Gambling / separation issue / money

[Chase909]

I have recently separated from my ex due to
his gambling we did get back for a period but then he started gambling again. The trust is gone now. he said if I loved him I would stay but I said I can’t then he started telling me he wanted to leave me away but stayed for the kids.

We have a joint mortgage which he is paying half for currently as you can imagine there’s numerous other bills when running house and food shopping etc. There is also one other significant bill which I have been paid for around 3 years completely on my own which is nursery fees. During our relationship he paid other bills but said he couldn’t afford to pay nursery fees so I paid them. Now we have separated my finances have significantly changed there is one wage coming into the house. I have asked him can you please financially contribute he avoids the question and there has been little clarity he did pay his part of the bills this month but he has cut off sky/ wifi and said from next month he will only pay child maintenance and half the mortgage. I have submitted a child maintenance form. However he was giving me £20 per week per month child but when I said it’s non negotiable to pay he then paid more around £150.

The childcare bill is a bigger bill now it’s one wage coming into the house WE both benefit from our child going to nursery as it enables BOTH of us to work. He still refuses. It has been 3 weeks of hell to be honest the stress, uncertainty and he was threatening me with a solicitor and recording me during a phone call. He continues to say I earn more money why should he have to pay but over the past 3 years he’s been gambling hundreds of pounds per month. Then he says I’m going on and on about money and this is all I care about but I need clarity when you have bills to pay.

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week and I’m hoping I can get a separation agreement implemented so I can have clarity over what he pays etc so I can budget.

Can anyone make him pay towards childcare?

The thing is he knows what I earn but I feel he’s trying to give me all of this financial pressure and wants me to fail to say I’ll sell up - at some stage I will have to sell as I can’t buy him out I don’t think but I do not want to move before Xmas as I would have nowhere to go but he is staying with his mum.

Really you need to get an agreement in place regarding your child/children and how many days or nights he agrees to have them. You are then responsible for nursery costs on your days. He is responsible for nursery costs on his days.

Thanks for your message. The days my child goes to nursery the same days he’s works so we both benefit from him going as it enables both of us to work.

No. He needs to paying child maintenance inline with what he is required to pay. You need to look to see what benefits you’re entitled to.

You say ex. Is this ex husband or ex partner as it will make a difference to howmuch of the equity in the house you will get when it’s sold.

CAO needed, then only do nursery on your time, he can do nursery on his, or you pay for all and he contributes to the nursery time he uses.

Cant enforce anything without a CAO

But that isn’t how it works.

What @Boreded has said is how it works. A court ordered agreement sets out the boundaries for both parties. Each party is responsible for arranging childcare on their own time.

that may not be nursery for him, he may choose to have a relative look after your child. You don’t get a say in what he does on his time.

We both work on the days our child goes to nursery so it’s not like he’s off or I’m off

Doesn’t matter…you need to establish whose day it is, and that person pays. You might not like it, but that’s the way it works. Given the option on his days he may have a family member look after DC, or change shifts.

Just get the CAO in place ASAP then you will know where you stand

@Chase909 no one is saying this to cause you harm.

There’s nearly always a pattern in these situations.

You will keep going on about it. He will get annoyed. You keep going because you believe it should be fair. He will snap and to save him the hassle of dealing with you he will go to a solicitor.

A solicitor will start sending you letters and you’ll find them stressful. So at this point one of you will apply for a child arrangement order.

A child arrangement order usually sets out:
where the child is on any given day of the week
who has Christmas, birthday, new year etc
the arrangements for holidays

the ‘schedule’. Most courts have a starting point of 50/50 between parents.

what it doesn’t set out in most normal cases is a financial obligations. Because the court doesn’t get involved. The view is, you pay for what is on your time and I pay for what is on my time.

after that point the only ways you can get him to pay are:

• he accepts he is a father and he volunteers payment amicably, which at any point could be revoked
• you go through CSA
• he pays for what happens on his time.

you are better off building your own life that financially doesn’t rely on him, because as you’ve already discovered at any point he can just drop his obligation to pay nursery or the bills and the person it hurts isn’t him, it’s you.

There’s no magical way of getting him to pay half for this or half for that. There’s only a claim for CSA against him and anything he voluntarily offers.

We’re not married

Thanks for your response. What does CSA mean?

Child maintenence payments. The mandated amount he must pay you based on his earnings and the amount of time he has with the children.

Please Google this, and Child Arrangement Order, you need to get these things sorted out, they can take ages and if you don’t then you’re just delaying the inevitable.

Your finances are both of your individual concerns, as you're not married. You'll need to get the house up for sale and the process will take months.
Previous posters are correct, he should be parenting 50/50 and making his own arrangements if he needs childcare. Once equal parenting is arranged, see if you would be owed any child maintenance on their website.