Year 8 son struggling to find close friends at school

[KoalaBottle]

Looking for advice please. My son is now going into year 8 and being at the school for one year, and doesn't seem to have many friends. When I have asked him what seems to be going on, he says that all the boys (it's an all boys school) are only interested in playing computer games and talking about computer games. He says that everyone is obsessed with their phones and that they are not interested in the same things as him. I have suggested playing some of these games to try to join into conversations in the hope that these initial interactions will lead to a friendship that evolves into something's that he is interested in too. I'm torn between asking him to change himself, or just letting him be how he wants to be, at the risk of isolating himself. But it does seem to affect him as he was 'popular' and confident in his very small primary school, but now he has mentioned that, "no one would probably want to come and celebrate his birthday with him" so seems to have lost his confidence. He does play sport and attends after school clubs, where again, he does seem to have one or two friends, but it's not exactly a deep friendship. Is this normal for boys his age?

It’s painful watching them, daughter, serious sensitive soul, has VERY few friends, and the ones she has aren’t welcoming or contactable on holidays.. her brother has lots of friends, way easier going and has much easier time friendship wise..and doesn’t have gaming consoles.. you sound like you’re helping all you can with outside activities.. it’s really hard I’ve no answers, just you’re not alone in this

Sorry to hear this OP, but I think you are being very wise to acknowledge the tension between wanting your dc to make friends but also stay true to himself.

Friendships are a wonderful thing, but I also think as a society we can encourage our children to be a bit desperate to tick this box, at the expense of their authentic self. I don't mean that term to sound like psychobabble, but rather am thinking about the deeper messages we can end up giving children about "needing" to have friends in order to prove something about themselves to themselves.

A really good friendship fit is a truly wonderful gift when it comes along, and you are right to want to encourage him to explore the friendships. But I think in the long run we also need to instil in our dc the idea that it is ok to wait for the people who really bring something to our lives. I think it is harder today, as lots of children - broadly speaking - are quite lacking in a lot of attributes that were perhaps more common when they were less influenced by SM, tik-tok, gaming etc. It's a funny old world at the moment.

If it’s any consolation my dd had an awful year 8 but at 17 is extremely popular.

Sounds like he hasn’t found his tribe. My friend has a lovely son who struggled at this age as so many of the other lads were screen obsessed. He joined a football club and met non screen boys like him there.

Thank you for your insightful replies. It is difficult, as he is a good kid with stuff to offer (or this that a mum thing to think of our own kids!?) It's a bit of a shame as, because he has lost his confidence, it has made him reluctant to keep in touch with his old friends. I think I'll keep trying to encourage maintaining any old friendships that he did enjoy - perhaps that will build up his confidence again. I agree - he hasn't found his tribe but hopefully he will in time. It is encouraging to hear that it took other kids some time to find theirs too. I wonder if it's just boys this age in general, and my son is looking for a deeper friendship that other boys aren't quite ready/mature enough for?

My friend's DD is a little older but has fallen in with a group who are awful influences on her and she seems to have changed a lot to fit in with them. I think my friend wishes her DD had developed discernment and the strength to stand back where a friendship wasn't right, and not to grasp at it at all costs because she didn't have anything better to embrace.

In the meantime Op, it probably helps to see your DS as developing a skill in terms of being able to not compromise and throw himself at any friendship just because there's nothing better on offer in the circumstances.

At the end of the day, bad friendships are two a penny!

Okay yes, that's a good flip side for thought.. and then it would be a shame that he had changed himself for others, and not be true to himself.

Surely there are lunch clubs etc?
and phones aren’t allowed at all in schools now

Yes, he attends after school clubs and sports - has made some loose connections but no firm friendships. Yes, phones aren't allowed in schools, but he says that it is all anyone can talk about - the games they play on their phones outside of school.

Just googling the same. My year 8 son is the same - I think he has friends and people to hang out with in school, and plays footie at lunchtime, but he rarely sees people outside school even though I know others meet up. Hes just not included. He's tried to message a couple of people but they've been busy or declined - not sure why.

I think he is a bit socially shy. But all he needs is one or two really close buddies. He never says anything but I think he is upset and takes it out in us by being moody. Doesn't help with WhatsApp status updates which show his school 'friends' meeting up outside school.

So no advice, but in same boat...

What sort of things does he like?

I wonder if your son saying they're all only interested in computer games are boring etc is his way of saying he's feeling left out.

