Struggling because my 3yo daughter always seems to prefer her grandma

[Flo367]

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. My DD literally always wants her grandparent over me (her Mum) and it makes me feel like utter shit. I seem to be the only one that tells her off for doing something naughty/unkind so I don't know if it's linked to that but I'm starting to resent her grandma for always giving her treats/new toys etc because I feel like this is the reason my DD always wants her. I've even thought of leaving my job so I can see DD more in the hopes she'll love me more. Please someone tell me I'm being ridiculous and how to get over these feelings. Makes me feel like what is the point in putting my complete heart and soul into parenting when my own child doesn't even want me 😩

Well I would feel the same. I even hate on the rare occasion dc want dh over me, so I do get it. But it is important to remember we don’t parent for what we get in return, we do it to do what’s best for our dc. It’s great dd has someone else she loves and trusts too. I think there’s maybe a bit more context needed, for example how much time do you spend with dd and how much time does she spend with grandma? What’s she like with other people? Does grandma get her gifts and let her do anything? Does grandma undermine you or talk badly about you? I suppose that all says if it’s normal or if there’s something a bit toxic.
is it just that when she sees grandma it’s exciting and new but she’s fine with you the rest of the week at home? Are you reacting visibly? Is dd perhaps getting attention or a reaction for acting this way?

Does your mother provide childcare?

She doesn’t love her grandma ‘more’. She just loves her grandma. You should be pleased she is loved and feels happy and not take it so personally.

A lot of parenting is thankless and self sacrificing I’m afraid and she’s only 3, she’s just reacting to circumstances. She still needs a consistent safe adult to be ‘normal’ with (ie grumpy/ tantrummy/ frustrated/ tired / ill etc) with. That’s a parent’s job.

I can guarantee she doesn’t love anyone more than you! You’re her mum. When the chips are down, it’s you she will want, every time :)

Yes you are being ridiculous, you did ask, and do not put this on to her, she is not your toy but her own person you don't own her, so fix whatever you have going on and let her breathe

You really need to get over this - children love their Grandparents because they spoil them - that's what Grandparents are for! It's your job to shape your little person into a civilised, competent adult and that includes setting limits and discipline alongside all the fun stuff. Grandparents have done their parenting and for their grandchildren they are just for the fun stuff! Instead of being jealous that your DD loves her Grandma, try and make the time that you have with her fun too - spend time playing with her, give her your full attention and lots of cuddles and stories at bedtime.

I’m a grandma who’s granddaughter who screams grandma and rushes towards me in delight whenever she sees me. In no way do I think she loves me more than my son’s ex who is an amazing mum, my son sees her loads as well before someone thinks I’m compensating for him I’m just blessed to have a good relationship with his ex as well.
I’m a novelty who has all the time we are together to focus on her, I don’t have to do my housework for example because I can do that when she’s gone home. I have the time available to spend half an hour on what should be a 10 min walk looking at leaves or stones and singing songs because I’m not having to rush to get her to nursery and then to my work.
I don’t go overboard on toys or sweet treats, I could afford to but I don’t because that’s no fair for me to set the expectation on her mum that every time we go to a shop my granddaughter will get something. if she needs something I’ll give her mum the money ( she's on a low wage) so it seems to come from mummy.
I do know how you feel as my two sons absolutely adored my mum and dad, and it seems an unfair comparison when as a mum we are doing the hardest job in the world. But who else loves our children, would do anything for them and cherishes the time they are able to spend with them quite like a grandparent, and no child was ever spoiled by having too much love in their lives.
Actually my granddaughter is doubly blessed because my mum is still with us and my granddaughter loves her Nana too.
My son’s ex’s parents are also very involved in her life and she has a great grandma on that side too, she is a very lucky young lady.

The relationship between a child and their grandparents is (or should be) unique and beautiful.
I wish I still had mine.

I have a great relationship with my DGD . She said to me just recently that her mum is jealous and thinks she loves me more! Don’t be that mother! She said don’t tell her mum that she told me .
Her mum shouldn’t be saying that to her at all , that’s childish and mind playing .
Your child loves you unconditionally. And it’s not a contest .

I agree. It isn't a competition about who a child "loves" more and children will go through life showing preference for different people at different times. The best thing is to have a sense of humour about it all. Me and my husband are always joking with each other over who the favourite parent is this week. Both my kids are all over my MIL when we go over and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. In fact the opposite, means I can have a cuppa in peace!

I always get concerned when I read posts about parents who are always so hurt and emotional over a young child displaying developmentally normal behaviour and it's something worth sorting out before they get older. Children aren't responsible for their parents feelings and relying on them for your own emotional regulation just places a burden on them for being responsible for their parents feelings.

I should also add as well, children and especially young children should be able to build bonds with other family members and show this affection without the burden of a parents feelings being hurt. Grandparents should also be able to show love to their grandchildren and buy presents without it causing some sort of negative emotional reaction from the parent.

All this talk of leaving your job, feeling like utter shit and how somehow your child should be rewarding you for you "putting your heart and soul" into parenting just creates a really unhealthy dynamic where somehow a 3 year old needs to act in a certain way to manage your feelings and where your emotions are more important than a young child being allowed to build bonds with a loving grandparent.

Well, that’s telling you good and proper @Flo367 and I hope it puts you in your place?

As a non-parent and thus with no standing in this matter at all, I should say that my heart goes out to you. I can quite understand why you feel so wretched about this. You love your child and it seems to you that your child does not love you in the same way. All the explanations and lectures are really not supporting you, in my opinion. It’s only with support and encouragement that you can understand and feel ok. That’s important.

Your little girl knows that you love her and she feels safe with you. And she loves you, of course she does.You will always be her mother and you will always care for her and do the things that mothers do. The fact that she’s able to reach out and feel good with other people is because she knows that she has a secure base with you. She’s taking your love for granted. It’s right that she does this, but it’s understandable why it can cut you up sometimes.

Don’t take all this to heart. Don’t feel shit. She loves you and you love her and you’re doing just fine.