How can I support my pregnant daughter in an abusive relationship?

[AutumnleavesSam26]

Hi All,
It's been a very tough year and it started when my 18 year old daughter started dating someone I immediately didn't take to. He is textbook narcissist, she doesn't wear make up, doesn't go out, wears dowdy clothes, her mental health has declined, he has disrespected me refusing to leave, got banned from house by police for coming to my house whilst I wasn't there n smashing up her phone. Then I found out he has hit her a few times. They've been together 6 months he hit her after 3. And now she is pregnant. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. This is not the life I wanted for her. I advised her time and time again about contraception but I found in her diary this was planned. I am so scared for her future. How do I act with her when I want her as far away from him as possible as this is a tale as old as time. It'll only get worse for her. Even pregnant with a nice man she would find this difficult she can't book appointments by herself she can't get herself up in the mornings this is going to be so hard for her. And I hate him. Il have to have him here to look after her and he's already shown he has no respect for me.

I would say you need to focus on her and the baby, try to remain neutral on him.

Try to get in touch with her midwifery team to find out if they have a specialist team to support young parents. Does she have plans regarding living arrangements after the birth?

She's very early pregnant. She had pains so they did a pregnancy test and scan and said there's a sac and yolk but no featal pole. She has another scan this week. I don't think she's mature enough to live alone She is a young 18 year old with complex issues. We also have a very volatile relationship where she has hit me in the past and told me when I talked about him before this that she couldn't wait for me to die. I don't know how this is going to get better

What a nightmare for you. I think if it were me, as soon as I knew the pregnancy was viable and she is defo going through with it. I’d contact social services and tell them she’s in an abusive relationship. They need to be involved and she needs to protection. Have you been blunt with her and given her the scenario that he could hurt or kill the baby? It happens and she needs to wake up to that fact. I really hope you get something sorted ❤️

Sorry that sounds tough!

you can book an appt with her GP. They will call her for the appt. So long as she picks up the appt can happen. i do this for my 19 yr old who can’t be up at 8.30 to books

Hi I feel your worry and pain .. found my DD in a similar situation .. she thought sun shone out his backside .. but I could see through it from the start .. abusive , drink , verbal aggression , demeaning her.. . then turns on charm for his family making out my DD was mentally ill and unbalanced … I spoke to a Councellor who advised me to stay close to my DD and not react but be calm and talk to her about her worth and how much we cared about her etc .. I attended midwife appts with her as her (now EX ) partner was working and couldn’t always attend . I also gave our GP the heads up on the situation she was in … during pregnancy he was worse than useless - I didn’t agree to him moving in with us .. I was clear he could visit and stay over at weekends but not midweek - then just before baby was born they moved into a flat of their own - at this point the penny dropped for my DD she had mat leave and joined mother and baby groups met other new moms and really got to make a different friends set - they also talked about Situations with partners some good some not so good - she opened up to them and found her voice and her own feet .. before baby was 1 year old she kicked him out .. result ! My DD is a brilliant mum ! She had no issues adapting to motherhood and is loving her life as a single mum with her new mum friends … so hang in there .. stay close .. hold your nerve .. the baby could help her see what’s important .. good luck

Thank you so much for your message. This has given me hope

I told her the statistics that an abuser gets worse with pregnancy and afterwards. I gave her so much advice once I read her diary that she was trying to get pregnant but it's redundant. She says he's changed since he's been put on lithium and I'm like is this what you want for your life

Can you see if she’ll watch the bbc series killed by my boyfriend with you, it’s a true story and about a girl her age.
keep the message going to her that she always has you, she can always come to you for help, you’ll never say I told you so, and you will be there for her and baby.
if there is any evidence eg if he gives her a black eye and you have ring door bell footage to show that he did it, then calll the police to report on her behalf they can still prosecute. Keep a diary of incidents (eg email them to yourself with the same subject line so easily found) as this will help her evidence the abuse when they inevitably end up in family court.
let her get attached to baby and read up all about baby - the more she falls in love with baby the more she’ll feel a need to protect it.

You need to contact social services if the pregnancy is viable. If you can’t help your daughter you need to protect your grandchild from growing up in an abusive home.

It might just give your daughter the push she needs to leave him.

Thank you so much for your advice. I will put it on in the background she will probably cotton on and go mad at me she says I make her feel weird about her relationship and that I'm projecting my fear onto her. It's only because I see it from the outside I'm not in love with him. She never wanted children its another narcissist attempt at control

She would never forgive me. But I will do

She would never forgive me. But I will do

Thank you for your message. I have told her before I knew she was pregnant that abusive partners get worse in pregnancy and afterwards and she dismisses everything I say. He's taken so much and now he's taken her future

Looks like you will be raising this child someone has too so plan for this do not leave this child with them