My son used to say this person is annoying, that person is annoying etc which I used to pick him up on, but then clicked that what he means is they're leaving him out or being unkind - his way of articulating.

My older more social son (year 11) used to go out loads in year 7 and 8 with lots of different friends but now only goes out with a small core group of 2-3, and if they're away he doesn't go out at all.

I'm hoping still a lot of flux and time to build those friendships in year 8. For some it takes longer to build real meaningful connections whereas others happy with more superficial friendships.

Its tough though as a parent - difficult to know if its our own baggage though raking up those old feelings.

Sorry to hear you and your son are in a similar position. I think it's hard at this age as well, to tell what is 'normal hormonal moodiness', and what is stuff that is really affecting them that they can't quite articulate. I'm not sure if many of his friends are meeting up as it seems everyone just 'meets online' - which he is reluctant to do because firstly, he's not that into the specific game being played, and I also think that one or two kids have made a few comments to him previously, that he has taken personally (they make comments to others, but they brush them off, whereas my son has been quite sensitive to this). He never used to be this sensitive and would normally brush this sort of thing off, so I think I'm just finding my way with explaining that this is how some kids (people) interact and it's perhaps not personal.

He likes pokemon/anime, drawing, drama, Xbox, sports (does tennis/hockey/karate outside of school)

So normal boy stuff! I would encourage him to make friends outside of school in drama group or whatever. It's sad nowadays that all kids care about are their phones.

Yeh, I think so :) Like I say, I think he is a good, interesting kid with a good friendship to offer! I think it's up to me now to try to boost his confidence, keep an open dialogue and keep encouraging him with all his activities (if anything, he's just developing himself in the meantime). Thanks all for your comments and support

It will fall into place op!

Just keep loving and supporting him. There are always bumpy bits and times it feels like things aren't where they should be with dc I think.

Yes, you are absolutely right. It is awful seeing him upset and low confidence, but he has a lot going for him and a supportive and loving home environment, so we are lucky.

He is lucky OP.

I don't know if you were taught that buttering toast thing: take care of the edges and the middle takes care of itself? (ie; by the time you have buttered around edges of the toast, there isn't much left to do!)

I always try to think that with dc: take care of their homelife and make sure they know they are absolutely loved by their family and the rest will take care of itself.

There are so many threads on here - a really upsetting one at present - where dc's needs are not prioritised in the home and everything just unravels from there.

I'd look at starting an activity like Scouts or Cadets.

It's good he does some sports but generally at a sports activity they do their sport and then come home. There's limited opportunities to form an actual friendship.

With Scouts and Cadets they do activities together. They need to form groups, work together, communicate etc. There's camps that give real opportunities to get to know people and become friends. Cadets probably more so than Scouts for camps and weekend activities.

I'd really suggest he tries that for a while. Build his confidence back up and know he can happily be part of a group again.

Love that, Calliopespa (could do with a buttered toast right about now!!!!!) Yes, so incredibly sad that some children aren't cared for as they should be. Thank you for your kind words and support

I have the same problem with my yr 8 and yr 10 kids. They just aren’t into what their peers seem to be and it makes me so sad to see them struggle. But like you we just make home life as great as possible and they have out of school activities so you can just do your best.

If they have nothing in common, it's understandable. You are doing the right thing encouraging sports and clubs where he meet other boys.

What seem to encourage friendships at that age is also time spent together.
They always seem to be in and out of each other's house, go to places together, have very last minute sleepovers. They seem to need to show off their new "independence"

I think it's a balance between doing your own thing and sticking with what you love, because that's where you will meet someone you can truly get on. But it also help to join in with the majority if it's light enough,

Its like football in Primary School. All the boys seem to play football, girls less.
Not all even care about football, but joining in to kick the ball at playtime or in the park means you are in the group. It's not malicious, but if you are not joining in and stay on your own, then of course you are alone?

Thankfully by secondary school, the football obsession is gone for most.

The more out of school activities you do, the more friends you make. You don't need 25 close friends, a nice little group of 4 or 5 is great, and more casual friendships with the greater number.

Thank you, yes - we will definitely look into this. He would love this sort of stuff too!

That's all we can do sorry to hear it's the same for your kids

Yeh, agree and I have explained this to him as well. The boys haven't all known each other for that long as they have mostly come from different schools/existing school groups split into different classes, and the more time/experiences they go through, they will find their people and deepen friendships.