5 year old pushing boundaries

[ExhaustedEvie]

I’m looking to see if anybody has any strategies that we’ve not thought of yet. Myself and my husband are feeling a bit burnt out and need the advice.

Our five-year-old daughter is very headstrong and can be quite emotional. She’s always been really good at going to bed in the past, but recently has started playing up. We’ve been doing the technique of having three strikes if she’s messing around and then banning the iPad the following day. She gets very upset when this happens and is really sad the next day, but then does the same thing again the next night. I think on occasion my husband’s maybe caved and given it to her early so I do think this is an issue but I think it’s affecting more than sleep currently. I find I’m giving her a boundary like do not throw your toy on the floor or else I will take the toy away and you will not have it anymore. Then, when we take the toy away, she gets very upset and will cry for hours. I’ve tried to run through with her that this is a consequence of her actions. Etc

I feel like I’m not sure where to go from here. I think making sure me and my husband are both doing the same consequence and not giving in is an obvious one to improve, but I’m wondering if we flip it a little bit and if anybody’s got any advice on this.

Currently, the iPad is an expectation, not a reward. She has it all the time and only gets it removed when she doesn’t bad. Whenever she has like a punishment, she responds really bad to this and really emotionally for a long periods of time. But I have noticed at school, she responds really really well to praise. So for example, if she gets lots of stickers, she will generally find it easier to maintain being good and this year that he just had this strategy and it’s been much better than last year. I was wondering whether to introduce the iPad as a treat only thing and whether that could be something she could earn. Does anybody have any ideas of anything else that could work? I feel like we’re tearing my hair out.

Take the iPad away for ever.

Ditch the iPad completely it's so unnecessary. Stock up on pre bedtime calming activities like stickers, colouring, loom bands, lego, puzzles.....things that help her use her brain and her hands.

Completely agree about taking away the iPad. She doesn’t need it and it won’t be doing her any good. She will definitely have a major tantrum, might even last a few days but then she’ll get over it . Don’t take it away as a punishment though. Just tell her it stopped working so you had to throw it out or something unrelated to her behaviour

A 5 year old with an iPad huh. None of our 4 under 5 have one and none of our under 8 have one

I agree that the iPad has to go and think saying it has broken is the way to go.

Then I’d work on a lot of positive reinforcement. Talk about behaviour expectations, and how if she goes to bed without acting up (for example) she can get a sticker, and when she gets 5 (or 10) she can get a reward (figure out her currency). But 100% she doesn’t need an iPad.

It’s hard when you get locked into a cycle like this. Young children often respond better to positive reinforcement rather than consequences so this could be something to try to move to. I would try shaking up bedtime completely and introducing other activities to keep it fun. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of phasing out / reducing iPad time - just introduce something else fun so she doesn’t miss it too much. Try to catch any little moments of good behaviour and heap praise on her for them - she’ll want to repeat it to get more praise.
Be kind to yourself - five year olds can be very trying! She’s probably exhausted from being at school all day and it’s coming out in the evenings.

She’s addicted to the iPad ,take it away.

Thanks everyone. This has been quite an eye opener when my husband and I read this. I like the idea of saying it’s broken and introducing other activities. I also like this idea of a sticker chart!

Also thanks for being super kind!

I think I’d flip the approach a bit. At 5, a delayed consequence like “you messed around at bedtime, so no iPad tomorrow” is quite disconnected from the behaviour, especially if she’s getting really distressed but then doing exactly the same thing the next night (aka not working) - it doesn’t seem to be teaching her what you actually want her to do.

I’d make consequences immediate and related to the behaviour, and focus much more on reinforcing what she does right. The three-strikes system also sounds quite stressful for everyone because so much becomes “do this again and you’ll lose something.”

You’ve already noticed she responds really well to praise and stickers at school, so I’d really build on that. More “you did X really well!” and earning something positive, rather than constantly having things taken away. Boundaries can still be firm, but they don’t always need to feel like punishment.

Consequences have to be immediate but also logical. When DS messes about it means we don't have TIME for whatever treat or pudding or activity.

But I absolutely agree. Get rid of the iPad. DS has a short amount of TV on a weekend if he's been good and I can tell things are starting to get abit intense and I need to cook dinner, or I'm putting his clothes away in his room. TV on a week night just does him no good at all and I did buy him a tablet but he decended into someone else entirely so that was just put away and I don't actually know where it is.

But. We have a huge garden and spend about 2hrs outside every evening after school and most of the weekend outside. Kids need to move and have the sun on them and have fresh air and space to build ramps and dig holes and get that energy out

I’ve got a similarly headstrong 5yo OP so I can relate to your struggles!

I agree with the others that the iPad has to go. I’d never give mine an iPad, as I can see that it would be a recipe for disaster. In fact, we probably only have the TV on once or twice a month - they don’t crave it most of the time and are happy with doing Lego or drawing or playing games.

I think it might help you to get out of the trap of “if you do x, I’ll remove y”. I have a real tendency to turn to this sort of thing, especially when I’m tired. But it usually causes a kind of stalemate where everyone is miserable. My husband never really uses this approach and he’s shown me how the children respond so much better to positive feedback and turning things into a game as much as possible. The eldest also is a sucker for a competition like “first one into PJs is the winner”. I still hold a firm boundary but I try not to use threats and just stay calm and enforce the boundary. Which is harder said than done!

One thing I've found useful is separating what we do in the difficult moment from what we practise when everyone is calm.
When they're already really upset, lots of explaining or consequences can sometimes just give them more to process. Something short like, “You're really disappointed. The answer is still no. I'm here while you're upset,” can be easier.
Then later, when everything is fine, we can talk through the same sort of situation: “Imagine you really wanted the iPad and Mum said no, what could you do next?” We try to come up with two or three possibilities rather than looking for one “correct” answer.
I've been building little scenarios like this for my own parenting project because practising the situation when nobody is upset seems much easier than trying to teach the skill in the middle of it.