Help needed!! Is this normal?

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Hello

I am writing because I’m at my wits end. This is a rant/vent whilst I’m in my garden having some space and a coffee

I have no other parent friends to speak to and I feel like me and my own parents have massively different parenting styles, and they don’t believe in some of the things I do parenting wise. I am divorced from their dad, and it is still high conflict after 5 years

my child’s behaviour (9) is having a massive impact on mine and my other child’s life.

They frequently hit me and their sibling, scream bloody murder at everything, bounce off the walls, and generally disrupt day to day life at every turn. Don’t get me started on bedtime routines.

I’ve had enough.

this has been going on since they were 4 and it just seems to be getting worse.

I’ve had help from school, emotional support, parenting support through the council, read books on ‘explosive children’, done online parenting courses from ‘parenting experts’, read more books about disregulation etc,

It is Saturday today.

they got up, and got dressed ok but then refused to eat breakfast or drink any water. The breakfast wasn’t nice (she’s eaten it before) and the water wasn’t ‘fresh’.

I wanted to pop out and do the shopping for 1hr so left the kids with my parents so they could spend some time together. This ‘should’ be a normal thing to be able to do I feel? Yet it descended into chaos

Upon my return, they started hitting the sibling. Refused to stop, I had to intervene and put them in a different room, to keep everyone safe. That escalated everything. Then they started pouring drinks over the table, mixing playdoh into it. Hitting me when I was trying to tidy it up. They said they wanted to go home and was hungry

We decided to leave my parents house, But then it was refusal to get In the car, despite them wanting to leave earlier. Hitting her sibling. Refusing seat belt. Throwing toys out the car. Refusing to pick up. I ignored it all then she started hitting again, so had to send sibling back into parents house and asked if parents could them drop off later. Which they did.

when we got home, more of the same. throwing things at me. Pouring drinks out. Made some dinner, and they’re now refusing to eat again.

I don’t understand. I’ve been calm throughout, no reaction, issued consequences (with warnings beforehand too so they know if they continue what will happen). I understand disregulation more than I did a few months ago and I try to help them regulate, but it is almost like they know what I’m doing, and then refuse to partake in anymore.

is this normal life?

I know I shouldn’t but I look at other family’s that are going out for a bike ride together , or to the park, or can even pop to the shop without an ordeal, and I just think there is absolutely no way that would be feasible.

Some of their school’s friends often go food shopping or to toy shop after school, and I can’t even make it out of the school gates without an argument about playing on the equipment or refusal to walk to to car…or hitting!! We can’t leave the house without a 3-4 hour meltdown, by then we have to have dinner, then followed by another meltdown, by which time it’s too late to do anything. And then it’s bedtime and more meltdowns begin.

is this life?

Does anyone else go through this? How do you cope? What helps?

Thank you if you’rve got this far.

No, not normal, sorry OP.
Needs to be assessed for autism, adhd etc.
Maybe a referral from GP or school? Not sure how it works exactly as I’m not in the UK.

She needs a referral for assessment of needs I think.

At 9 no it's not normal. At all.

first comment nails it, this is not normal, also look into getting therapy for her. Divorce has more impact on younger child than people understand. Speaking as someone who has had been in that situation. You may have to change the way you parent as what you’re doing isn’t working. You sound like the most caring mum and so kind and clearly love your DC, keep going you have this x

when you tell her to go somewhere to calm down, can you go with her and hug her to help her

Thanks! Sometimes what I do works really well, we have ‘good days’ and sometimes it doesn’t. It really depends on her sleep levels, food levels and external stressors

it’s a minefield to navigate. I keep reading things, changing things, implementing new strategies, working on myself etc

also dad has objected to therapy many times in the past as apparently none of these issues arise when the kids are with him

I used to but it used to anger her more, I used to tell her I would stay I the room with her until she was calm again but then I would literally be trapped in the corner near the door whilst she hit me/threw things at me. She said it made her more mad

so then I explained that when she hits in future she can go to separate room, not as a punishment, but until her brain is calm and so everyone stays safe.

this worked for a while but now she resists it and it escalates again

You are probably her safe space OP and she could be masking with others…keeping the stress in until it’s safe to let it out.
This is common.

Also to say, sometimes, i do ask for hugs instead of hits and sometimes she will accept the hug and other times is causes screaming. And I can’t work out what the pattern is with it being successful or not

I’ve heard of this