How do you cope with feeling unsupported by your mum?

[Nurturegrow11]

Hello,

I’m hoping someone has experience that can help with this.

I’m feeling deeply unsupported.. it’s a strange feeling. Growing up I lived with my mum and stepfather after about 5. It was always a difficult environment. Unpredictable anger and not a lot of warmth. I used to gather food and think of running away as a child, but didn’t do it. At 15 I asked my mum to leave together, but she wouldn’t. The general attitude was that they treated me like I was an inconvenience and wouldn't help me. It was an aggressive, cutting atmosphere, from my step father mainly. I thought he was driving it. They would never help me with advice, emotional support or financially. The lack of advice or emotional support was brutal at times. I still managed to do well at school whilst living at home as there was nothing else to do.

At 18 I moved across town in with my boyfriend. The two of us. I couldn’t stay any longer at home and fortunately he was a bit older than me and working. We lived simply. Spent £10 a week on food and often ran out of £s for electricity on the meter. We were together for 3 years until a family tragedy/death when he didn’t support me and I realised we should separate.

I spent much of my 20s and more than half my 30s running really, with insecure housing, not enough money, trying to get work (I did have a degree.) I had some dangerous times when I ran out of money. Friends helped me a few times. I had been an A / B student, very diligent, never in trouble at home, but for some reason my mum and step father wouldn’t help me. I felt like my step father almost made sure I had the feeling of being on my own.

Fast forward my mum thankfully divorced about 10 years ago. I thought our relationship would improve. Other family were involved in helping her leave. I’ve always been in touch, I always make an effort with her, on the surface the relationship may seem normal. But the problem is, she is still not there for me.

I finally bought a house and got married, late after all the struggle. We also now have a 2 year old. I thought my mum would be present for them/us as most people are excited to have grandchildren (I’m an only child.) I know that maybe seems naive, but I just thought so.

My problem now is, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I still feel so deeply unsupported as I did growing up. I thought I got through it. I did, long ago.. but I did not realise having a baby you need support again, really from family. There are no other grandparents to have some support from. I’m really just talking about emotional support, words of kindness, understanding. My mum refuses to use a smart phone, so I can’t even send photos or videos.

When our baby was born my mum only wanted to visit for a few hours, despite the long journey each way. I insisted she came overnight. There we were with a baby a few days old out of NICU, trying to insist she visit us. We’d see her months between. She has never seemed to really understand she should be there for us. Or that most people would want to be. I have made a effort with lots of friends, I even was referred by our health visitor to a charity that has a volunteer come to meet you with your child.. but I feel I want and need the relationship with my mum or family and feel so deeply unsupported.

I do things for her, I’ve even told her if we have enough money one day (which we absolutely don’t currently!!) we’ll try to help her buy a nicer house. I try to give her the feeling I support her.

But I feel stretched emotionally, without this support myself. I haven’t found a way to overcome it. I am persistent, work hard, etc etc, but I still feel this deep sense of feeling unsafe and unsupported.

I did lots of therapy growing up. I guess the experience with our baby caught me off guard.

I’d love to have a second child, but I don’t know how we’d manage (emotionally, really.) I feel it didn’t have to be so hard, but my mums approach was so shocking. When I think back that I had a few day old baby, fresh out of intensive care and I had to insist she came.. I also ended up seriously ill in hospital after 1 year (first time ever apart from birth, almost a week) and she didn’t come then either. My attitude to family and friends is so different.

Has anyone fully overcome a deep sense of being unsupported? And found a way to feel supported, even without it.

Thank you for reading 🙏

Unfortunately she's a shit parent, and shit parents don't make good grandparents. I think the only way forward (if you want to move forward, it would also be fine to fade her out) is to acknowledge that you will never get any support from her and at best you might manage a superficial relationship like that of a distant colleague. If that's bearable, then maintain contact. If not, then I'd stop making any effort. Hugs.

I'm sorry, I understand completely how you are feeling. I don't have any advice but hopefully someone will come along soon with some. Some days I find I am fully accepting of my situation and other days I realise I am not, and hate how that makes me feel. Sending love.

Thank you @Anothercake

I forgot to mention, we are living in a city and I really feel I need to move to the countryside.

My mum suddenly says she wants to move house. I asked her if she can wait a while to maybe live nearby and she says she won’t.

My husband thinks she should move abroad (nearby country) but I don’t feel it’s right to leave her.

