How can we help our son cope with weekly separation?

[CharlieRight]

Several years ago DW and I moved to China for a very good job opportunity, good pay and conditions. The location is also very close to my in-laws. But it is a smallish town with no international school, the nearest one is about 1:30 away by road in the provincial capital. Last year DS started grade 1, my employer pays for the school fees, a flat close to the school and sends to and fro to spend the weekend with my family. Normally I will get a company car to get me home in time for Friday pick up and leave after Monday drop off.
Last year we seemed to get into the rhythm of it. Then we had a nice summer together in the small town where I work (and we all used to live) and also a month long holiday back in the UK.

School has been back in for about a month (G2) and I am worried what this routine is really doing to my son; on Sunday we went out scootering in the park and stopped at a bench to have some snacks and a drink and watch some builders working, he leaned into me and hugged my left arm with both of his and said Daddy, I love you. But at drop offs the last few weeks he has refused/avoided saying goodbye 'properly', we get out of the car, I help him put his bag on and walk him to the gate, try to say a few words like have a good week, love you, how about a hug etc. He just says 'yeah' and walks in without looking at me. Last week he asked if I was going back to town and when I said yes, asked what can we do? Last year when I dropped him off there was a time when he came back to the gate and asked for a kiss, which astounded me at the time.

I think he is dealing with the separation in his own way, avoiding the ritual of saying goodbye etc. I don't know if that is healthy. I don't know if the whole arrangement is healthy to be honest, though I don't see a way out of it in the short term.

I think what I would like from this thread is some advice on strategies to help him feel connected during the week. Anyone who can relate similar experience and how it went for their families. Ways of talking about the situation with him. Thanks

Who does he live with? I’m not sure where the flat fits in?

Is he effectively away from his parents all week?

in another thread there were some other behavioural concerns whilst he is at school.

I suspect this scenario is causing him massive harm and his mental wellbeing and you should find a solution that gives him a much more normal home life.

He stays with his mother, in the flat which is close to the school

Do you FaceTime every night during the week ? Aside from that I can’t see much else you can do and maybe it would be better if his mum took him in on Monday like she does the rest of the week as you doing it puts pressure on him as it’s the last time he sees you that week , you just wave him off from home .

Maybe a formal good bye is just too much and this is a better way for him to deal with it.

Is an international school definitely the best situation for him? And if so, can you possibly find another job in a different part of China where there’s an international school? We did the separation thing for about 10 months and it didn’t work out for the kids so this time we all moved together. There’s no way around it really. We’re also in a province where we’re at the only international school for hundreds of miles, I know it’s a problem especially in the western parts. Chinese schools are better than they used to be, would that be an option so you can all be together more while he’s little, then rethink the international school when your son is a bit older?

Hi, small kids need a predictable routine and some time to adjust to changes. The transition period can last from a week to even a few weeks. You can read more about it here: preschool transition

As for the routine, maybe creating your own schedule could help. You could make it together with your son, using drawings or pictures, so he can see what happens each day: wake up, breakfast, school, etc. You could also use another color to show when he stays at home and what his routine is on those days.

Basically, visualize it in whatever way works for him, so he knows what will happen on Monday, Tuesday, etc. I would also involve him in creating the schedule and answer all his questions. Try to do it at a time when nobody is in a hurry. And, of course, he needs to know that you always love him, even when you’re away.

Other things that might help are a transition object from home, like a favorite toy, agreeing on a time when you’ll call, or sending him a little message during the day. And in any situation where the schedule changes — holidays, vacations, etc. — it’s important to prepare him in advance for the transition from one routine to another. Hope this helps!

Sounds like a formal goodbye is difficult as he knows it means he won’t see you for a while. Try a high 5?
could you leave him fun post it notes that he can be given each day you’re away.
do a visual planner for the week with fun options when you’re home at the weekend.