Being ill as a SAHM feels relentless with no day off

[Curlyfifteen]

I'm just venting, not sure any good can come from this. But right now I feel so fed up and frustrated. I have the flu. A few weeks ago hubby who works was ill, he took a few days off work and rested. I get sick and I have to just keep going. I am a SAHM there is no option to take a day off. I did two school runs, took little one to the park briefly to give her fresh air, cooked, did all the packed lunches. Hubby was workinng hard at his job which pays all our bills, I was alone dealing with tantrums and arguments and I just feel so fed up. We have NO help, no support, nothing. I get 15 hrs funded childcare but little one hates to be away from me so I only use 8hrs. I am exhaused and now have the flu and no one can help me. And it's no ones fault.

My dh took time off to look after the DC when I was ill the same as he would have to if I worked. Isn't that an option?

It felt more unfair when I was mildly ill but not bad enough to justify him staying off.

Imagine being ill and having a job as well as children to care for…

If it’s that bad your husband should take a day off. Unfortunately life goes on.

I think that’s the point isn’t it - you’d phone in sick from your job. You can’t phone in sick from parenting if there is nobody else to look after the dc.

Life does go on but it’s relentless and hard. And when you’re ill the expectation to just carry on as a sahm is unfair.

If it was actually flu you’d need him to take the day off. I felt like shit the other week but went to work and wore face coverings when with vulnerable patients and walked the dog and did the school runs. All feeling like shit. Most mums get a crap deal when unwell bit just SAHM. Of which I was for years also. Hope you feel better soon and stick Bluey on for a bit tomorrow!!

can your husband take a couple of days carers leave ? Or similar

When you're at home with a virus, just take it as easy as you can, so if you're doing childcare, or wfh, do the bare minimum you safely can, and don't bother cooking, just use easy cheats. Stay in PJs if you like.
Fewer people actually seem to go out to work these days when they have a virus, and staying in is much easier, as well as stopping spread, but it's true it's hard with a kid, but just don't feel you need to be perfect as you recover.

Sorry but you’ve got a heavy cold; not flu.

Sorry to hear you’re not well but you can look at using the same options that working parents have eg paid childcare. I work and when my children were small if I was ill I could take a day off sick but either me or husband would have to take them to nursery/school or they’d be home with us ill. Children still need feeding and bathing etc by working parents who are ill.

But if you have a job you can call in sick. As long as one parent can still get the child to nursery you can spend the day in bed/recovering. Yes, you still have to do drop off/pick up, dinner, bath and bed but that's not as exhausting as looking after a child all day whilst ill.

Hope you feel better soon @Curlyfifteen don't feel bad about doing the bare minimum today.

You are the childcare for your DC if you can’t do it your DH needs to take time off work to care for the children.

In the exact same way that if you weren’t a SAHM he would occasionally need to take time off to care for sick children or to accommodate childcare closures for training days etc.

I've always just got on with it. DH has taken time off or wfh when I've been recovering from ops but for a cold when I'm well enough to continue with school runs etc you just drag yourself out, use whatever paid childcare is available (I once used a gym creche then just sat in the cafe with my eyes shut). I wouldn't want to ask DH to take time off because that either gets taken off his AL which I'd much rather use for holidays, or he could take it as unpaid leave and I'd rather we had the money! It's not that different to people who don't get paid sick leave and just drag themselves into work, which I did when I was self-employed too.

Straight to bed when husband gets in. Tell, don’t ask.
And yes, it is one of the worst aspects of parenting young children, feeling
like no one gives a shit about you. Get well soon.

Exactly this.

Your husband needs to take time off.

this is very clearly unfair given he took time off when he was ill to rest. If he’d pushed through because money is tight that would be one thing. He didn’t.

Personally, I had a short stint at home (a few months) and it made me realize I could not be a SAHM. I loved it but 1) it was harder than being out at work and 2) I found no one appreciated or prioritised me. Kids don't care. Everyone just kept asking me how much do I love being at home. DH just left everything to me. We were very, very quickly slipping into a type of marriage that was honestly shit. I'm quite sad about it.

So you're a better woman than me by cracking on, really.

Everyone will say your DH should take time off work but that's very impractical. His salary is the only one coming in. Calling in because of a sick child looks very bad.

Personally, I had a short stint at home (a few months) and it made me realize I could not be a SAHM. I loved it but 1) it was harder than being out at work and 2) I found no one appreciated or prioritised me. Kids don't care. Everyone just kept asking me how much do I love being at home. DH just left everything to me. We were very, very quickly slipping into a type of marriage that was honestly shit. I'm quite sad about it.

So you're a better woman than me by cracking on, really.

Everyone will say your DH should take time off work but that's very impractical. His salary is the only one coming in. Calling in because of a sick child looks very bad.

You and our husband both decided to have children so it up to you both to work out a plan

Unless you have help nearby or your partner takes time off you just have to struggle through the day, maybe keep the dc off school. Don’t need to go to the park. Obviously weekends and evenings just take yourself off to bed and let the other parent look after you and the dc. It’s horrible isn’t it?

It's very hard to use paid childcare for random days at such short notice. It would be easier for a parent working PT to add an extra day but almost impossible for a SAHP to just rock up to a nursery with a child. That's the difference

You have my sympathy, OP. I do work but this weekend my husband was away and I was ill and looking after DC when unwell is so hard. I have such admiration for single mothers. I genuinely don’t know how they do it.

I took yesterday off and am only working on and off today so I am able to rest while DC is at school. Not resting just prolongs the illness so if it is really bad, perhaps ask your DH to take leave for a day so you can recover.

It's tough. I was a SAHM for years, and I think my DH took time off work twice - once when I had caught a stomach bug off the DCs, and once when I had real flu and could barely get out of bed for a wee.
The rest of the time it was down to me. He did loads round the house normally, and did what he could to help when I was poorly. He would make sandwiches for the DCs lunch and leave them in the fridge etc.
But I only did the bare minimum if I was really ill - didn't go out, quick snacks and meals from the freezer (I always kept a few portions of batch cooked meals in there for emergencies). Lots of stories, TV etc. DH would take over as soon as he got home.

Firstly, you shouldn’t be doing all that. You can rest with a toddler. Trust me, I’ve done it. I did 8 hours a day of work for months during COVID whacking my 2 year old in front of Blippi for the entire day loaded up with snacks. Needs must. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Stop going to the park and making lunches and spreading your germs around. You need to do the bare minimum to keep everyone alive.

You had children off to your husband as soon as he walks through the door. He does dinner and bath and bedtime and you rest. He also does the night wakings. He does all the parenting when he’s home so you can recover. Just like you did when he was ill.

We have an agreement that if one of us ill, the other takes care of the kids. This included DH taking the day off while I was on mat leave. Including when I had to go to hospital.