How to agree when one parent is more cautious than the other

[puant]

My baby is 6 months old. I’m on mat leave and primary carer while my husband works long hours in a demanding job.

We’ve hit a real difference of opinion and are both digging our heels in. My husband will happily sit with our baby and show them videos on his phone. Or let the baby grab and play with his phone.

I never deliberately show the baby my phone and go to great pains to hide it where I can. I want us to have a rule of no videos for baby, while he’s so young. My husband says when he’s looking after the baby I need to let him parent how he wants.

I’m not asking who is right or wrong. I would like advice on how others have dealt with disagreements like this, where one parent has a hard line and the other doesn’t. I am the more cautious and anxious parent so it does feel like more often than not I am the one telling my husband things I don’t want him to do with baby.

I think you need to have a think first as individuals then chat together. What are the things you really care about? The ones you are willing to compromise on? The ones that can just be different with different parents?

Then discuss.

The key part is that you can nosey everything is really important and he has to do everything your way. Thats not appropriate. Hence the thought in terms of priorities first.

One parent being more cautious than the other is normal, desirable even. There’s loads of evidence that cautious mother/ risk taking father roles are biologically determined. (Obviously not all families are like this; mine isn’t.)
However letting a baby play on a phone is not risk taking, encouraging exploration or learning. It’s just stupid and lazy. Find the data, show him the research. Look at the campaigns currently seeking to ban smart phone for children and discuss it with him. If he’s determined to keep letting protecting child send time of this addictive, untested brain rotting tech then I would find a relationship counselor.

I don’t think cautious comes into it. To me that would be disagreeing about letting your toddler go on the big slide at the park or something like that. I think this just more lazy parenting tbh, and he needs to interact with baby not be sat there doom scrolling. Maybe the compromise is somewhere in the middle, IMO there’s nothing wrong with taking 5 mins to look at your phone with a cuppa if baby is occupied and independently playing with a toy, but when you’re playing with the baby they should be the focus and the phone should be away.

So I see both sides tbh and feel like this is something you should've talked about before?
But anyways, hes being lazy but honestly I think youre being very precious too and at the end of the day he is an equal parent so on his time he does get to parent how he likes? Are you saying if he had baby for 5h he would sit for 5h with only his phone?

This is helpful thank you. I think it would be good to have a broader conversation about the things each of us really care about. We just haven’t done it yet because so far most things have felt quite easy to agree on or he’s just defaulted to going with my opinion as I spend the most time with baby and have done more research on things.

Oh I didn’t know this. Interesting. It’s just hard work to always be the parent who is trying to hold the other back from things.

We both know the research on why it’s bad is there, he just thinks 10 or 15 minutes every so often isn’t so bad, whereas I want us to have a complete ban as I think it’s a slippery slope to longer exposure.

He’ll have the baby for maybe an hour or 30 minutes every few days and usually lets him sit and play independently while he watches him but sometimes will sit baby on his lap and watch videos with him. This week was the first time he showed the baby a video (a children’s tv show from the 90s) on purpose? Like specifically he wanted the baby to watch the video.

We have talked about it. We’ve just not been able to agree on it yet.

So he isnt planting the baby in front of a screen frequently or for long periods? Then you need to lighten up. What damage do you think its going to do exactly?

I am worried about the baby becoming magnetised to the phone. They already reach and crawl for it when they’re near it. I worry their dad will use it more frequently and they’ll become dependent on it to be calm and distracted. So I guess damage to baby’s ability to play independently or endure boredom?

Would you mind as much if it was streamed to the TV?

Children always want what adults use and you won't be able to hide all evidence of phones from them

But he is a parent as well, it isn't easy navigating but you do need to talk, and both be willing to make compromises .

Sorry but in the kindest way possible... you are being ridiculous. A baby is not going to become dependent on a phone or be damaged or unable to play independently because they get 15mins of a phone screen every few days.
The no screen crew have got so far into new mothers heads that people can't see sense and are catastrophising

No I agree with you OP. It sounds like he’s actively teaching the baby to like/want screens. Pretty sure it’s recommended no screens this age - look up the government/nhs advice. They don’t need them, but if they get them then they will want them.

Look up Sam Wass who is a researcher who studies how babies respond to screens and phone. Fast flickering movies are especially bad, but slow gentle tv watched with a parent is not so bad.

Thanks 🥲 yeah tbh I’m pretty convinced that it’s a negative thing for a baby to be shown screens, which was why my question was more about how we approach a topic we disagree on where I would favour zero tolerance no screens approach and my husband wants us to be more flexible.

Yes I agree it’s a slippery slope. I think it’s fine to have a hard boundary on this as long as possible. At some point you may want to give in when baby/toddler doesn’t want to play independently and you need to get stuff done. But hold off as long as you can. There’s a whole childhood ahead of pestering and tantrums about screens. It’s awful - I didn’t introduce until 2y (because we were moving house and needed a long distraction) and I still regret it.

I've got two teens. I wish I'd not exposed them to screens at all when they were so young. I do think it's inevitable that at some stage, maybe 10 upwards, they'll just get absorbed into the world of screens, but while their brains are developing so fast and they should be learning language, social skills, appreciating being outside, physical exercise, interacting, sharing, etc etc it is better to protect them from the dreaded screen. It will take over eventually but I think that's all the more reason to prioritise all those other things as long as you can.