Husband constantly losing temper with toddler

[LolaLo20]

We have two DS, oldest is 8 and youngest has just turned 3. My youngest has been having some horrendous temper tantrums lately, to the point where we are all becoming frustrated and on edge. My eldest son also went through this phase and I remember being in tears some days, so I do know this is just a stage.

However, I’m worried about how my husband handles it. He is (I feel) unnecessarily strict on our 3yo, constantly putting him on the naughty step when he has tantrums and shouts at him - and I mean SHOUTS. I’ve been on the top floor of our house and have heard him shouting at our youngest to stop, and even from two floors up it is so loud. He has never ever shouted at our eldest, yet screams and shouts at our youngest all the time.

I’ve tried speaking to my husband about it once he’s calm, and he said shouting at our youngest is the only thing that works. I pointed out shouting and screaming is never the answer and he never would have dreamed of doing it to our oldest when he was the same age.

I’ve also suggested counselling, as we have our own relationship issues too, but he won’t do it. Said he doesn’t want “someone messing around with our heads” 🙄 which is just ridiculous.

I am at my wits end and just looking for some advice

But it's ok for him to mess with a three year olds
Must be terrifying having a grown man shouting at him to that degree.

I'm not sure what you can do that won’t cause irreparable damage to the marriage if he’s unwilling to stop.
if it was me and my family I would report to social services because it needs to be recorded and if you did split over this, your child needs protection from him if he gets joint custody/ unsupervised contact.

There is absolutely no reason for a grown man to be shouting at a young child that loudly.

So you have two people in your home who throw tantrums.

I'd be asking your H to move out until he can guarantee he will stop his tantrums and devote himself to making everyone in the family feel safe when he is home. He is deliberately creating an atmosphere of fear in the home.

What your H is doing is terrifying to the 3 year old. You need to protect the child. Both children, actually, because the 8 year old is likely feeling frightened too, and is learning a horrible lesson about what men should permit themselves to do in their homes.

The response to your suggestion of counseling is completely unacceptable. You need to square up to him and tell him that.

Does your H have parents who live anywhere near? Call if so and ask them to take him in for a while. If not, he needs to find a cheap hotel.

Can you imagine how horrible and frightening it is for a 3 year old to have a great big man shouting and yelling at them? You need to be much firmer and tell him this has to stop, it's abusive. He's an adult and should be able to control his temper. I would tell him if he continues to abuse your little boy in this way, you are leaving and taking the children with you.

How is your 8 year old coping with their father’s anger??

Yep. Exactly this. What are you doing when you’re hearing him shout like this from the top of the house?!

I would tell him I didn’t want him to deal with my son’s behaviour anymore because he isn’t dealing with it calmly. Leave it to me.

Run. Don’t walk.