At what point am I doing enough, or not? I’ve spent decades trying. But as this post says, I really would like mutual support.

Im honestly the kind of person that believes in caring for an aging parent, but she makes it so difficult

Yes I can relate. I’ve spent most of my life grieving over the lack of care/interest/emotional support. I’ve just had to distance myself and accept the way she is.

Thank you, I completely understand this.

Also sorry my post is long xx

I thought I'd dealt with a difficult relationship with my mum but found it difficult again after I'd had a child.
Someone told me that this might be because I was seeing the things I hadn't had with her. I have/had a great relationship with my daughter and part of me realised I'd never had that closeness with my mum. Everything was new to me in a 'normal' relationship.
I agree that rubbish mums usually become rubbish grandmothers- my own daughter made me realise this so I stopped trying to fix things.

Just stop trying so hard. You are wasting time, effort and emotional energy. If the relationship was going to improve, it would have by now.
I'm sorry you have a mother who doesn't want to be one. It's difficult to accept. But ultimately you have to come to terms with it.
You can't change her. It's not your fault.
Step back, match her energy.
Then be at peace with this & live your life with your little family & enjoy what you have. Be the mother you wished you had.

OP, genuinely, you are doing the classic thing of using ‘shoulds’ with someone you know perfectly well can’t or won’t fulfil the role you think she should be playing in your life. It’s not going to happen, ever. You say she didn’t help or support you when you were a child living at home, and during various risky periods in your subsequent life, so, respectfully, it’s ridiculous to blame her lack of support for your inability to have the second child you want. It’s a decision you need to make based on what you want and can manage, yourself, with your partner and whatever ‘village’ you’ve built yourself (friends, neighbours, paid childcare etc).

She’s not the mother you would have liked, and as someone who also had a grossly, dangerously inadequate mother, who has no idea she didn’t do a good job, because she herself was the child of a twisted, unhappy, vindictive mother, I absolutely sympathise. It’s a real handicap because you missed out on some of the fundamentals of good parenting in childhood. But you’re a grown up now, and a mother yourself, and you need to find a way to no longer be defined by longing for a different type of mother. It’s wasting a lot of emotional energy on a relationship that is never going to give you what you want. I’d suggest therapy again for a start. I’ve found it helpful.

Yes, being the mother you wished you had is an important point.

I made peace with the fact that my Mum is a product of her own upbringing and she's not motivated to try anything in different in how she relates to me. In my 20s I offered to spend more time with her etc, but she's just not interested in having more than a very superficial relationship with me. We make small talk for an hour every other week and I go to visit her a couple of times a year and that's the extent of our relationship. In my 40s, I now know not to expect anything more from her and I'm fine with that.

Do you have a closer relationship with your DH and DC? For me, a big part of healing has been nurturing more emotionally close relationships with people who I chose to have in my life. I enjoy spending time with friends and DH's family who have close bonds with their children. It reminds me that there are loving and warm people out there and the world isn't all coldness and negativity. The flip side is if someone treats me badly, I find it relatively easy to cut them out of my life. I get enough negativity from my Mum, that I just don't need any additional from people I'm not related to.

@greywolfie thank you, I do think this is a big part of it.

Our toddler is so sweet and I cannot understand how anyone would refuse to support me all those years and just generally be happy and enjoy!

Can I ask how old your daughter is and how long it took for you to come to terms with this (roughly?)

Also, did you have to deal with aspects of feeling responsible for your mum, when she isn’t there for you? My mum is healthy, but I’m not sure in good conscience I can live elsewhere (when I am an only child.)

For context I lived abroad when younger as I felt I had no place here. We are considering moving nearer to her also in the UK. But she doesn’t live in a nice area and says she won’t move. (She moved there from another part of the UK 10 years ago.)

I think the hard lesson I had to learn personally is to just let go of my mum. I couldn't parent her I couldn't do "enough" so that she would suddenly reciprocate so she would suddenly want to be part of my life. It was always my fault and it was exhausting Trying to bend over backwards to help her. I too thought you should look after your parents as they age etc we made costly decisions to put her first. It only caused us more stress and grief. Ultimately she isn't good for me. The same way it wouldn't be healthy for me to chase after a relationship with a toxic boyfriend them being a parent doesn't make it ok its still just as unhealthy for you.

My advice is to drop the rope op. Look after your family. Put yourselves first. Do not make any big or costly decisions to look after her or based on having a relationship with her. If she wanted to be the mum you need she would of by now.

