Really don’t know what to do with 3 year old

[WipesandWine]

Please be kind because I honestly feel like I’m failing my LO. I have one 3 year old darling son. I absolutely adore him, but I am honestly at a loss as to how to help him or if I’m doing anything wrong as his parent.

His dad and I separated in February of this year (not my choice) and we have had a 50/50 co-parenting relationship ever since. We do not bad mouth eachother and only ever tell LO that we both love him etc. His dad doesn’t have a partner yet, I’m seeing someone but my son knows nothing about this whatsoever and I wouldn’t introduce him for at least a year. His routine with us stays the same, he has every over weekend with each parent and we split time during the week. He goes to nursery 4 days a week and spends one day with my ex’s mum (his nanny) who he adores. Initially, our son really struggled to adjust and it was heartbreaking but then it all seemed to settle down for a while but he seems to be really struggling and I don’t know if it’s still with the separation or something else.

He adores his dad and I thought my son and I had a great relationship but he is regularly getting upset when I come to pick him up from nursery and asking for his dad, getting really upset. He may be initially happy for about 1 minute to see me and will come up and cuddle me then it diverts to getting really upset for his dad. It’s worse if he’s tired or just had the weekend with his dad. His dad says he doesn’t really do this with him and only really ever asks for me if he tells him off. So I’m finding that really hard but of course I don’t blame our son but it honestly breaks my heart he just doesn’t seem happy that it’s me and not his dad. Particularly as his dad says he’s fine when he picks him up and doesn’t get upset it’s not me, so it makes me feel I’m doing something wrong that he’s not happy to leave with me. He’s fine when I get him home, it’s the initial pick up from nursery. I take him out regularly, treat him, spend time with him, rarely raise my voice. I just don’t get it! I must admit he doesn’t get a lot of time to play with me on weeknights I have him as by the time I finish work, collect him and do the dinner and evening routine etc, it’s bedtime so that’s the only thing but weekends we go out, play, be silly etc . I Always read to him and give him lots of affection, tell him he’s loved etc.

He’s also been hitting other children, staff etc a lot at nursery the last month and it’s becoming a regular occurrence. Nursery are calling me a lot to discuss incidents where he’s hit another child etc and they’re trying to see if they can spot a pattern/trigger but so far it only seems to be out of frustration or sat in group settings. He’s been hitting me a lot lately too at home and it’s always when he’s told no or to stop something, like he’ll ask for an ice lolly whilst I’m cooking dinner and I’ll say no not right now, you can have one after dinner if you eat your dinner etc then he’ll start smacking me over and over. I’ll tell him it’s not ok to hit me and after a couple of hits from him I’ll move away from him but he follows me and continues smacking me. Eventually I put him in his room for a time out and after a couple of minutes we discuss his feelings (he’ll usually says he’s frustrated), he’ll sometimes apologise and we’ll hug it out and move on and sometimes he’s still angry and refuses to say sorry but he is doing it a lot. His dad says he occasionally hits him but not that often but I think his dad will raise his voice in a really stern way and our LO just knows not to push it with him. We are both talking to him regularly about the incidents at nursery and also about him
hitting me and telling him that it’s not ok to hit anybody, but it doesn’t seem to be making much of a difference. When I talk to him about it he’ll usually just say child snatched a toy etc, so I’ll explain we don’t hit if a child takes a toy etc, although nursery seems to think it’s mainly in group settings.

So in short, I feel like I’m failing my son! Why is he getting so upset coming home with me and just wants his dad, but doesn’t get upset I’m not there when with his dad (not that I want him to be upset of course)? Why is he hitting so much at nursery? What am I doing wrong??

Apologies for the long post! I’m so upset and worried. I just want him to be happy but the hitting has to stop too.

Ahh OP this sounds so incredibly tough, especially on top of your recent separation.

I would say, your 3 year old sounds pretty normal. They get upset, can’t communicate and get cross. Unfortunately, in my experience, parental preference at this age is also a thing - but much more difficult to deal with if you’ve separated (a whole new layer of emotions).

That said, and again, just my experience, but some children just do not respond to more “gentle” parenting. My eldest (5) responds really well to it, and always has, but my 3 year old basically couldn’t give a monkeys about kind hands etc, and unfortunately requires a sterner approach to disciple. Just different personalities really.

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, and your son has been through a lot so is naturally going to be even more temperamental than most 3 year olds, but I do think a firmer approach might be necessary to get through to him.

Thank you so much for your response. He’s a good kid, I just don’t know how to help him through what is hopefully a phase. It’s also really hurting me he prefers his dad at the moment. Nursery are concerned about his hitting and have said considering he’s been with them since he is 1, his behaviour is beyond what they would have expect as normal levels of hitting but they want to work with us to try and help him through it. I just wish I had the answers or knew what to do but maybe you’re right, maybe I need to try a more stern approach.

I’m not a professional but the hitting sounds to me more like a response to what’s going on around him, it must be confusing especially when he doesn’t have the understanding to rationalise it yet. But my 3 year old has taught me that gentle parenting only really works for gentle children - she simply doesn’t respond to it in the same way as her sister, once I got tougher, her behaviour improved. It’s horrible because I hate being “stern” but it’s clearly been good for her in the longer run!

It’s really tough though when they prefer the other parent, but they do go in and out of phases. Plus, and I usually hate this phrase, they act up more in their “safe” place. The fact he’s unloading these feelings onto you, not his dad, is indirectly a sign that you’re his safe space and he knows he can unleash all those emotions and you won’t go anywhere. My eldest is a complete angel at school, and for grandparents etc, and then saves those huge built up feelings for me. The fact he feels comfortable enough to act out around you is actually slightly reassuring, although it definitely won’t feel like that for you!

This sounds so hard and I’m really sorry you’re going through it. I can’t help with the separation part but I just wanted to say I found age 3 very hard with my son. We’d just had a new baby and we also moved him from his familiar nursery to a new pre-school, and he found all the change unbearable. For about 3 months we had raging teary drop offs and every afternoon after pick up he’d act up for me which ended in me getting hit a lot. All while I had a newborn and was operating on minimal sleep so my patience was shot!

What helped a bit was to simply leave the room when he started hitting. I took away the audience for his behaviour. I’d wait a few moments then go back in and as if he could deal with his anger in a different way. If he hit me again, I left again. Then his dad would give him a serious talk when he got home and DS was calm enough to listen to it.

I know you’re separated but can his dad do more to show you’re a united front on the behaviour issues?

It’s hard to say if any of this helped long term or he just grew out of it. But I do think in his own way he was punishing me for having a new baby and I suspect you’re being punished for the separation. Which isn’t fair, but I think the sense of ‘betrayal’ feels greater from the primary parent.

I really wish you well, follow all the nursery advice and just do what you can. A close friend of mine got her 5 year old ‘play therapy’ when going through a separation but I’m not sure if your budget stretches to that.