How do I make friends with the other parents at nursery?

[Marzipanni]

Evening everyone.

My daughter is three. I’m a SAHM and she’s been at home with me full-time so far, but has just started nursery one morning a week. So far, she’s doing really well and has settled in brilliantly (bearing in mind that we’re only two weeks into term!)

The main reason I put her in nursery is that she’s finally starting to seem interested in other children and wanting to socialise. She’s the only child in the family (apart from her brother, who is a newborn) and my friends’ kids are all much older, so I’m really keen for her to get out there and make some friends of her own.

I feel like it would help if I made friends with the other nursery kids’ parents. But there’s really no stand-around-and-chat time at drop-off — my daughter and I get there early, but we’re the only people who do; everyone else seems to turn up exactly as the doors open — and at pick-up, the other parents stand around on their phones and I feel too awkward to interrupt and try and chat to anyone.

My daughter has never been on a play date, or been invited to a birthday party or had one of her own. I’ve been taking her to toddler groups and stay-and-plays very regularly since she was tiny, and have made my own ‘mum friends’ there, but she’s never gelled with any of the other kids. They’ve never been quite the right age.

I’m being careful not to put any pressure on her or make her aware of this being ‘a thing’ for me, but I’m so anxious for her to make some pals and I really want the other parents to like me so they’ll think to invite my baby to their baby’s birthday parties and stuff! (Can you tell I was a weird, lonely kid and have become a weird, shy adult?)

What should I do? How do I make friends with parents I hardly ever see and who don’t seem super social?

Throw a birthday party and invite the nursery kids and parents - I'm sure they'll show up and you'll get to know the parents!

My eldest went to nursery at 10 months, so a bit of a different situation to you - but I'd say birthday parties and playdates didn't really happen till 3 years old at the earliest anyway. I worried a lot about making friends with other parents with her, but there started to be quite a few parties in her last year of nursery. Now she's at school, playdates and parties are endless! So I wouldn't really worry about trying to make friendships or anything if it doesn't happen naturally. Saying that, my second is at nursery now and I invited her class to our house for a (very short!) birthday party for my youngest's second birthday and the children all enjoyed playing near each other at least! Someone's set up a WhatsApp group and there's occasional chat about meeting up at the park, etc.

I'll be honest, I wouldn't bother too much with nursery parents. Save all your energy and effort for the primary school parents as they are more likely to be the life-long ones (speaking from experience).

Most nurseries are like this- it’s really only birthday parties where you get the chance to meet and get to know anyone. Although I will say I didn’t really make ‘friends’ with any of them but occasionally text or chat and arrange the odd play date of trip out to the park.

Mines been at nursery since 11 months and now 3.5 and I barely see any parents. Everyone’s picks up and drops off at different times. I know literally no parent and never will. I think school will be the time for what you wish for.

Nursery had 'stay and play' where parents can stay a bit once a month.

Once they are old enough there are birthday parties.

We walked back from nursery with other parents going the same way.

I also knew some parents from NCT or playgroups

My daughter’s birthday isn’t until May, sadly — but she’s planning it already and has been very interested in the idea of birthday parties since she saw the Pass the Parcel episode of Bluey and had the concept introduced to her.

Hopefully this isn’t too silly a question, but how do I invite kids to a party if I haven’t met them and don’t know their parents? Do I just entrust the responsibility of handing out invitations to my daughter when she goes into nursery?

Don't put so much pressure on yourself! I'm a completly awkward social introvert I made mum friends with my son's friends mum but it was over the course of meeting her (coincidentally) at various groups alongside nursery. We were mainly placed together as our son's really gelled from being very young. He was only invited to parties from the age of 4 (August born) when he started school so I would focus more on just being friendly to all but seeing who she naturally gels with as they'll be likely be interested in having a playdate with you if there friends for a long period.

Her birthday isn’t until May, so I’m hoping she gets invited to a couple of birthday parties or gatherings or some kind before then so I can meet the other parents properly and get a sense of how things are done!

I WISH someone would set up a WhatsApp group because I’d be all over that thing but it doesn’t seem that anybody has.

This is really interesting! Our nursery is actually in a primary school, so if she goes to that school, she’ll be going up with all her little nursery buddies. I think that’s why I’m taking it all quite seriously.

I think most get there at just the right moment because they don’t want to chat so I wouldn’t force it. I would just chill, she’s getting social time at school.

