We cannot have our 18 year old living with us anymore, what can we do

[Cranberry12456]

We cannot have our 18 year old living with us anymore, what can we do? He steals, lies, takes drugs, won’t do as we ask, disrespects us and and the house. Won’t get a job, has just started at a second college and already they’re having problems with him. I’ve had enough. He was diagnosed with autism last year and is awaiting an ADHD assessment but I don’t feel he can blame everything on this. I can’t tell you how many things we’ve done to try and help him but everything we do gets thrown back in our faces. It seems like he just wants to do nothing but laze around smoking weed and I’m at the end of my tether. I don’t like who he is anymore and I don’t like living with him, we’re always living on a knife edge. Sometimes he gets physical too which is a worry if my husband isn’t here and I have to deal with him on my own. I have a younger child too to think about and protect from this. When we’ve had a massive argument before I’ve told him to leave and not come back but he then he turns up in the middle of the night banging on the door.

Any advice on where we can go from here would be really helpful. I know I sound like a terrible parent, but honestly I’ve been trying everything I can possibly think of years and nothing is ever enough.

I wouldn’t have him there if he behaved like this, I’d explain to him that either he ships up or ships out, he’s an adult and he has a choice.

he would have to turn up at your local housing office and tell them he’s been made homeless. You would have to stand firm and say he cannot come home. Then if he’s lucky he will get temp accommodation in a crappy b and b.

I'm sure if explaining could do the trick then OP would not be here asking for help.

OP you have to ask him to leave and mean it. You need to send him down to the council where they will assess him as a young homeless applicant. And if he turns up in the middle of the night you have to keep the doors locked and call the police. It's harsh and difficult but that's the only way to get him out.

As a young person he wouldn't end up in a bed and breakfast for very long. Ideally he will be placed in young people's supported accommodation.

You can see the neurodiversity (I'm ADHD and medicated so coming from a place of understanding) as a REASON not an EXCUSE. Life is harder with ADHD, but it isn't an excuse not to do your best.

Am sorry you are going through this, it sounds hard. You might have to be really tough and get him to leave.

What a horrible situation - all the more difficult as he is legally an adult so you may not be able to take charge and do something like sending him to rehab (assuming you had the money and a place was available)

How does he get money for weed? Can you cut off all supplies of money from you, or would that turn him into a dealer?

You are right, autism and ADHD are no excuse. DS2 has both and has never behaved this way.

All you can do is say you love him and clearly you want to help him overcome his weed habit, his violence, his problems at college but you cannot do this for him and you cannot live with him while he is taking drugs, violent, thieving, lying and abusive, so you have no choice but to kick him out for good, the very next time he transgresses any of these extremely normal requirements. If he wants to stay living with you, if he wants help, he has to attend NA every day, he has to get back on track at college and move away from anyone he thinks is a friend who is actually enabling him to ruin his life and his family connections. Next time he steals, uses drugs or is violent, call the police and press charges. What else can you do? he will be furious and blaming and until he is ready to turn his life around, it's unlikely this will work. But you have to set boundaries that in no way normalise or compensate for his behaviour.

I think unfortunately if he comes banging on the door in the middle of the night then you just have to call the police and not back down.

As you said it’s not just you you’re thinking of but your younger child. I can see this playing out in years to come and the relief they will feel when their older brother finally left. It’s sad but you are right, it is too much. The risk of being physically at risk is another issue where I think even though he’s only 18 and your son, you need to ask him to leave and stick to it.

I'm not a lawyer but I'm pretty sure you have no legal obligation to house him after his 18th birthday. I think you'll have to tell him to go and then change the locks etc. Stick to your resolve. But get legal advice first.

Ideally yes. Not my experience sadly as somebody who worked with teens.

It's the drugs, sadly. My brother was on them, same thing, lost his job, wouldn't engage, stole gold to see, just aggressive and wanted to stay in bed. Final straw was hitting mum - dad rushed back from work and he was thrown out. On the streets at 19.

There comes a point where you have to protect yourself and if he is totally unwilling to engage/accept help then there is little left, as sad as it is. My brother sorted himself out by the way. Lives in a flat with his fat, spoiled cat.

Shapes up or ships out. But yes, enough is enough.

Is it Class As as well, or "just" weed?

If it's the former - and I'd honestly do this tomorrow, if it was one of mine - get him arrested.

He can either wake up and learn some respect, or go and fuck his life up somewhere else. How dare he behave like this.

If just weed I don't think they arrest, but you can still report him. If he kicks off because of that, and causes damage or injury then they will arrest.

Heartbreaking for you OP, but they're making their own decisions at this age, for better or worse.

Hi. Sorry this is really hard. But tbh your options are limited. The local authority will be unlikely to house him.

Your best bet is to call the police next time he is violent and have them remove him. Then you can refuse to have him back and someone somewhere may find him a place.

I will bring up a thread you might find useful (though depressing).

The other option is to a NVR course and sit bit out with him.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parents_of_adult_children/5532703-is-anyone-a-reluctant-carer-for-an-adult-child?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Having seen a similar situation play out in my family it’s very hard but you have to stand firm.

One last warning with very clear expectations so there is no ambiguity or confusion. Very clear consequences ‘you will have to leave on the day, you will be homeless and will need to go to X offices regarding accommodation. You will not be able to return here, I will not let you in’

And then stand firm. No extra chances, no ‘just for one night’, no softening when he’s in a horrible B&B, claiming to be in danger or pleading for sympathy, no money for accommodation that’s actually going to buy drinks or drink.

It’s tough but in my experience transformative for those in the house that need protecting and in the long term much better for the individual themselves.

Could you help him find a room in a shared house and give him the deposit and help him move out your home? If you do this I think you've done your best by him and he has to learn to live with others.

Sadly, his brain has been addled by the weed. It’s a pattern seen across the country. The ADHD is irrelevant. But everyone on MN will tell you weed is good for you and no worse than a glass of wine.

Ask for an adult assessment through the duty social worker, who can then set the wheels in motion for supported accommodation; might take a while depending on how efficient your local authority is.

You could also contact a local drug treatment centre?

Apparently today's intensively-farmed weed is 3-4 times as strong as 1980s weed and gives you cannabis use disorder, which seriously affects your brain function, but can be successfully recovered from.

Maybe some experts can offer more advice.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, experiences and advice. It’s all really helpful and has given me lots to look into. I really appreciate it.