Feeling uneasy about relaxing while the children are at school

[MamaOf2Boys26]

Would be grateful for thoughts on this one. Up until recently I've been a working mum, balancing work and home. A few months ago I took voluntary redundancy and do now find I can breathe a bit whilst supporting elderly family members (two live with me) and the kids. It just occurred to me that I have free time whilst the kids are at school so I can do more things for me rather than just chores until they get home. I find it easier to do outdoorsy things but at heart I'm a homebody. However, I feel really uneasy spending a morning or afternoon watching a film or reading a book whilst they are at school, particularly as there are always chores to do. I don't want to fall into laziness and I do want to gear back into getting into the working world eventually. Not sure what I'm asking here but any thoughts/ advice appreciated.

Well, back when you had a job and no children and no responsibility for elderly relatives, did you ever relax in the evening? Did you ever relax on the weekend? I’m guessing you did!

Now that you have kids and other caring responsibilities, your working hours are very different - they’ll include early mornings, evenings, weekends. But you probably spend as much time on caring duties as you used to spend at work.

So it makes sense that you would still take time to relax sometimes, that’s just going to be at different times now.

And relaxing is an investment in your long term health and happiness, which are important both because you are important and because your caring responsibilities matter to you and you need to stay well to be able to do them well.

You're still doing things, and there will be times they're relaxing while you're busy, so don't feel guilty. Even if you were "just" retired and doing nothing else, you have been the one busy with school and work in the past, and deserve your break now.

What PoloThePolarBear
said! You’re just on a different timetable now. And everything will never ever be done so we need to get a break somewhere!!!

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your kind words. Xx

I sympathise. I work freelance, am in my third trimester and have a 3 year old at preschool. I am in a bit of a sparse patch work wise, a lot of people want someone for longer projects atm. I am sure I will pick up a few short term things but I have had a week or so at home. I actually need to rest more but am finding it hard to switch off from everything my family needs me to accomplish.

I've found that as the children grow, their demands on us reduce a little. This naturally gives us some more free time or just a little extra breathing space. Guilt can easily creep in, as in the early stages, our concentration, efforts and attention are entirely focused on the children.

As this switches, and they become a little more independent, or our lives/circumstances change, providing a little more time for us too, it's easy to feel as though we shouldn't be enjoying it or uncomfortable when we do something for ourselves.

One thing I always try to remember is that others always benefit from having the best version of us – and we can only be at our best if we do allow ourselves some time doing the things that help us relax, sleep, rest, feel better, etc. Being at our best means other people get a much better version of us to help and support them.

I feel like this too, I have 2 days a week where I am off while they are at school and I feel like I can never relax during this time. I have to be doing chores/exercise etc. If DH is off work then I do relax more, but I feel that I should be ‘working’ as he is also working.

💯

Honestly got such a strong protective visceral response to this. If only every woman could get the support needed to feel able to wind down during pregnancy.
Wishing you all the best during your final trimester @Purpleelephantsandunicorns . Absolutely give yourself permission to wind down. My realisation through all these helpful responses is that we won't get these opportunities often and to make the most of it. The key is how to mentally protect ourselves from thoughts that we aren't doing enough. Even if others infer that we are not doing enough, what can we do to build a mind fortress where we absolutely believe we are worth prioritising ourselves.

To be fair my DH is being a star and pushing me to take it easier. It is my internal voice that keeps telling me I need to sort this and that.

You and the lovely people here are right. I am drawing from this thread as well. We must take it more easily. I am doing so more since posting the above as I had a minor scare with my pregnancy and it has convinced me that I must.

Somehow, I feel better if I get up early ish and get the chores done in the morning. Having a rest or break after lunch feels more reasonable to me that relaxing in the morning and getting things done in the afternoon. Maybe be based on very old patterns, my mother did housework in the morning then we (pre school age) listen to ‘listen with mother’ on the radio and then was put down for a nap while my mother listened to ‘afternoon theatre’

tbats s long way round suggesting you relax whenever suits you really.

I sometimes find it useful to ask myself: ‘What would a man do in this situation?’

If the children were at school and there was nothing urgent to do at home, he would be chilling out guilt free!

Don't feel guilty, enjoy your free time!

I don't really relate to these sorts of threads. I work part time and on my non working days I feel it's a total waste of I spend it all on chores. I could go full time and employ cleaners etc, but you only get one life and reading in the garden when it's warm enough to do so is one of life's great pleasures. I feel guilty being lazy if it's at someone else's expense but never simply because I could be doing something more ", productive". I could equally be doing something much more destructive to society or the planet so why not feel proud that I'm doing something as innocuous as relaxing? In any case it's good for those we care for and otherwise interact with, and we are less likely to be a burden on the NHS, if we have to measure things in these ways. Is probably just as healthy as a going to the gym, from that perspective.

I feel the same. Particularly when my husband is working, I run around like a headless chicken trying to get things done. He has a more relaxed time at work, more breaks etc than I do!
For me it is a product of how I was brought up, always had to be doing something "useful" (despite the fact they didn't!). It's hard to change that mindset for me when it's so ingrained.

Hit the nail on the head there! We inherit our habits and it's incredibly hard to shrug them off x

Love this. Thank you x

Such a great suggestion. Thank you x

I think it's helpful to examine where your beliefs came from. did someone else do this behaviour or has someone shamed you in the past/present for not doing enough?

Some house stuff I did before taking the children to school such as unpack the dishwasher and put a load of laundry on. The I would do the school run, then crack on with household stuff.

Once lunch rolled around my time was my own, I had a lovely leisurely lunch compared to the 30 minutes I used to have at work. In early afternoon I would drink a cup of tea, slowly, savouring the taste and then read or watch a film. Also consider a little nap or an uninterrupted bath. It is bliss.

That meant 3 hours every morning to the house and then the rest of time before school pick up was mine. I had a 3 week menu plan with 6 week swap outs and a supermarket food delivery. The house ran like clockwork as I saw it as my job.

Ask yourself why sitting down would be considered "lazy". And also the house is probably never done, there is always something but does it need to be done right now? Probably not, so put your feet up, take time for you.