Nearly 9 year old ignoring instructions

[TheLette]

Looking for advice on my nearly 9 year old daughter. She is very bright but also very strong willed and when she is told to stop doing something, she just ignores the instruction and carries on. This includes when teachers or other children at school tell her not to do something, as well as at home.

At home I try to make the instruction clear and also explain why (like it's dangerous or xyz could happen).

Her class teacher has now mentioned this problem.

Any tips for how to change this?

I have the same problem in reverse too - getting her to do something (like get dressed).can also involve a lot of resistance. I'm exhausted by trying to get her to do basic stuff. None of it is unreasonable/stuff she can't actually do, and as mentioned she is bright and generally pretty competent at stuff when she wants to do things.

I am not always the most patient - I will shout sometimes or threaten consequences but I don't have endless amounts of time or patience to negotiate over basic everyday tasks. Help!

First, checking hearing.

then check auditory processing.

Sounds like Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

Could be. Declarative language helps with this. And also having an “out”.

Thank you - I will look into that. What do you mean by having an "out"?

Sounds like you threaten consequences

do you actually carry any out? Are they appropriate to the problem at hand ? Sounds like she doesn’t expect any pain ( mental, emotional ) to come from not following instructions so why would she ?

won’t get dressed ? Let’s take you to school like that then - we are leaving now.

dont brush teeth - take anything sweet out of the diet - and anything she likes to eat - to protect her teeth

playing with something? Pick it up and put it in the bin

shes bright - if something is really dangerous you wouldn’t be standing there explaining you would pull her away

The only way I can get her to do stuff is threatening consequences (like you aren't going to go to your friends birthday party if you don't do as you are told, or this toy is being taken away if you can't play nicely, or you will be going straight to bed with no reading time if you keep doing this). This does eventually motivate her (with repeated refusals then final warnings etc) but I hate having to go down that route. The consequences do happen (although not the birthday party ones - I've never actually gone through with those as I don't want to upset the other children). I am not of the gentle school of parenting; I am reasonably strict and like things being done properly. She has a great life - lovely school (teacher is fab), friends, home, lots of holidays and extra-curricular activities and interests. I think part of the problem is that kids these days get taught about their rights - great in theory but in practice that seems to translate to "you can't tell me what to do" and "you aren't the boss of me".

Also the consequences don't really work when she is refusing to stop something in the moment; they are better for getting her to do things (rather than stop). Often the things I ask her to stop need to be stopped fairly quickly (e.g. holding our cats when they clearly don't want to be held, upsetting her sister etc). She doesn't have hearing issues, she hears and knows what stop means but just doesn't go through with it. My other child (age 5) can stop when asked.

If you don’t carry through consequences then you won’t change this behaviour - she knows that some of your threats are empty

the consequences need to come hard and fast not after half an hour of pleading first

upsetting sister is straight to her room ( no electronics )

cats are tricky but just let the cat scratch her

You must only announce consequences you are prepared to enforce otherwise you're undermining yourself. As per PPs delayed consequences (e.g. no reading at bedtime) are not very effective.
If you need an immediate consequence, time out or the naughty step is a good one.

She may just be going through an independent stage and need to experience some external consequences. Sometimes, I felt like my DD was testing the laws of the universe rather than challenging me directly so she needed to the universe to speak back, if you will.

If the cats are annoyed, let them scratch her. That might not take more than one time. If her teacher is annoyed, your DD might lose a few minutes of break time or some other consequence. Again, it might only take one time for DD to twig. These will be more effective than any amount of explaining on your part.

I wonder whether you're over-managing a bit? If you are constantly pulling her up on things, maybe just let the situation play out. If you need her to do something quickly, e.g, prepare to leave the house, can you set a timer to give things a sense of urgency?

Ask her to repeat the instruction back to you to make sure she understands.

Make sure the instructions are simple and easy to follow. Tidy your room can be vague. Pick up all the clothes on the floor and put them in the laundry basket. then come back to me for the next instruction. That is v concrete.

can you give examples of things she ignores. is it everything or only some types of instructions?