I’ll be honest if she’s only there one morning a week it’s going to be difficult for you both to make friends there. It just took me nearly a year of my daughter being at nursery 3 full days a week to find nursery mum friends who are more than a nod or a hello to and I really had to put myself out there putting notes in bags asking if they fancied a playdate etc

Honestly I don’t think I ever talked to parents at nursery. I was always in a rush to get to work or dragging my son with me or my daughter was upset about whatever. Much more chatting at the school doors in early primary school and loads more parties and such. (Though I didn’t personally make any friends via my kids as I work full time I did get to know the parents to say hi and complaint about the weather now and again!)

if you want to invite nursery friends to her party the nursery staff will likely help you pass out the invites. My daughter had a 4th birthday party and the staff helped (I just invited the class). My son was in nursery during Covid so no parties until they started turning 5 then they were constant for a few years.

Are there any extracurricular activities she could join that are close to the school? I found this helpful even from age 3 as kids from her nursery went too and the parents all sat in the waiting areas together eat her. Still useful now my dd is in primary school for getting to know class parents.

Ah ok, you still have lots of time then! I found that I made my friends though the volunteering aspect of the school. Cake sales, Christmas and summer fairs etc. I'm sure you'll find your people in time.

I agree with volunteering to help with events and things - our school (which includes a nursery class) is always looking for parent volunteers for bake sales, Christmas fairs etc. It definitely helps to get to know people. As for a WhatsApp group, why don’t you set one up?

I’d say just chill out for now. It’s a new setting, see what unfolds for a few months. I’d guess there will be a couple of parties or more. You can then get to know some parents and also observe who your child plays well with. Then host your own one in May. I think once you’re in the main school and school runs and class parties every few weeks are the norm it’s much easier to make friends. It takes a while, in my experience. It goes from a brief chat at a party to head nodding on the drop off to eventually a sort of friendship or play dates. And be prepared to host the play dates as well. I’ve found lots of people don’t like to host and want to go to the park, which is ok but not much of a bonding experience for the kids.

I did think about the fact that she’s only in one morning a week and how this might hinder her attempts to make proper friends, especially since the other children seem to be there a lot more (based on how many lunch boxes are on the rack at drop-off). We’re thinking of increasing her hours after Christmas, but even then will probably only do two mornings a week, then maybe three after Easter in the final term before school starts…

My friends whose kids have been in nursery much more and from much younger all seem to have had very active social lives since they were tiny! But the comments here have given me some encouragement that it’s quite normal to not have heaps of mates yet at three.

Thank you, a lot of other commenters seem to agree so I feel this is solid advice. I just don't want her to be lonely! She’s such a lovely, funny, kind girl, and she plays so beautifully, she really deserves the most amazing friends.

I think it will be hard for her to make friends one morning per week. I’m surprised the school nursery allow that, at ours you have to take all 5 days!

My kids went to private nurseries from babies until Reception and most people seem to start doing birthday parties from 3. I just used to ask the staff for a list of kids names and then print out a load of invites to take in.

Also, this sounds mean but try not to try too hard. Jaded people like me are rushing in and out to and from work and just wanting to get home. It’s not personal if people don’t want to stand around and chat.

I never made any friends at nursery (or tried to). I was dropping off and picking up on the way to work.

parties don’t really start till primary and then most people invite the whole class or at least all the girls or all the boys so she will get plenty invites

i didnt bother making friends at primary either as still working and I have friends.

it makes no impact on children

Yes, I definitely have stay-at-home-mum ‘I haven’t spoken to a grown-up other than my husband in several days, please talk to me’ energy (I think I did actually say exactly that to someone once) and I have to try very hard not to come off weird and desperate with the busy and harried parents just trying to do drop-off.

we made friends by hanging out in the park after nursery. There was always someone from nursery there- especially in nice weather. The library is also a hangout.

re the party- we didn't know that many people but just asked the teachers for a list of names and gave them some invitations to hand out. Lots of people came that we had not met. Then you get asked to other parties too.

I can't believe there is a nursery without a what's app group! Could you set one up? Again I'd do it through the teachers.

my eldest is now 8 and we still have pals from nursery. All at different schools but thick as thieves.

Somebody will inevitably have a birthday party soon, and that’s the ideal place to start talking to new parents.

I do agree with others though re: struggling to make friends if she’s only there one morning a week. She’s only there 10% of the week. The other children will form strong friendships with their peers who are there all week. She will of course make friends, but I think the other children will have stronger relationships with those they see more regularly, so will be more likely to ask their parent to arrange a play date with X friend.