3 year old scared of other children and not making friends

[Pixiecutninja]

My 3 year old is afraid of other children and won't play with them. She goes to nursery full time where the staff have been trying to get her to play with other children for over a year now. They have said she either walks away or looks a bit scared and stays still.

I have been taking her to parks, clubs and soft play as soon as she is born, so she is very used to other children, but just won't play with them, even when they want to play with her. We play together at home and practice turn taking etc. She has read books about playing together and understands the concept of having a friend. Her teddies even have 'friends' that she decided on herself.

She is articulate and hitting all milestones, but just has no interest in other children. She is an only child and will always be one due to personal circumstances so I am hoping she does make friends soon!

Just to mention, due to early drop off and late pick ups, I don't see other parents to socialise with them to do playdates. I don't have friends nearby with young kids either. Financially, I have to work full time so don't have a lot of time to make new friends myself.

Anyone had this before and can suggest something to help my child make friends?

You need to get some play dates sorted so she has play mates over in her own home environment with you around. You need to prioritise that. And it may mean you having to serve coffee to a parent you don’t “socialise” with

Yes I agree with pp play dates would be so useful as they are just one other child or a small group rather than a big group at nursery, and you can help facilitate games or activities.

You need to find some other local parents for play dates. Go to the park at weekends and get chatting maybe.

Does she share toys and it’s more parallel play, so she plays alone but near others? At 3 that could be quite normal. I’d only worry if she wasn’t playing with others by 5.

There is an app called “peanut” for mums looking for other Local mums for play dates. It’s really good

She is only 3, give her time. It will come naturally as she gets older.

If you genuinely want to help your DD, then you’ll set aside fact you don’t know the other parents very well - and set up some play dates

I wouldn't do anything now, but would read up on introversion and see if this could be just a natural personality thing.

You don't want to do more harm than good, so trying to understand her is important.

Other young kids can be very loud, unpredictable, even violent. Some kids do find it a bit much but once behaviour calms down it improves for them.

So I'd look at the why before jumping to the what.

If she’s full time at nursery and not playing with anyone and actually seems scared of the other children - surely she must generally be very unhappy at this nursery?

Yes, this is the easiest solution. One other child, in a familiar place, not as overwhelming and crowded as nursery.

But also, I think lots of three year olds don't take any notice at all of other children and are still doing parallel play by themselves. I know DS was, because I noted the difference when he was still a young three and the other kids were rising four and would be heading to school the next academic year, and who were much more attuned to playing with one another.

If she doesn't enjoy the playdates, see it as a normal developmental stage and let her be for a bit until she actually shows more of an interest in other kids.

Shame that you seem concerned but also don’t want to engage with your own thread giving genuinely good advice @Pixiecutninja

I would give it time. Keep playing with her at home and nursery can keep encouraging play alongside other children. She is still very little and plenty of children don't really make friends until 4ish.

The other thing is trying older/younger children if you know any through friends. Older children can be more predictable and better at sharing, so can be a gentler first friend. Conversely she might feel more confident around younger children.

This is the weird thing, I've been told she is happy at nursery and likes going in. Drop offs are fine and she runs in. She just plays alone or with staff. She talks about the staff a lot but rarely other kids - its like they don't exist!

I think she has got a bit better with parallel play, though still walks away if anyone plays too close. She is definitely scared of the loud, boisterous kids, and is unfortunately one of the youngest in the class, so will always have slightly older kids around her.

I did try a few times with a friend's child who lives quite far away. She just clung to me and wouldn't play at all, even when I joined in on the floor. The other child got a bit upset.

I think I am at fault here as it was a bit embarrassing and maybe I just stopped trying. My own personality is introverted even though I force myself to chat to everyone to model social skills, but I think some of this must have come from me.

did try a few times with a friend's child who lives quite far away. She just clung to me and wouldn't play at all, even when I joined in on the floor. The other child got a bit upset.

this wasn’t a child your daughter is friends with.

You need to invite a child from her nursery. Speak to the staff and ask them to keep an eye on anyone she does have a tendency to gravitate to. Then hand a note over to the staff addressed to the parents saying you’d love to invite X over for a little play date and a coffee for the parent and provide your contact details.

you are going to have to step out of your comfort zone. She will be going to school next year?