyone was informed (I'd probably have dropped a text anyway in that position as if anything had happened, I would feel responsible, but will also take the point that most wouldn't and it's deemed unnecessary).

No one, kids or parent, could give us an end time. Ours only came back for 11 because we put our foot down at that point after we learned they'd lied about where they were and were being vague about how much longer they'd be (this time had also been backed up by their other parent by then). If we hadn't questioned it all, I guess they could've been walking around til a lot later when we thought they were at their friend's house. This presumably was fine by the other parent and is why I was asking if others had curfews and ideas of whether their child should be alone at that time of night (if they'd have walked home alone afterwards for example). I'd still be interested to know if, by 16, most people just accept that their kids will show up when they show up or if anyone actually has a set time to be home by (I'm guessing not)?

I suppose I was also surprised that people are happy to just wait around all night for a call and are happy to go in and out to do multiple ad hoc taxi runs without an idea of timings.

Anyway, this is all helpful - its good to know how others see things as it's hard living up to another family's standards when the goal posts change all the time as to what is deemed reasonable and unreasonable in terms of the shared child.. I think we'll definitely change the way we arrange things in the future if things are going to end late at night, so thanks all!

Ah - okay. So you thought your child was out with a friend and was coming straight home (with a lift from the friend’s parents). They actually decided to go and hang around”out and about” to meet some other friends and the friend’s parent just dropped them off there rather than bringing your child home?

That does sound a bit more “off” to me - and I wouldn’t be happy with my teen doing that (getting a pizza is one thing, aimlessly “hanging out” is another, especially late at night). But the onus was still on your child to check in with you. Maybe worth setting out expectations and what’s okay in terms of changing plans etc? That said - lesson learned and you’ll be much less relaxed with this particular parent next time. Sounds like no harm done, though, thankfully.

It really depends on the teen. I’m happy for mine to have more freedom as they get older, but I still want to know where they are and what time they’re likely to be home. If plans change, they just text me so I know what’s going on. I use Xnspy too, mainly because they don’t always remember to reply when they’re out. I’m not sat there checking it all the time.
As for curfews, I think you have to find a time that works for your own teen and the situation. If they’re sensible and keep in touch, I’d be more relaxed about letting them stay out a bit later. But if they’ve got an early start the next day or I don’t know where they are, then I’d expect them home at the agreed time. The important thing for me is that they know what I expect and why.

OP, I think 16 is past the point of the collecting parent sending you a text to check it was okay to take your teen to another friend's house. Your teen needs to know when you expect them home and to act accordingly but this isn't the responsibility of the driver, in my opinion or experience.

We are on teen 3 now and we had expectations about return times and would want to broadly know where they are and what they were doing. I think if you have loads of rules and every movement has to be rubber stamped by a parent, you'll get lies. No teen wants to respond to an invitation to a better party with ringing a parent to ask.

We also take the view that we want them home safely so try to temper our irritation at last minute teen plans/lateness and it generally has worked out okay.

What is your teen's view on this situation? I think a very calm conversation on how you all think k these arrangements should go is always worth it. We try not to say no to teen plans but we might be less keen on hanging out on street corners/parks after dark, if I am honest, but we would try to understand the appeal and compromise where possible. If one of ours is doing something inherently unsafe, I'd rather know about it, and lots of rules seems to lead to deceit rather than compliance. I remember being a teenager myself all too well...

I meant I'd send a text as a heads up/FYI, not a request that required a response. It would just put my mind at rest but clearly I'm the odd one out there which is fine. I'd still send the text, even if I know now that no one else would.

I think a few now have said that they'd expect to know where their kids are and roughly when they'd be back. I think that matches our situation. After the plan changed, we extended the time (although indefinitely as requested) and since they couldn't tell us how they were getting home we asked them to sort that out and let us know. From their point of view we should've just gone to bed and let them wander and come in with their own key "whenever" and that didn't really work for us. They were out all evening in another town until that point doing what they wanted, where they wanted and without running anything past us. Our objection was to being deliberately told, at the end of the night, that they were somewhere when they weren't and that they didn't know when they'd be back which we found an odd move. Either way, it's not like there was some big fall out. Everyone was relatively calm and expectations have been reaffirmed. I was just wondering how others see it (especially since the other household has expectations). I guess we'll see how it pans out moving forwards.