Am I alienating my son’s father?

[RND21]

I need some honest advice here please. I am dealing with a tough situation and I really really want to do right by my son and also by me.

My partner and I got pregnant in 2024. We were planning to be together (or so he said) but it was not planned. In any event, I don’t think he really wanted to do it all with me and was just leading me on as I had made it very clear I wasn’t dating casually. We were also not using protection so as a 41 year old man, he was very aware that it was possible to get pregnant.

Anyway in short: we get pregnant; we’re planning a wedding; we go to give intention of marrying before that and on the day - 5 minutes before - he informs me he was previously married and never disclosed this. I was 3 months pregnant by then. He then says I can’t live in any of this houses once married as they would become matrimonial property. He then said he wanted a prenup; made me wait 3 months for a first draft and when it came it exclude every single cent in the past present and future.

Following these events and months of trauma while pregnant, I decided to leave the UK to give birth. I returned to my home country, refused to put him on the birth certificate. I still thought we would work things out but it wasn’t possible anymore.

He then blocked me for a period of 6 months - my son was 4.5 months at the time he did so. We didn’t hear from him for 6 months, he didn’t enquire about my baby. He didn’t pay a single penny during the pregnancy or thereafter.

Fast forward to when my child is 10.5 months. He suddenly comes back in the picture. Demands to attend his first birthday 🙄. When refused, he again goes silent for 2 months. When chased, he provides a list of 42 days over 6 months during which he wants to be in my city and have access to my child. I refuse and say we will take it gradually and I can only agree to a visit at a time. And when he visits I can only do a few hours as I have a life of my own. He accuses me of legally and physically alienating his child from him, from being obstructive, for asking for money when I’m not freely granting unlimited access. He asks for a nanny to accompany my child to visit him all day and to have alone time with him at an apartment he will rent nearby. I refuse, obviously.

In terms of maintenance, he ignores my calculation of having spent 18,000 pounds since my child’s birth and says he will contribute 500 per month from now on.

He attends the first visit. My son obviously doesn’t know him at all. Refuses to go to him. He tries hard, gets him many gifts but I can see the frustration on his face. I think he thought he would be funny and get gifts and my son would automatically go to him. That’s not how love works unfortunately or fortunately.

I try to be as cordial as I can and facilitate the visits but they are time consuming and boring and tiring. And I don’t want to do this every month.

I understand I should try to help them have a relationship but I don’t see it happening. We now live in different continents. It won’t be easy. It’ll take a long time for a bond to form. If he sees him every 2 or 3 months, it’ll take forever.

I hate feeling bad about all this - sometimes for him too. I mean I did leave the country with my unborn child but I saw who he really was and wanted no part of being with him. I didn’t have family there. I did the best I could for myself.

What do you think I should do for my child in this situation? I really don’t owe this man anything. I don’t care about him at all. I despise him actually.

Should I just stick to my ground and only let him visit every 3 months. Should I just continue thinking he’s done this to himself. There’s nothing else I can do. Is that selfish? What’s the right thing to do here?

Can't you just meet him in a park or something together for the first couple of years? Go out for dinner together, all 3 of you? You need to build trust between you, which seems like the thing that is lacking.

You both need to be mature enough to meet one another in the middle on things for your child's sake. Personally, I would not wish my child to ever accuse me of not trying at least to find a way for them to see their father.

I just do not understand how you can write that your pregnancy was 'not planned' and in the same paragraph write that you were not using protection.

thank you. In terms of the pregnancy, what I meant is it wasn’t expressly planned from
hid perspective but as far as I was concerned I knew very well the chances and wanted my baby. I was made to believe he did too and we were planning to be together. It was only after that it became clear to me that he was simply leading me on. I assume he just thought it wouldn’t happen? No idea!

Just to add: I’ve spent almost two years dealing with my pregnancy and my newborn alone. I want to move on now. I don’t want to waste my time accommodating this man anymore. I feel it’s on him to do what he wishes with this situation. I don’t want to give him legal rights or extensive visitation and holidays etc. I want to move on. I know not Easy sharing child…

This man wants to be part of his child’s life and I do think you should facilitate that. You have ill feelings towards this man and if I was you I would too but your child is innocent in all this and deserves to know their father. Just because you don’t like him doesn’t mean your child shouldn’t love him. It’s time to put your feelings aside and do what’s in the best interests of your baby. If he cocks up you can look at the situation again but you need to let him in. I agree with PP a walk in the park is a good starting base.

Do I understand correctly you are not in the UK and he is? You probably need to get legal advice relative to the country you are living in and your child was born in. Most people on MN will know the UK system and will advise relating to that. Depending on where you live it could be easy for him to assert his rights as the child's father or it could not be. Some countries have a very "male is head of family, children are property" approach, others default to the mother, some take a more balanced approach making it easy for unnamed fathers to gain parental responsibility (e.g. UK does) but in any case, you need to understand the law of where you're living before you make decisions about what you can or can't "allow".

100% this.

I don't blame you for how you feel about this man but I don't think you get to just categorically say no to contact. And if you live in different countries then I'm afraid that yes, the visits will be less frequent, but more intense when they do happen.

Obviously, what's important is that he needs to be consistent and reliable within those constraints. So if he says he is coming for a visit and you arrange to spend an afternoon together, he needs to actually do it. My advice will chagne if he doesn't turn up or whatever.

Re money, unless there are ways to enforce payment across jurisdictions - you'd have to look into that based on the relevant countries - I think you may have ot just accept whtever he's offering and hope for the best.

I also don't think that hiring childcare to support him in meeting his child is a terrible idea. Although he should pay for it.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I am faciliating contact but just not at the frequency he has asked for. Given he isn’t paying much, I have to move on with my life and get a job and do courses and work. My son will not go meet him by himself. I’m not giving up on my life which I have been forced to rebuild from ground up just to facilitate his contact arrangements. I’m sorry if this sounds bitter but after everything it just seems unfair that I again suffer and have to put myself last in some sense.

This is all incredibly hard to do when I despise the man. He earns close to half a million pounds a year and has several properties, and he’s settled to pay 500 pounds in maintenance with no contribution to expenses I incurred during the entirely of my pregnancy and the first 15 months of my sons life. He’s trying to exert control financially, and I should be the one giving up my time so he is able to form a loving bond with the son he abandoned at 8 days and didn’t check up on for months. Sorry I’m quite bitter as you can tell.

While it's understandable that you're bitter and things have not worked out as you'd hoped, the man you despise is your child's father - half his DNA. He hasn't behaved well and you have every right to be unhappy about that. But he wants a relationship with his child and I think you do have a responsibility to facilitate that, however boring, tiring or inconvenient it is for you. You chose to have a child with a man you didn't know very well - your child only has one father - he didn't choose this, you did.

It doesn't sound like you are willing to make much effort to ensure that your child has his father in his life. That's your perogative but you should know that you are doing what's best for you, not your child.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. He is extremely overbearing and asks to meet 5 hours each day. And sends several accusing messages if I say that’s too much to start with etc. as far as I’m concerned, he has shown no real care for my child so why should I trust him blindly. And yes I also have a duty to myself to do what’s right for me no? Is my child really going to be so much worse without him / with a limited relationship with him?? We are where we are due to his actions. And several people in the world marry and procreate with people they’ve met months ago.