Get back into therapy. Having a child puts a new lens on all of this and reopens up those wounds. The more I live my life for me the more I accept it. It still stings when I see a doting grandparent but there is nothing I can do to make that a reality for me. My husband is my biggest support and friends. I'm sorry op it is truly shit.

I'm my mum's only child too. One lucky thing is that she's always said she doesn't want me looking after her when she's older! She has told me this since I was a child.
She actually moved further away from me a few years so I think she's made her own bed. It works for her being alone.
My daughter's an adult now and doesn't have much of a relationship with her. She was about 7 when I realised things weren't suddenly turning golden. When she became a teen she chose to pull right back and they don't have much contact.
My mum does love us in her own way but it's not a love we fully understand.

Unfortunately, some people are just not good parents. You've had a lifetime of being unsupported by your mother so what you're doing wrong here is expecting or hoping that she will change. She won't.

If you can reach an acceptance of what is, rather than keep hoping for something that can never be, your life will be a lot easier. She is not capable of giving you what you want, she doesn't have it in her. Only by accepting this can you be at peace.

Maybe it would be good to talk this through with a therapist. You can't change your mother's behaviour, you can only change your response to it. She has been quite clear that she doesn't want a close relationship, she doesn't want to live near you or help with her grandchildren. You need to accept that and stop trying to forge a closer relationship with her - this just leads to you feeling more rejected.

You have a little family of your own now - concentrate on that and enjoying your little one. Making new friends at this stage of life is important and friends can become the family you choose. You don't have to be related to someone to have close relationships.

You do realise not all people are the same? People don't all fit in a box you put them in

Wouldn't it better to focus on the xhild you chose to have

She is never going to be a good mother or grandmother. My feeling is that every thing was what suited your step father and her. I know woman who will put the men in their lives ahead of the kids they have. She could not even come to see you when you were seriously ill in hospital when you're baby was a year old.

At this stage I would step back with her. Ring her the odd time and call to see her when and if it suits you. Get some counselling to deal with this also.
I would just have one child if you have not a lot of support.
I would work on building up a network work of friends and you can get and give them support.
I would not be moving near her to provide care as she gets older either. She has shown no consideration for you or your life for year's.

I have a friend whose mother is similar to yours. Her mother has been mean with her money and time for year's. Her attitude is very much you can deal with and sort out difficult things or situations on your own. She never offers a bit of support, money or say would mind grandkids for a few hours to give the parents a break.
Recently she was asked for help by my friends sister. Once again she complained rather than give some encouragement and support.
My friend has tried for years with her mother but nothing is ever good enough. It all about her mother, her needs and what suits her.
At this stage my friend and sister have had enough of her behaviour.
They have decided to step back. They will visit and phone her when it suits them. They are also making plans so they won't be as available for help, to drive her places or for care in the future.

It’s a harsh fact OP but some people just aren’t cut out to be mothers. None of us are infallible, I’m certainly not perfect but I would always help my children in any way I could and would hate to think that they felt unloved or unsupported by me.

Unfortunately your mum just isn’t that person and no amount of pleading will force that within her. She prioritised your stepdad when you were a child which is unforgivable for a start. She has basically left you to fend for yourself your young adult life. She isn’t going to miraculously change now after years of being disinterested.

My advice would be to never expect anything of her, that way you can’t be disappointed. And do not factor her in any of your decision making, you owe her nothing. If you want to move then move, don’t let her influence you in any way. I would probably advise getting some therapy to process these feelings because it will have had a sub conscious effect on you. I’m really sorry for you op, I know it’s hard especially when you see others around you with strong support networks and amazing, loving mothers. Focus your energy into being one to your own child ❤️

You need to stop expecting any type of support from her. You have years of evidence that it's not the way she is. Make your support network/village from other people instead. Friends and their kids can be like aunties and cousins, nursery can be your reliable childcare. You don't need attentive grandparents even if it seems like others have this. Your family are your husband and your child, you don't need anyone else.

My own mother moved away when I was about 6. She used to visit but nowhere near often enough which upset me right through my childhood. Now I'm an adult she never offers any childcare and rarely visits unless it's at her own convenience. If anything major happens when we could do with some support she's always on holiday or too busy. I know that I'm not her priority, she's clearly just quite selfish. I know I can't rely on her so I don't.