Struggling with the jump from one child to two

[bellsandbaubles23]

Hi, I don’t normally post on here but feeling very overwhelmed since having two children and don’t know how it will get better.

I have two gorgeous children, 3 & 4 months but since having the second I have had so many low days managing both together - it’s so much harder than I thought. And that’s despite 3 days of nursery for the eldest and lots of family help/ DH doing his fair share when not working.

I used to enjoy parenting one child so much, despite the harder bits, but my main fear is that this wont come back with two as there is just so much more work associated and much less time for play and activities. As well as just simply having two to manage and less focus on each as then I find behaviour gets trickier.

I thought it would start to get easier around
now, but the youngest doesnt like sleeping without being held - i know this is so normal but so hard with a toddler and the carrier is starting to hurt my back. I’d forgotten how hard babies in general were!

the eldest feels like their getting
bored as we used to do so much more together and that in itself causes havoc and creates more work. I miss spending time with them too as most of my time is with the baby even though i do carve out 1:1 time every day it never feels enough.

1:1 time with them individually is great, but so stretched thin with both and so tired too which is not helping.

Standards have been dropped in housework and food prep, which is also a bit sad.

I’m so hoping they get on and play together in the future and there are definitely sweet moments between them when I get a glimpse of what the future could be like and the benefits of 2.

Going from enjoying every day and thriving in mothered to now trying to survive the day is just not what I ever envisaged and if the enjoyment was there the hard work would all feel worth it.

Getting time for myself also feels a bit of a pipe dream right now as leaving both with anyone else feels a long way away.

I don’t know what I really wanted to get out of this thread but hopefully to hear the enjoyment really does come back, and I guess strategies to thrive rather than survive in these early months

You're in a really rocky age for both of them. But it does get better. I had the same age gap and really struggled with feeling like I wasn't giving my eldest enough time but the bond with his dad got stronger and he loves being an older brother.

My suggestions would be focus on making your eldest feel included as this helps their relationship down the line and also speak to the GP. I definitely had PPD and didn't see it until I was out the other side. You may not have this but it's worth discussing now rather than later as it can really change how you view things.

4 months is still very early on. I understand all of this, I had a similar age gap. I had to understand that I was not going to be able to give my oldest the same attentive, intensive, amazing parenting that she’s had previously. Standards were different, we did what we needed to do to manage each day and make the best of it. What she did have was a loving mother, she was always fed, we got out of the house to playgroups/ soft play and at home she’d have a bit too much screen time or I’d play with her while I had a baby in a sling. (If your baby doesn’t want to be put down, I’d recommend visiting a sling library to see if you can find something more comfortable or get the fit checked as they are SO useful). But now my younger one is nearly 2, I’m more myself, they’ve really bonded this summer and are friends, everything feels good and more like it used to and she has the strongest bond with both me and also her dad (who had to do much more of the parenting). Be kind to yourself, you are a loving parent and that will cover most things that you can’t do quite as much of as before, and you will find a new balance.

I can really relate. My oldest was 2.5 when the baby was born and it was really tricky for a while. I think until the baby could sit up on their own and was napping in a bit more of a routine, things were just total chaos!
My baby wanted to be held for every nap, so I’d spend at least one of those naps with my toddler on the sofa sharing snacks and watching his favourite tv shows. It was only for a few months and then the baby dropped naps / could nap in his crib and then things improved.
You’re in a pretty hard stage just now. You literally just have to do what you can to survive it.
My baby is 1 now and oldest is 3.5 and oh my
goodness, it’s so much better. Sometimes they chase each other around the house and I can just sit on the sofa and supervise! It’s waaayyyy better once the baby gets
more independent. You’ve got this!

It gets better. It really does. You do have to just survive - thriving is not necessarily realistic for now. Same with housekeeping standards etc. Just enjoy them and love them - it is so cliche but the time goes sooo quickly. If you feel it might be PND seek help sooner rather than later but otherwise it is just a hard phase and it WILL pass - quicker than you can imagine.

It does get better I have a similar age gap between my first and second they are now 9 and 6 they just do stuff together now and honestly don’t think they’d care if I wasn’t even in he house 🤣 which is pretty helpful as we’ve just had number 3 who’s also 4months!
i remember feeling so incredibly guilty all the time but actually he didn’t really notice his 121 attention had dropped I did get him super involved in helping with the baby too!

It’s a hard stage. Ours are 6 and 2 now and it’s still very hard, but it’s starting to get a little easier now the oldest is a bit more independent.

these have given me some hope.

It’s so hard I think with the lack of sleep making everything so much harder.