Struggling with my one year old and feeling at breaking point

[Magicmoo89]

My daughter has just turned one. She has always been a terrible sleeper, hasn’t slept through the night ever. I’m solo parenting due to my partner being in the army. I keep getting angry at her and wanting to hurt her, she constantly whines and whinges no matter what I do for her. I’m fed up and I’m tired, I regret ever having her. I literally feel like there is no way out and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have family, none of who have offered to have her but then why should they she is mine. My mum seems to think her having her so I can sort my shit tip of a house out is a break. Im
honestly at breaking point, I’m starting to hate her even though I wanted her so much I just don’t think I can keep doing this. It’s non stop, she whinges at everything, fights Every nap time (which is twenty minutes long) please someone tell me this gets better because how I’m feeling I just want to throw her away.

Does your partner know that you feel like this?

Are you in England? You need urgent help. Today. Your HV service will have an out of hours number and/or you need to contact NHS direct and get an emergency out of hours appointment today.

Is your mum local? Can you go over there now and give her the baby, tell her you need a break and you're having thoughts about hurting her.

If you're having thoughts about hurting your daughter then you need help. See your GP urgently and explain how you feel.
It's normal to feel irritated at being woken up during the night, but you appear to be feeling far more than irritated.

@Magicmoo89 i have had similar feelings and I don’t consider I needed urgent help and I don’t even know what this would look like. As far as I know, there is no provision in this country for a night nanny to come a few times a week so you can have a proper period of uninterrupted sleep. You would probably be given anti depressants and given some parenting helpline numbers which are rarely answered and even when they are you have your child with you so it’s difficult to focus and talk.

I am not trying to be bleak or anything but the reality is there is no help unless it’s at absolute crisis point with the removal of your child being a distinct possibility and even then no one will have her overnight so you can sleep.

I would probably look into sleep training. I think that’s probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

I suspect many posters will pile on with ‘get help get help get help NOW’ like it’s athletes foot or threadworms and you can pop into the pharmacy.

Does she have any allergies or reflux issues?

I would speak to the GP and demand something be done. At this age, they should be getting more sleep than that but it could be medical. Channel your anger away from your daughter and into positive energy to get support.

My daughter is a bad sleeper so I feel your pain but it isnt her fault, as much as it isnt yours. My daughter has been dairy free since 9 months and it has made a BIG difference. Shes now 16 months.

All my children were terrible sleepers. They he youngest is now 18 but I still remember the hell that it was.

im so sorry you’re going through this, i promise it does get better. Please do go and see your gp, there might be services you can access locally. In my case my gp prescribed anti depressants which actually really did help me. Even having you hv make extra visits might help a tiny bit.

much love.

Thank you everyone for your replies. As a poster said without my daughter getting taken away from me by social services the help I’ll receive will be a load of pills thrown at me. I haven’t hurt her, I leave the room when I’m frustrated and I know this isn’t her fault and she can’t express how she feels but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to struggle. I’ve taken the baby to my mums and had a good cry then come home. Maybe a few hours by myself will do me wonders as I haven’t had that in a long time.

Exactly this. Other than phone a crisis line what am I meant to do

It does get better but I do understand that’s no real help to you now. I remember getting to an awful point with my ds but did sleep training him at 18 months which helped. He still woke at 5 though.

You can self refer into social care on the emergency number if needed. I hope your mum can help more though. Could she do any overnights so you can sleep? Sleep deprivation is the worst thing and it’s no wonder you feel desperate. If you do have serious thoughts of harming her, walk out of the room (as you are doing). Seek the help, this will get better. Tell your family how you are feeling, if you were my relative I’d want to help.

We’re really sorry you’re struggling, OP. It sounds as though you’re exhausted and have reached breaking point.

If you think there’s any chance you might hurt your daughter, put her somewhere safe, such as her cot, step away and call someone you trust to come and help. If you feel unable to keep either of you safe, call 999.

Please contact your GP, health visitor or NHS 111 today if you feel you can't cope.

Can you pay for a night nanny to come for a few nights a week? It really helps with non sleepers!

Housework can wait. If you get time to yourself do something for you. Have a bath or a sleep.
Is army housing not an option so you have a support network around you?
Hope things improve for you and your little one but try to get help as PPs have said.

