Domineering 3.5-year-old at pre-school, should we be worried?

[Pinkmacroon]

My 3.5 yo DD has started in a new pre school, she was in a private nursery for 2 years beforehand. She has been described as very confident and highly intelligent. My DH and I obviously love her but we do find her very hard work and since our DS was born in April her behaviour has become very difficult for us, we have both been reduced to tears on occasion. Its a bit beyond the usual toddler meltdowns, she often singles people out and rejects them. Her Great Grandmother is often on the receiving end of her disdain and in groups of children I have observed she tries to get rid of the boys for example and only wants to play with the girls. She'll be mean and tell people to go away, she doesn't like them etc. She's only been in her new pre school 1 week and I've just had the second serious conversation about her already. They said she's been hit in the head because she snatched a toy and told a child she didn't want to play with them. The teacher said "we are monitoring her and I don't want to make a statement like there's something going on, but..." this has really thrown me tbh. The first incident last week my DD had apparently kicked a teacher. When I was told about it I reassured them they wouldn't get any challenge from me on how to manage it, they are professionals after all but I'm starting to freak out they think there is something wrong with her.

We were abroad this summer and I was watching her interact with other kids and she's very dominant, telling everyone to be quiet and do what she wants basically.

For context she has not shown any jealousy towards the new sibling, quite the opposite. She's extremely intense with him and thinks she is his mum and sometimes trys to insist she feeds him / holds him etc and I'm not allowed, I humour her because she is very loving towards him.

Has anyone had an extremely domineering toddler that has grown out of it? If so what techniques did you use to make them chill out a bit?

Were there any concerns from the previous Nursery?
Sounds like she’s maybe seeking extra attention and trying to establish dominance at home and in her setting. Testing some boundaries.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to humour her when she is insisting on caring for her brother and saying that you are not allowed to. Would she hold and feed a doll whilst you are looking after DC? She could bring wipes, a nappy etc to help.

I’d find some picture books about being bossy and share those with her. Set some clear rules and boundaries especially around sharing, safe hands and feet etc. Use positive rewards.
Keep talking to Preschool staff and navigate this together.

What boundaries are you setting around her behaviour, and how are you guiding her interactions with other children?

For example, with her great-grandmother, what does 'on the receiving end of her disdain' look like? My children absolute do not have to hug or kiss or sit on the knee of anyone they don't want to, but they do need to be polite in an age-appropriate way.

When she's telling other children to be quiet and do what she wants, do you intervene? Children often need some support in learning how to negotiate group play – do you remind her that other children also get to bring ideas to the play and help her see how to include both ideas in the game or take turns with what to play? What triggers her telling children to go away and that she doesn't like them? It sounds like a fairly common pattern for her, not just the occasional response to an obvious trigger like them pushing her or snatching something from her.

With her sibling, in practice, what does 'I humour her' look like? If you're not holding the baby when you and baby want a cuddle to avoid upsetting her, I think you probably need to assert that boundary. Similarly, you should be able to straightforwardly care for baby as the adult without needing to work around her or persuade her or whatever. She is very welcome to help in an age-appropriate way (and when my eldest appointed herself chief toy-retriever at the stage when baby drops their toy every five seconds, that was both age-appropriate helping and genuinely very useful!).

Thanks both. We did have some problems at her previous nursery but a lot of parents seemed to get the same feedback so it felt less like she was the problem. We introduced a reward chart and if she gets enough stars she'd get a special treat but if she didn't she'd have to collect more the next day with good behaviour.

We also stopped allowing screen time in the tablet because it was making her wild when it was time to switch it off, she would go absolutely nuts.

I always intervene when she's bossing others around too much, because I know it's going to end in tears. She also hates that.

With her great grandma she might say good morning to my daughter and my daughter will respond angrily for her to go away etc. She will openly say she doesn't like her.

The humouring her is mostly when I'm cuddling my son and saying things like "you're my cutie pie" she will shout "no, he's my cutie pie" and I'll agree rather than challenge her. Sometimes correcting her can trigger the most excessive meltdowns i don't have the energy. Like at the moment she goes around saying she's a witch with magic powers and if someone else says they have magic powers she will go nuts and get really upset.

With her great grandma she might say good morning to my daughter and my daughter will respond angrily for her to go away etc. She will openly say she doesn't like her.

Do you allow her to get away with that, op, or are there consequences? As a pp said, there shouldn’t be any enforced cuddles or kisses etc., but that is an unacceptable level of rudeness, and ought to be stamped on.
I’m afraid she’s going to find life very difficult if she doesn’t start to learn how to interact appropriately in social settings.

She sounds like quite a little character but nothing too extreme or that would ring alarm bells with me as a parent. I’d see where she’s at in a years time. You may find with the constant intervention when she’s bossing about peers and reminding her about speaking kindly etc that it sinks in and she’s a lot better a year from now. You sound like you’re doing all the right things and I agree with you on not challenging little behaviours like ‘he’s my cutie’. Have to pick your battles so she does actually listen when you tell her off about bossing her peers about. If you constantly nit pick at her, she’ll quickly stop listening altogether and things could potentially get worse x