AIBU, we have an 8 week old, don’t feel like partner is helping and starting to struggle.

[makeupgirlie]

After welcoming our beautiful baby into the world my partner started off the first week being really helpful and really supportive, however he works a full time job 9-5 mon-fri his job is not very labour intensive and a lot of the time is chilling. For week now he’s not been helping much, when he’s back from work all I hear is that he’s so tired. He will hold the baby for around an hour, he was doing the evening feed but all of a sudden he’s too tired and it’s me now doing it and getting the baby to bed, so I get to sleep around 1am. Along with this I do all nappy changes, dressing, cleaning all bottles, making every bottle and all the feeds. I have recently been breaking down to him but he seems to get annoyed at me because I keep ‘going on’ I’ve cried, I’ve begged for help but it’s the same every day. Even weekends I feel I don’t get a break, maybe an hour or so. He tells me ‘it’s a woman’s job’ I don’t get out much and don’t really have many friends, and no friends with babies. I’m really stuck and don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable with being annoyed at him.

He tells me ‘it’s a woman’s job’

this tells you everything you need to know.
It’s over OP. He won’t change.

He tells me ‘it’s a woman’s job’ Your partner has told you who he is.
Nip it in the bud now.

I’ve begged for help... It's not help you should be asking for, it's for him to pull his weight as a partner and father.

Exactly.

Is there somewhere you can go @makeupgirlie - maybe to your parents?

He needs to realise he is in a serious 'shape up or ship out' situation.

He should be "helping you", he should be doing his share of parenting.

Did you talk to your h about the division of labour before your ttc? That might have been helpful.

Ask him why he thinks it’s fair that he gets 2 days off per week when you have 7-day weeks…

Now that is the problem. I was going to sympathise, a tiny bit, if he was nervous, and felt unsure, at first my husband was terrified of dropping this tiny thing, because he'd never been around babies, and family said give him some time, let him watch and do things together, then he'll be confident doing it alone and giving you some breaks.
But there's a difference between a new parent (man or woman ) who has less experience of childcare than their partner, but who is willing to learn. OP, didn't he give you any idea he was like this before? Point out it's on both of you (fair enough the one who's out working does a bit less, but when you're back, it should be equal).

Unfortunately that's very, very common. They're excited at first but when the boredom and relentlessness of caring for a baby sets in, men lose interest.

Mine did the same after having been the perfect father and partner for the first month. It took a lot of almighty rows to get him to shape up. I was on his case constantly. Literally bossing him around like he's some apprentice. I also just handed him the baby and let him deal with it for an hour or so and went upstairs or left the house (he was breastfed so I couldn't leave for longer but I would have).

He did do more. When I went back to work, things got even more level. DS is now 2 and things are even better.

But mine did have some kind of love and respect deep down to actually do as he's told when shit hit the fan.

I made it very clear from the moment DC1 was born, that I expected everything outside working hours to be shared equally. DC1 was a very tricky baby and I worked just as hard as DH did during the day.
In reality, I probably did do more than 50% in the evenings / nights but setting that expectation from the start meant I never really had any big battles with DH.
It sounds like yours is under the misconception that earning money means that you don’t need to parent. If he won’t change his mind, you need to think long and hard about whether this is someone you want to stay with. It’s still early days though, and you must be exhausted, things might get in easier as time goes on.

What cultural background are you? Some cultures have More traditional views of men and women's roles.

I'd walk out of the door once he walks in for a few days. Leave him for 3 hours and go somewhere else, ideally your family so you can rest and be looked after.

He’ll soon find out it’s his job 24/7 half of every week if you split so best he gets his arse in gear.
Are you married?

you need to say to him. When you are at work I’m looking after the baby 100% When you are not at work it needs to be shared. And going forward literally give him the baby and go do something else. Take turns at bed time say I did last night you do tonight. If he moans he’s tired say I know me too this is a tough period but if we work together we will get through it.

if he tries to do jobs badly ignore him and let him figure it out. If he tries to create a row (so he can storm off and leave you to deal with the baby) say things are feeling tense I’ll get out your way and we can talk later. Then leave the room.

il be honest my dh was pretty useless and I struggled a lot. I only went back to work part time as a result and I didn’t have anymore children with him as I knew it would be significantly harder with a baby and a toddler and minimal help.
We have found our groove now and it fairly even in
our contributions but DS was 9 by the time we figured it out!

Oh my God OP - that is horrific!!!!!

My DH used to get up early in the morning and make me a packed lunch before he went to work and pop it in the fridge so that no matter how shitty my day was with the baby he knew that I could always have a quick lunch without needing to find a spare five minutes to make it myself. He would then come home from work at 5.30pm and send me off to bed for an hours Power Nap whilst he made dinner. He would then go and bath the baby and whilst I was doing the bedtime routine and settling baby to bed he would go and wash up and clean the kitchen. He would also get up with me in the night if needed to help with the baby and to support me when I was struggling.

As well as doing all these things to keep me sane and rested he was also doing it because he wanted to spend time with his baby and play a part in their upbringing, which all dads should do. The fact your partner doesn’t even feel the natural urge to want to care for his baby is worrying, never mind the fact he doesn’t seem to care about your well-being either.

You and your baby deserve so much better and you shouldn’t need to ask for it. Your partner should WANT to do it. Neither of you are his priority and the fact he has even told you that it’s women’s work shows you exactly what kind of man he is and what kind of future lies ahead.

I’m so angry and upset for you OP!

It’s easy to say LTB but I can’t see how this will improve and I don’t see how a relationship between the two of you can thrive in this kind of environment.

But be assured that you are 100% not being unreasonable!!!!

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Why does he think it’s ok for your “job” to be 24/7 while his is 9-5?
Is there anywhere you can go and stay? Your parents?
Tell him you need to be somewhere you’re going to get support because he’s not providing it.

There was an interesting feature on Today (Radio 4) this morning - the father summed it up well IMO. (Approx.07:36 hrs). The speaker was George Gabriel from The Dad Shift.

Roughly, it was 'man up, learn to be a father, don't just provide for your family with money. Bond with the child and show the child what a healthy relationship between parents is.

Apologies to those involved for my probably rubbish summary - the feature was about paternity leave, and also had Alan Johnson (former Home Secretary etc).
He was a dad-of-three by the time he was 20.

What cultural background are you? Some cultures have More traditional views of men and women's roles.
That isn't a get out clause. Unless he was brought up in the 1950s, in which case his advanced age and employment probably mean he's exhausted.

Oh absolutely it isn't, but it can be a helpful insight and may also lean towards more or less support from the next generation up.