Son not engaging with Uni start

[schnauzerfest]

Ds didn’t get into his first 3 choices and has been so miserable since his results. We had papers remarked not that didn’t change. He’s got a place at a good Uni but he’s hardly engaged with it. We’ve suggested he defers but he doesn’t want to do that either. He’s stuck in a rut in his head about his results and no amount of us acknowledging that disappointment and trying to see the bigger picture is helping. His sister has just graduated from Cambridge too. I’m so hoping she. He gets there and starts he’ll get into it but I’m worried he’s not going to make an effort. Anyone in the same situation?

Not in the same situation but if you are funding i think its fair you say he needs to make a decision

A. Get a grip and Make the best of what he has got.
B get a grip and pull out - take a gap year and resit some modules in Dec/ Jun and reapply.

I'd support whatever he wants
This half way house is just a waste of everyone's time and money

Also 💐 for you its hard seeing your child unhappy

Thanks .. I’ve tried to talking to him. He needs to get on with it, but he’s so stubborn. I’m sympathetic to a point. He’s girlfriend is taking a year out but he doesn’t want to that. He’s now ploughing all his time and energy into a hobby which means it will be a last minute panic packing 😩

It doesn't sound like he's in the right frame of mind to go to uni atm. I feel for you OP, as you are clearly feeling very stressed and worried - I would be the same. Going to uni is a big transition even if you're ready for it and on board with it. If you're disengaged right from the off, it's a recipe for disaster.

Why doesn't he want to take a gap year? To me, that would make a lot more sense. He has time then to resit and reapply (if he wants to) or otherwise to just take a break, reassess, do something different for a bit, and not risk wasting everyone's time and (your? his?) money on a uni experience that it sounds like he's not going to make the most of.

I agree I don’t think he is in the right frame of mind at all. I think it’s all too late to defer without loosing lots of money. I’ve had to pay for the first term accommodation. He said he wouldn’t know what to do on a gap year.. we’ve given lots of suggestions. His sister thinks he will get into once he gets there but I’m not sure

Hmm okay. I mean, I think this transition is hard for a lot of young people. I dropped my DS off yesterday at uni for the first time. He got his grades and into his first choice uni and you'd have thought he was going in front of a firing squad rather than heading off to an exciting three years studying a course he chose at a uni he chose!! Does your DS have any friends going to this uni? If so, I think that's helpful. My DS went out with his friends yesterday afternoon after we dropped him off and he felt more cheerful after that. If not, can his DSis have a little chat with him? If she's just finished uni herself she will probably have some info and tips that might help and will be a lot more pertinent than anything you or his dad can share

Our DS got the grades he needed and a place at his first choice Uni but was still completely disengaged and didn't do a single thing to prepare, didn't even pack, he had no interest at all. We had to do it all for him, otherwise I don't think he'd have bothered going. We even unpacked in his Uni accommodation, set up his room, made his bed, etc.

3 years later, he graduated with a First, straight into a top graduate scheme in one of the UK's biggest financial firms. He didn't engage with getting a flat in his new work town, so we ended up doing that for him too, bought him furniture for it (he couldn't get a furnished flat), moved all his stuff there and set up his flat! Same story really - in complete denial.

However, after 2 years, he wanted to move, sourced his own new flat, sorted out end of tenancy with landlord, end of tenancy cleaning, removals firm, etc., and basically did it all himself. After another year, he moved city to a different job, again sourced his own cleaners, flat, removals, etc - we havn't even been to his new flat as its hundreds of miles away. Just grateful he's finally got his head in gear and doing things for himself rather than being in denial.

I think the OP's lad will find his own way at Uni once he's there and they're probably worrying unnecessarily. Some just need a lot more help/encouragement than others.

Thanks for reply. He doesn’t have any friends starting. I’m beginning to see that it’s quite common to be disengaged!

I've had my DS on the phone this afternoon in tears. He says he hates it. Everyone is just drinking all the time. He doesn't want to be there. He wishes he'd done a gap year/gone to uni in nearby city/some other spurious thing. Oh and this is all mine and his dad's fault! And breathe ...

So yes, a lot of them struggle with this transition!

Things settle down after Fresher's week when lectures etc actually start. Freshers week is always a bit wild and not really geared up for those students who aren't into drinking/partying.