It is so hard for service families coping as virtual single parents. This must be such a challenge for you.
First of all the sense of desperation caused by lack of sleep is very real and most parents will have felt this. There is a reason sleep deprivation has been used by tyrants as a form of torture.
Secondly there are virtually no parents who have not wondered in these desperate moments why they every signed up to this parenting lark so you are allowed to have these feelings ... they do not make you a bad person.
Thirdly, this will pass I promise you. There will come a day when you look back on this period and think "Hell, that was awful, but what a lovely DD I now have."
Fourthly, asking for help is not a weakness. It shows strength of character and a willingness to be realistic and proactive in improving things.
Fifthly your baby will be fine if left to cry for a while. The pressure now to be a perfect parent simply makes life more difficult. When you reach these desperate moments, lay her down safely in her cot, leave the room and close the door. Make yourself a cup of tea and rest in a comfy chair and try some relaxation exercises ... there are loads online ... try Insight Timer.

After a year you are still at risk of post natal depression and you could talk with your GP about this.

Do not be afraid to talk to people about how desperate you feel at times. Reach out to those around you. 90% of parents truly will get it.
Are there any service family support options?
You say your family have not offered to help, but have you felt able to ask them? It might be good if you could. There is nothing wrong with letting your mum share some of the load occasionally ... it is not giving in. I remember when mine were tiny a friend came round, took one look at me and said she would take them away for the day to give me a break ... it made such a difference.
I know this is a hard time for you just now. Well done for reaching out to the mumsnet community.
Confession here: there was a day when mine were driving me nuts ... I guess they were 4 and 5 ... and I was premenstrual and totally at the end of my tether... and I put them in the garden and locked the back door. It was a survival strategy ... I knew the garden was a safe contained space and that they would be safer out there than with me.
Life is not perfect and little ones learn this quite young. It is a realistic lesson.

The important thing is to have a preplanned strategy for these crisis moments and to allow yourself to be human and to have needs of your own.
I am sending you a hand hold. Keep on reaching out.

Nursery. You need a break, we all do.

Do you work or are you with her 24/7? Is she in nursery at all?

Some babies are harder work than others. My eldest was the whiniest, high needs, most none sleeping baby there was. He got better from 1.5 (when he could walk and talk) and continued getting better, but is definitely still my most hard work, intense child now. I love him fiercely but still need lots of chunks of time away from him or I’d burn out. If you are with her 24/7 and family won’t have her I would seriously look at 2 days in nursery so you can look after yourself.

How are you today? Did you get any sleep? Hoping for a good day for you.

I feel a lot better today, my mum had her 11am-7pm and it did me wonders, she said she can have her more after I told her how i was feeling and how much im struggling. I guess i just needed a day of doing nothing.

I didn’t go back to work myself and my partner agreed that whilst we are in the position that I should stay at home with her but I’m maybe thinking she should go into nursery, even though i said I didn’t want her there. It’s good to know I’m not by myself, she’s definitely not easy, im not sure why I thought she would be

You said partner so I assume not married. You 100% need to go back to work. If your partner leaves you have no financial protection. Or you need to get married. She needs to go to childcare so you get a break. Going back to work has massively improved my mental health and made me a much better parent. Mine didnt sleep through til 20 months it’s so tough, can you cosleep if that gets more sleep? That helped us a lot.

So glad you told your mum how you are feeling ❤️

Mine was very hard work until she was able to communicate better coning up to age 2. If naps are 20 mins long then likely she needs longer awake before hand? And later bedtime so shes more tired?

Thanks for your reply but I don’t need to do anything. I was having a really bad day and didn’t come on here to talk about my finances or marital status.

I’m so sorry you are struggling, I found it so hard, my son was waking 5-6 times a night still at 12 months but he’s now nearly 3 and only wakes a couple of times now and we have odd days where he doesn’t wake at all (bliss). My son struggled with allergies and at 12 weeks we put him into nursery 1 day a week so I could rest, I was hallucinating I was so sleep deprived and was desperate for help. You are right when you say that there is no support, my gp was absolutely hopeless, nursery were a god send and the only people who helped and offered support. One of the ladies did the odd Saturday afternoon and still babysits now. It sounds like you’ve got your mum handy which is great, but if you are struggling don’t feel guilty about asking for help or using a nursery. I was judged by people who didn’t know the situation we were in, but for me, my son and my husband it was the best thing for us. I could be a better mum if I had sleep. I wasn’t depressed, I was just severely sleep deprived.
I hope her sleep improves, DH ended up co sleeping with DS which helped a lot, DH sleeps like a log and falls back to sleep really quickly when woken, but I’m a really light sleeper and take ages to fall asleep. It works for us for now and at some stage in the future hopefully he will be in his own bed.