My friend isn’t coping with single-parenting her 3 boys

[DubLoon]

I’ve recently spent the weekend with my friend. She lives several hours away, so we only see each other every few months. I’ve known for a while that she was struggling to cope with her three boys (age 12, 11 and 8) but the weekend has left me so sad and worried for them all.

There is constant conflict, from the moment they wake up to when they go to bed. The brothers are physically violent towards each other and her. They are all swearing at each other, lying to her about each other to try to get each other in trouble, stealing money from her. I have seen the older two bashing each other in the head, using their scooters as weapons, when one borrowed the other’s knee pads without asking. Throwing big rocks at the windows in rage. Slamming doors, punching walls. Consequences (eg. taking away their screen time) fall on deaf ears.

she has previously just gotten in the car and driven away from the house. She now threatens to do that if their behaviour is particularly bad. That causes the youngest to be very fearful.

She threatens to send them to live with their father, but I don’t think would actually do that. He’s been violent towards them when they’ve spent the weekend with him, and social services got involved. She’s recently moved to a different part of the country and I don’t think social services are involved any more.

She’s not coping. The kids are unhappy, full of rage and out of control. She has said she doesn’t want this life any more and is considering opting out - asking social services to take the kids.

Any wisdom out there about what routes forward there could be?

This doesn’t sound like an easy situation to solve. Is there a reason why she’s moved far away? Does she have any support there? Tbh it really does sound like it’s at a point that she should contact social services, not to ask them to take them, but to see what support they can offer. Leaving an 8 year old with violent older siblings is crisis point IMO.

I definitely agree that she needs support from social services - the children sound like they are at risk from each other. Would you feel comfortable making an anonymous referral?

Three traumatised boys from an abusive father with the mother left to bear the brunt. I feel so sorry for her. Idk how to help it’s absolutely shit. You’re a good friend to care zx

It is hard enough for some of my best friends, who only have one child. I feel really sorry for her, but if you feel the children are at risk you do need to report it. For her sake too-how would she feel if she got back and one was terribly injured?

She’s moved somewhere really remote, with no neighbours - because she is so sick of being worried about what the neighbours think of all the shouting. She’s got no support. When social services were involved before, that was from an anonymous referral - she doesn’t know who, it made her feel more isolated, that she couldn’t trust any of her friends locally. That was on the basis of her continuing to send the kids to their father sometimes for the weekend, despite knowing what the risks were, because she needed respite from them. Horrible situation. Now they rarely see their father, but she’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to turn. She’s got financial means, I’ve suggested a nanny - she says nobody would want to stick around long enough to help get things under control.

If she's really well off, a nanny sounds like a great idea. I assume the boys go to school? So the nanny would only need to work early mornings, evenings and weekends - it's quite a sweet gig in that sense, so if she is willing to pay well too, I am sure she would find somebody willing to stick it out.

In her position this is definitely a problem I would throw all the money at.......

If she has the financial means, private family therapy would be my starting point. For the boys, for her, together and individually.

Could she afford to put the older ones in boarding school? It would be better than devolving into a situation that ends up with them in care.

Yes she could afford it, but she was sent to boarding school and considers her lifelong tendency to anxious attachment was a direct result of her experience - so she’s reluctant. But agree, it’s got to be worth considering.

@DubLooneven if she feels isolated due to a social services referral she may be grateful of it in the long run if it results in the necessary help for her and her children

It has to be less damaging than abandoning them to social services. I say that as someone entirely opposed to boarding school.

I wonder if there is anything like Homestart available in her area that could help? I think they are normally for families with youngest child under 5, but not always, or there may be similar organisations that also help with families with older children. Not sure how you would find out, but social services might be able to advise.

Oh this looked so good - but sadly the service in her area requires at least one child in the family to be under 5 years old. Thank you for signposting though, I had no idea this service existed

That's a shame. It might still be worth looking into whether there are any other charities or volunteer groups that can help, in the area or if it's too remote, possibly virtual/online support? Or a paid-for parent support or "supernanny"-type helper, for advice and support if not actually moving in (in which case there's no need to worry about them being driven away!).

But family and/or individual therapy also sounds a very good idea if she has the means. It sounds as though the boys have picked up some terrible messages and behaviours from their father, but are probably also confused and distressed by their conflicting views towards, and separation from, him despite his behaviour, and are now also scared of their mum abandoning them too. The boys are still quite young really and it sounds as though they really need some help dealing with those feelings before they become more ingrained.

Good to encourage the boys to make new friends in the area/try new activities as well, as it sounds as though they are quite isolated and bottled up together, so some outside interests and a break from the house, as well as feeling happier with their new life/home, would probably help a lot.

Hope she is able to get some help and that they can all start to feel happier, calmer and more settled.

Thanks so much @ahagwearsapointybonnetamd everyone who’s commented, I feel I have a few routes to chat through with her, that feel realistic and could make a difference. Really appreciate it.

I would say she needs a child therapist to be involved asap

IME this is irreversible / too far gone. She will have to either live like this until police can be called to arrest them (so still a few years) or lose them and live like a human being again but have all-consuming never-ending regret and sadness. In the first case scenarios there’s a good chance she will get seriously harmed waiting for the time the law can help

If the children are attending school, I would try talking to the school safeguarding lead. Explain that you have concerns about the family as a whole and don't know where to start in terms of offering support to her.

And if she's got the financial means, I'd guide her towards getting a nanny. Someone older who can be more firm with the children. The issues she has all sound like she's not putting any level of boundaries in for the kids and the older they get, the worse their behaviour will become if they never face consequences for their actions. She's effectively given up on parenting them for whatever reason, I've seen it 1st hand several times through my old job and it's very tough to get them back on board even with a lot of support in honesty.