I am really struggling with my two children lately (6 and 4). Usually I think I am a good parent. I try really hard to set clear boundaries, enforce those boundaries with a combination natural consequences, time out (mainly for the 4-year-old), and loss of privileges like screen time (mainly for the 6-year-old), and listen/talk to my children about how they are feeling. I want to say in advance that I love both of my children, they are both fantastic human beings, and I tell them that I love them every day...there is no lack of love in this house.
My 4-year-old has always been a good sleeper and a bit of a free spirit (high energy all day, and then just conks out). He has a 7pm bedtime and does not nap, and once is put to bed, he is out like a light. My 6-year-old (who has a 7:30pm bedtime) has developed a tendency to reject bedtime and refuses sleep despite being exhausted; he has also been exhibiting other behaviours around pushing boundaries regarding his independence and autonomy (refusing to poop regularly and sneaking snacks despite having refused meals and snacks). If it is relevant, the 6-year-old is highly intelligent and is being assessed for mild autism which runs in his father's family.
Recently, my children have had to share a bedroom because we are renovating the master bedroom and master bathroom of our house. The children are sharing a room so that my husband and I are not stuck sleeping on the sofa for six weeks. Let's just say, it has not been going well.
My 6-year-old has been waking his brother when he goes to bed and keeping him awake by playing, talking, and encouraging him to shout down to my husband and I to say they can't sleep. I know it is the 6-year-old doing this because the 4-year-old is very much asleep when I put the 6-year-old to bed, and the 4-year-old has told me that his brother wakes him up.
The first night, my husband and I agreed to let it slide because sharing a room was a novelty. The kids wound up staying awake playing until well after 10pm. We also woke at 5am to the sound of the children playing catch with their stuffies. At this stage, I went to their room and told them it was not an appropriate time to wake up and that they needed to go back to sleep until 6:30am. I wound up having to go in an additional three times to tell the children to get back into bed and be quiet until 6:30am.
On the subsequent nights, we took a harder stance. We made it very clear that bedtime was not playtime, that nobody was to wake their sibling, and that even if they could not sleep they were to lay in bed quietly to be respectful to those who are trying to sleep. They were told that if they did not follow those bedtime rules, they would be losing screen time privileges for the next day. The 4-year-old continued to go to sleep straight away, and the 6-year-old did not wake his brother for a few nights at bedtime, but they continued to get up at ridiculously early times in the morning to play. I took away screen time for both children because of this, but it has had little effect whatsoever (minus the fact that both children are constantly whining that they want to watch TV or play Nintendo, and then I have to explain again why they are not allowed to do this, so it feels like me who is actually being punished).
Last night was at its peak. My 4-year-old had an accident in the bed at 2:30am (fair enough, it happens), so I got them cleaned up, changed the sheets, and put them back to bed. I reminded them that it was the middle of the night and that they needed to go back to sleep. From 2:30 onwards, both children spent the night talking, laughing, screaming, playing, and jumping from the bed to the floor. I went in every fifteen minutes to tell them to knock it off and go to sleep, and every time they got back in bed and agreed to do as they were told. Looking back, I know that what I was doing was ineffective, but I was so exhausted from the lack of sleep lately that it didn't click in my mind that I should stick one of the children in the bed with my husband and stay in the bed with the other child. At 6:30am, my husband and I sat down with the children, read them the riot act, and took away all screen time for the rest of the week and removed toys from their bedroom. It was not a pleasant morning, but we managed to keep calm despite it being fairly obvious that we were sleep deprived and furious.
So here we are this evening. My husband went out after work with his Dad, which left me with the kids. Totally fine, I figured we'd have the same sort of evening as usual. I put the 4-year-old to bed at 7pm. He was still awake at 7:30pm when I put the 6-year-old to bed, did the bedtime routine as I usually do, reminded them of the nighttime expectations, and left. The laughing and giggling started up as soon as I shut the door. I immediately opened the door and told them firmly to stop talking and go to sleep. It started again as soon as I closed the door. I went back into the room and yelled at them, telling them that they were behaving disrespectfully and that they needed to stop fooling around and sleep like big boys, not toddlers. I went downstairs. I could hear them talking and giggling, but decided for my own sanity to stay downstairs for a while and cool off. An hour later, the 6-year-old shouted down that they couldn't sleep.
And I lost my shit. Honestly, I felt like a woman possessed. I was yelling and crying and just completely at my wits' end. Naturally, the 6-year-old started crying too, so then he was in hysterics but I couldn't deal with his overtired meltdown when I was having one of my own. I took the 4-year-old to the bedroom I am staying in and had him go to sleep in there (he passed out within two minutes).
I went back up to see the 6-year-old half an hour later and he was still sobbing, so I tried to talk to him. But he was being rude and defiant, saying that he doesn't have to sleep if he doesn't want to and that I can't make him. I told him that if he doesn't get enough sleep, he will wind up getting sick, and he says he doesn't care. So he started having a tantrum. I couldn't deal with the tantrum and left.
So now I'm sitting downstairs, a complete mess, while my sleep-deprived, exhausted 6-year-old is screaming in his room. I want to go to bed, but I can't because the 4-year-old is there, and I can't move him back to the other room.
Honestly, I feel like such a failure as a parent. I feel so ineffectual and useless that a 6-year-old can walk all over me like this. I am essentially a walking zombie at this stage.
If anyone has any advice or ideas or even commiserations, I would appreciate it. I have no idea what to do. I just want to cry and sleep.